The Sacrificed

January 15, 2012
By Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
15 articles 0 photos 183 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.


The City of Centsia sat beside a range of mountains called the Barr, named for their tendency to barricade attacking armies. The city itself consisted of tall buildings, the kind of buildings where you could see the first few floors from the ground and the last from the stars. The material was glass: a greenish kind of glass that made each building twinkle beautifully in the moonlight.

There were two kinds of people in the City of Centsia: the winged and the walkers. The winged were the sacred people, worshipped by all, and the walkers suffered a superfluous amount of disadvantages in their wake. There were blood sacrifices every night, sacrifices made to the winged. Every winged needed a sacrifice, every night. Of course, the ones to be sacrificed were the accused, the people who had disrupted this perfect society with their crimes.

Emerald Hayden was a half-winged. She carried an angelic, beautiful appearance. Her green eyes were large and open to the world, welcoming conversation. Her hair was a warm brown color, the color of melted chocolate in the pot of a good chef. Her lips formed a perfect dainty smile, ever-pleasant and friendly.

Unfortunately, no wings braced Emerald’s back. She was forced to saunter through the same streets as the disgusting walkers, born to die. Most walkers carried disease and almost all of them were accused. They reeked of poison and unhappiness, and they had no aspirations for their futures.
That’s what Emerald had thought.

Dusk was her only winged friend. His eyes were a cool blue and his hair a creamy white. His skin was pasty and eatable. His wings, however, were by far his most striking feature. The feathers formed intricate patterns, almost like pictures, when he spread them out. They were beautiful, and they were the only things that set Dusk and her apart.

At night the two would sit atop the golden building, the only plated building in the entire city. He would take her by the hand and leap from the place unexpectedly, sending her heart racing. As they spread apart, only clasping fingers, it almost felt as if she had wings too. She wasn’t a walker up here. She was a winged.

In the daytime, though, Dusk was separated from her. He would go to his school, somewhere in the sky, and she would go to hers. There were no other half-winged in her school, which she felt was completely unfair. She had no friends here. She would simply sulk in the shadows of her classrooms, opening ancient text and praising the winged.

It was early December when her destiny changed paths. She was hungry, hungrier than she ever had been before. Dusk delivered food to her here and there, but it was against the order, and he was always afraid to be punished. Emerald would scream at him silently for being so foolish. The winged were never punished or accused, no matter what they did. Everyone knew that.

There was a food stall in the center of Emerald’s town. It taunted the villagers: it was covered in salted fish and meat. Delicious oysters and greenery presented themselves to the world. But no one could afford the stall-owner’s prices. No one would dare steal from the stall, though. Everyone who had attempted to was never seen again; accused and sacrificed.

It was late; almost her meeting time with Dusk, and Emerald was determined to take her share. She walked casually past the stall several times before producing a plan: she was to walk past as if heading for the library across the street, and take one of those delicious looking pieces of meat as she went. There it was, a flawless plan, and it would certainly put some good food into Emerald’s stomach.

She breathed deeply several times before beginning her walk across the block. The journey was slow and harrowing: each step felt like miles and miles. Suddenly, the stall was right beside her, and she snatched a piece of that thick red meat.
Her loose shirt became snagged.

Frantically, Emerald tugged at the fabric of her shirt, to no avail. It was obvious what she had been doing. Her fingers were tainted red with blood. She was doomed while she stood there, and eventually surrounded. The winged guards were the scariest winged Emerald had ever seen. Their wings were scarlet red, their faces dark and unforgiving. They never showed mercy, not to anyone.
Something burned her back: the mark of the accused.

“Bring her for blood sacrifice.” One of them declared before turning to her smugly. “Aren’t you happy, Emerald? You made it just in time.”

“Please, don’t do this.” She muttered, scared stiff.

“Oh, you know we always consider the requests of the accused.”

They never did, and Emerald knew it.

Slowly, she was dragged through the twisting roads and finally to the altar, the altar that told stories of death and destruction. It was the altar that people saw before they died, and everyone paid their final respects to the altar.

One of the winged stood before her, behind the majestic altar. “Emerald, you are hereby sentenced to death for your crime as an accused. Actions are decided based on the need to maintain a civil, perfect society. Would you like to meet the one who you will be sacrificed to?”

“Yes, I would.” She said. Why not? It would be the last person she would see, anyways.

Emerald lowered her head to the footsteps of her winged, and when she looked up she was staring into cool, elegant, beautiful blue eyes.


The author's comments:
Sometimes, you can never fit in.

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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 88 comments.


on Jun. 29 2012 at 10:59 am
Elizamere BRONZE, Roseville, California
1 article 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I reject your reality and substitute my own."- Mythbusters

I really liked that! The descriptions were really good:)!. All it needed I think was for a deeper relationship between the two characters, or some time with both of them together in the book. I really liked it all. Nice job!:)

on Jun. 14 2012 at 10:27 pm
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
15 articles 0 photos 183 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

Thank you very much for the comment. I am feeling very tired and depressed right now because of grades--parents wont let me go to the islands anymore this summer because of them. I'd say your positive comment came at a good time (: ill comment back ASAP

DanielM SILVER said...
on Jun. 14 2012 at 10:43 am
DanielM SILVER, Kent, Washington
6 articles 1 photo 247 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I would rather hated million times for what i did then loved a million times for what i didn't do." - Daniel Moto
" I've sought out to be the best i could posibly be but when i hit a roadblock in life what did i do, i had two choices either stay at the roadblock or i take this roadblock and make of it and go around it and achieve my goal. So, what will it be?"- Daniel Mathia

"People take love like its a four letter word or just a phrase that you tell people or your friends all the time. But in reality love is much bigger than a merely phrase or 4 letter word. Instead love is a genuine promise or covenant to that special person."-Daniel Mathia

“Why change yourself when you were made perfect and wonderfully by the creator of everything?” – Daniel Mathia

“If live is not hurtin then were really not living in.” – B. Reith

This is really good. Your really good at desribing people. i really liked this desrciptions:

"Dusk was her only winged friend. His eyes were a cool blue and his hair a creamy white." i could really paint a picture in my head when you mentioned that desriptions. 

