Epicly Epic Epic of Epicly Epic Epicness (Prolouge)

December 9, 2011
By , Romeoville, IL
Lorenzo and his buddy, the Bongo Knight, were sailing the salty brine. This sea was a bit more salty than brine-y, though, as it was a sea of pure tomatoes. The pair had been sailing for several long hard months, and their supply of sandwiches were running dangerously low. They knew they couldn’t eat the tomatoes in the sea, as everyone knew they contained obscene amounts of poison. Those that didn’t know that were too far gone to matter anymore.
They were in such dire need of food, they were forced to land on the very first island they found; the island of the horrible Jacalyx. They landed their small craft, a sloop by the name of the S.S. Lorenzoisamazingtastic, on the nearby shore. The island was coated in a dense jungle, which hid the lair of the Jacalyx, a horrible monster resulting from an affair of a chimera and a hydra.
The affair itself was very romantic and passionate, until the chimera was accused of cheating with a very handsome Minotaur. The court battle is still continuing to this day.
As they approached the dense jungle that bordered the sandy shores of the beach, Bongo Knight grabbed a tree branch and swung himself into the canopy. This was possible as the Bongo Knight was familiar with this terrain, as he was a starfish, and starfish were well at home in the thick jungles of the sea of tomatoes. He closely examined the flora of the jungle, seeing what food was available.

“We must find a sandwich bush,” said the Bongo Knight, “There is no way we can sustain ourselves off of what we have right now.”

“I agree,” commented Lorenzo as he stroked his luxurious black moustache-goatee combo. “But the sandwiches are out of season. We missed the ripe ham season, and now it’s all turned into bologna. The only other source of food on this island is,” He paused for dramatic effect, staring off into the middle ground, “the Jacalyx.”
The Bongo Knight nodded in agreement, then promptly turned around.

“His lair is that way,” He said after he climbed higher to get a better view, “We will have to advance as quickly as we can.”

“It dangerous out there!” Lorenzo exclaimed. “Take this!” He said as he painstakingly pulled a lamp post out of his pocket and gave it to the Bongo Knight.

“No,” said the Bongo Knight as he handed it back to Lorenzo, “All I need is my trusty instrument. It will be sufficient.”

The pair took off to the center of the island, to the cave where the Jacalyx resided. They approached the lip of a cliff overlooking the cave, which had it’s entrance at the base of the completely inappropriately named volcano, Mount Fluffy Kindness. It was ferociously spewing molten lava and flaming leprechaun babies into the sky.
The volcano was not spewing leprechaun babies on it’s own. In fact, up at the top of the volcano lay a small village of leprechauns called the Lucky Luck Clan. They are a quickly growing population, so much so that the average household has enough children to feed an army of bears with endless hunger.
At first, the Lucky Luck Clan didn’t know what to do with all the children. They tried using them as building material; using them as common household items, such as couches; and even feeding them to an army of bears with endless hunger. Finally, the Lucky Luck Clan decided it would be easier to throw all their extra, unwanted babies in the volcano. It was a clean, efficient way to dispose of unwanted children. Sometimes the children don’t agree with the volcano’s stomach, and they are shot out of it’s mouth, screaming and burning.
The heroes approached the cave, dodged Charlie, a leprechaun baby, and were ready to make the ferocious monster their next meal. As the reached the entrance to the cave, they drew torches and entered, ready for the worst. About 30 yards into the cave, they were met with a large opening which held the sleeping Jacalyx. They sighed with relief at this discovery, and slowly crept forward.
All of a sudden, a large beeping noise rang through the cave.
“I told you! You should have set your phone to vibrate before we entered!” Bongo Knight yelled at Lorenzo.
“How was I supposed to know it would ring?! And stop yelling! You’ll wake the Jacalyx!” Lorenzo shouted back.
“What?! I can’t hear you over the sound of the Jacalyx waking!” yelled Bongo Knight.
They both turned toward the Jacalyx, to see it slowly wake from it’s deep slumber. It turned at them, rearing its 100 heads, each of a different animal, and it let loose a loud roar from above, which, oddly enough, sounded exactly like the song “We Didn’t Start the Fire” when played backwards.

The brave bongo knight charged the beast and did exactly what any good Bongo Knight would do. He played a merry Irish jig on his trusty flute. However, the monster highly disliked merry Irish jigs because it reminded him of his girlfriend that dumped him recently, which was because he had slammed her against a wall.
So, he slammed Bongo Knight against a wall using the head that was that of a large-mouth bass. Lorenzo stepped in and drew his giant flaming bronze sword. However, since it was on fire, it burned his hands and he dropped it onto the cave floor. The cave unluckily happened to be a oil refinery recently abandoned on account of Jacalyx. The resulting blaze sent a molten shockwave throughout the cave, barely missing the duo, and burned the Jacalyx into a pile of ashes, rendering it inedible to the brave warriors who faced him. They exited the cave, disappointed at the loss of a wonderful meal.

They walked slowly, sulking at there hunger, until they reached the boat. Once they boarded, Lorenzo spoke up.

“Wait... Bongo Knight, aren’t you a starfish?” Asked Lorenzo, seeming to have an idea.

“Indeed I am. I am Bongo Knight, the great starfish of the tomato sea.”

“Can’t you regenerate limbs?”

“Yes, I can. Why do you ask? Does it have something to do with that wild party last Tuesday? ‘Cause I can explain, it’s not what you think.”

“What? No, but now I’m curious. Anyway, couldn’t we just sever your limbs and then eat them? I’m sure they’re packed with nutrients.”

“We could!” Exclaimed the bongo knight as he pulled out a sword and amputated his arms.
However, the Bongo Knight was not really a starfish, unbeknownst to either of them. He was actually a leopard, who cannot regenerate limbs, and thus the Bongo Knight died of extreme-brain-shock-at-realizing-one-is-not-the-animal-he/she-thought-he/she-was-all-along. It is a tragic disease with no cure. His sacrifice was not in vain, however, as Lorenzo, though saddend by his comrades death, was able to eat his corpse on the journey back to their homeland of Krapie.
Thus, Lorenzo safely arrived home, happy and full, and was able to regurgitate the Bongo Knight into a coffin. This made everyone happy, except the mob of Bongo Knight’s large family tree, which chased Lorenzo across town with pitchforks. That is, until he convinced the mob not to kill him, for else there would be no one to make delicious cookies for them. The mob agreed, and went their separate ways.
And so, Lorenzo, as well as the kingdom of Krapie, were safe from the Jacalyx forever, and lived happily ever after.

Or so they thought.

Well, the kingdom of Krapie would live happily ever after, aside from George Runestake, who was a horrible pessimist. Lorenzo, on the other hand, would not have such a happy life just yet.

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MikeWilhelm said...
Dec. 16, 2011 at 10:14 am
This is one of those novels that will be completely random and hilarious. I can tell.
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