How to Survive an Alien Invasion

August 12, 2011
Now you may be thinking that this is the weirdest article you will ever read. But it will also be the most important. Many of us have plans just in case something terrible happens like floods, tornados, or terrorist attacks. But none of us really think what to do if aliens invade the planet Earth. I know I’m weird for thinking about this but I have come up with a plan. Follows these steps and you won’t have to worry about being probed by aliens.

Step One: Make sure it is actually aliens that are invading your planet. If you start doing the next steps and then realize you just saw an airplane in the sky then you’ll feel really stupid. Check it out and take a picture. Post it on Facebook and be like “WHAT IS THIS?” If no one has a real good answer either you have really stupid friends or it is aliens that are invading your planet. Then get off Facebook because now you got to hurry.

Step Two: Make sure you grab food, clothes, and water. Let me tell you, the rest of the plan does not include staying at a five-star hotel. So you got to be prepared for living in weird situations. Also don’t grab nasty foods that will go bad. (Ex: Funyuns) You should grab canned foods and drinks that won’t go bad. (Ex: Tuna-Fish and Water) I know this wouldn’t be your first choice but I doubt you’re going to care what you’re eating when your world is coming to an end. Also don’t grab designer clothes. Grab your Wal-mart clothes that your mom bought you because she thought they looked cute (even though they definitely weren’t).

Step Three: Get out of your house. WARNING: This step only works if you don’t go screaming down your street and waving your arms everywhere. Go out the back door, grab your bike if you really want to outrun those aliens, and take the back roads. I know people in movies never do this but that’s because they never read this. Now there is a slight problem to this. If you live in the city and pretty much all you can do is walk on the roads then all I have to say is good luck to you!

Step Four: Find shelter. When I say find shelter I don’t mean go to the mall. I mean build yourself I tent and/or find a smart group of people who are also finding shelter. You can only go into buildings two weeks after an alien attack. If you go in them before then there is a chance you could be found. I would do three weeks just to be safe - maybe a month.

Step Five: This is the last and final step. This step is the step of survival. The only good advice I got for you after you’ve done all of this is to not die and/or get captured. After about a month of living like man vs. wild you can find shelter, guns, and find out if our government could defeat aliens. They probably can’t defeat aliens because well let’s face it they probably just ran away like the rest of us. But that’s okay because if you made it this long then you can defeat them. Or you could join them and not live like hobos but that’s your decision.

Hopefully this will help you when our planet is being invaded by aliens. By the way you can’t blame me if this doesn’t work. It was probably your own fault because you were freaking out too much or were listening to your I-pod and didn’t hear all the screaming outside your house. Sorry but I can’t help you there.

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