Suggestions: I would maybe add more to this story its too good just to be only a short story. Other than that. Good Job!!


M3156 BRONZE said...
on May. 23 2012 at 4:25 pm
M3156 BRONZE, San Antonio, Texas
1 article 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. -George F. Will

Very nice. I enjoyed the ending; and the title is quite intriguing

KateLA GOLD said...
on May. 18 2012 at 4:10 pm
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

This is so different and original, I love your imagination! If it were a book, I'd read it, 5/5!

baron321 said...
on May. 18 2012 at 8:22 am
an impeccable work of fantasy, ms jordan! I absolutely enjoyed the plot, as well as the characterization and setting. well done.

on May. 16 2012 at 7:25 pm
best story ive read in a while related to fantasy. book form now!!!

Lorie said...
on May. 8 2012 at 5:14 pm
Lorie, Floydada, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"I think im in Love" From Fast Five!

I Agree!(:

on Apr. 29 2012 at 3:31 pm
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
15 articles 0 photos 183 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

Thanks a lot! I think there are a lot of generalizations about fantasy--read many good, exciting fantasy novels but they definently are hard to find. I'll read it ASAP

on Apr. 29 2012 at 3:24 pm
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
15 articles 0 photos 183 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

Okay, reading it over I understand your point! But remember that this is a short story, not a novel, so setting the scene should be done prior. That's just how I write.

on Apr. 29 2012 at 3:23 pm
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
15 articles 0 photos 183 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

I think you're more interested in action/adventure. Action/adventure needs suspense to pull the audience in and keep themt ehre--did Harry Potter start out with a scene of Voldemort trying to kill Harry? Did the Hunger Games start out with the kids killing eachother? That detail is so necessary--and it seems that you have paragraphs of detail initially in your novel too so don't press me about it.

on Apr. 29 2012 at 12:53 pm
ImagineBlueRoses SILVER, Derby, Kansas
5 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
Were it not for music, we might in these days say, the Beautiful is dead.

Omg I love it :) it's truly original, it wasn't a boring fantasy story at all like most are. Names, descriptions; love it all! Please read my new novel that just got approved and tell me what you think! Thanks :)

on Apr. 28 2012 at 10:23 pm
Ashley_Tucker, Granger, Indiana
0 articles 0 photos 66 comments

Favorite Quote:
Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real? ~ Albus Dumbledore

I agree with you — partly. I love that you described it so well and in good detail. But, not all readers can handle two or three long paragraphs filled with only detail. The second half of your story is filled with a great mix of detail and action, but the first is just detail. And the first part is what matters. You need to grab your readers by the throat and you do that with action. My favorite way to do that is to start out with oneor two lines of dialogue and to describe the scene before continuing. Maybe you could have dusk say something intriging and then have her look out and describe the city before answering? I'm just challenging you to be the best you can be. Just think it over. (:

on Apr. 28 2012 at 12:39 pm
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
15 articles 0 photos 183 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

In order to start writing a horrible short story, you can deny to set the scene. You can leave the reader wondering what in the world they are reading and who Emerald is and where she is. The first paragraphs can be characterized as slow, but they are just as necessary as the bulk of the story!! As for the stealing scene, I completely agree! Thanks for the feedback.

on Apr. 27 2012 at 6:13 pm
Ashley_Tucker, Granger, Indiana
0 articles 0 photos 66 comments

Favorite Quote:
Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real? ~ Albus Dumbledore

It seemed a little slow in the beginning, but when you got to the part about dusk it seemed to pick up and flow good from there. I think you maybe should have spent another paragraph or to on the stealing part. It's the most important part of the story and it happens in no time at all. I loved the end! (: 5 stars. Check out my stuff please!

on Apr. 24 2012 at 2:09 pm
JustPaperAndPencil BRONZE, Milford, Ohio
4 articles 0 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you.

This is amazing. i love Sci Fi and this is one of the best i've read in awhile. great job!(:

on Apr. 22 2012 at 3:49 pm
Tennisboy BRONZE, Brentwood, California
2 articles 0 photos 5 comments

This was really good, the imagery was tangible avery descriptive.

 


on Apr. 16 2012 at 4:36 pm
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
15 articles 0 photos 183 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

thanks a lot! I mainly write sci fi and fantasy

DanielM. said...
on Apr. 15 2012 at 10:38 am
I really liked your story. It was pretty intersting how you created your own world and it had this syfy feel to me. Great Job !!

GabbyLyn GOLD said...
on Apr. 15 2012 at 9:48 am
GabbyLyn GOLD, Hurdland, Missouri
10 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
Let your smile change the world, don't let the world change your smile.

Cool work!!




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