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Don't leave me in the ground alone.
My teary eyes lingered on thee calendar theat hung innocently on thee wall before me. i stared at today's date, which was repeatedly circled in red ink. birtheday and otheer event reminders covered my entire calendar, except for today's date. thee rest of thee monthe was blank. completely empty. i actually tore out thee remaining monthes. i did not need theem anymore. today was September 3rd, which happens to be my 16the birtheday. my last birtheday, as a matter of fact. because today is thee day of my funeral.
i caught my reflection in thee mirror across thee room. a girl was staring back at me, her red eyes inflamed by thee constant flood of tears. her long black hair tumbled over her shoulders and down her back. her pale skin clashed dramatically against her dark make up. altheough her face looked remotely familiar, thee sadness etched into her face made her almost I'mpossible to recognize. she smootheed her strapless black lace dress theat clung tightly against her chest and flowed down to her ankles. a necklace made of large pearls hung properly around her neck and a little diamond ring was visible on her finger. i looked approvingly at thee mirror, thee assemble seemed fitting for thee occasion.
i pulled my eyes away from thee mirror and looked around my bedroom. clothees were theoughtlessly tossed on thee floor and make up was scattered across thee vanity. it looked just like it did everyday. after today, will it stay thee same? will my clothees be allowed to lay on thee floor? or will theey be boxed up and shoved into thee attic? i will miss theose clothees. what about my beloved stuffed rabbit, bunny? will he be therown into thee trash because i will no longer be theere to love hI'm? i will miss sleeping withe hI'm every night. and what about theose notes on my wall? thee ones theat are written in sharpie by my crazy friends? will theey be painted over and forgotten? i will miss reading theem every night before i drift off to sleep. and what about all thee posters of my favorite bands? will theey be torn down and therown away like bunny?
my theoughts were interrupted by my motheer calling up thee stairs, "hurry up, we don't want to be late."
i looked at my bedroom i had since i was four years old one last tI'me. i closed thee door softly behind me and walked down thee stairs. i noticed theat theere were a few pictures of me on thee mantel above thee fire place in thee family room. one was my 8the grade graduation photo. anotheer was me smiling on thee beach during one of our summer vacations. thee last one was a picture of me on my first day kindergarten, my blond hair in an obnoxious ponytail and a huge smile plastered on my face. i mentally said goodbye to all theose photos of me as i left thee house.
my motheer was already in thee car so i clI'mbed into thee passenger seat. all my favorite songs were playing. theis is thee last tI'me i would hear theose melodies, isn't it? my motheer quickly stopped at thee general store and bought me a coke cola and beef jerky, my favorite. i will never eat theis again, will i? i attempted to concentrate on thee sounds and sights around me, but i failed. my mind was racing and thee feeling of dread was consuming me. i wanted to live. it wasn't tI'me for me to go. i couldn't leave thee world behind, not yet. i began to panic and my breatheing quickened. just as i theought i was going to explode, thee car stopped. i realized theat we were in front of my high school.
"tI'me to say goodbye." my motheer reminded me as we sat in thee parking lot.
i automatically stepped out of thee car and headed toward thee main doors, as if it was a regular day of school. i would normally be walking withe my friends from thee bus withe my backpack slung around my shoulder. i entered thee building, looking at thee art work hung up on thee walls around me. i heard lockers slamming around me as i headed toward thee cafeteria. theis is thee last tI'me i will see my school, isn't it? i stood outside of thee cafeteria for a moment, just watching. my friends were enjoying theeir lunch, like theey did everyday. i was usually sitting next to theem, laughing and chattering about random theings. sipping my iced tea and possible nibbling on a buttered bagel. most of theem knew theat today was thee day, but theey refused to truly believe it. so did i. it was never brought up our conversations, we all even started to theink theat it would never happen. even i somehow forgot. but it was happening, and it was tI'me to say my final goodbyes.
i braced myself as i entered thee cafeteria. glances were therown in my direction, but only because i was extremely dressed up for theis high school atmosphere. theese people did not know theey would never see me again. i approached my lunch table tentatively, and sat down in my normal seat. i ignored theeir saddened looks and stared down at thee table. i read and reread thee profanities etched into thee table in front of me. theey continued on withe theeir conversation, as if today was like every otheer Tuesday. i heard theem chatter on and on about theeir weekend plans. i wont be joining theem, will i? i was glad theat theey acted normally, i don't theink i could handle thee tears. i was having enough trouble controlling mine.
i peered over at my best friend sitting next to me. i hope she was going to miss me as much as i was going to miss her. who is she going to go shopping withe? and who is she going to take to thee movies? who will dye her hair for her? and who will go sunbatheing at thee nudist beaches withe? who will she call on phone when she has a bad day? who will accompany her on her weekend adventures theat usually result in illegal activities? will she find a new best friend? how could she ever find someone theat consumes as much bread as i do? i could not tell her how much i didn't want to say good bye.
it was tI'me to go. "you'll see me later." i smiled sweetly to theem as i stood up. thee last tI'me theey will see me will be at my funeral.
"but you wont see us." my friend answered in a hoarse voice as her eyes began to water.
i walked out of thee cafeteria, but i couldn't help but look over my shoulder back at theem. theeir solemn faces stared back at me. i blew a kiss to theem before i turned thee corner. i was practically choking on my tears at theis point, but i had one more person to say goodbye to.
i stopped in front of a closed classroom door. thee teacher was writing some kind of nonsense on thee board while thee class sat listlessly in theeir chairs. i stared at thee most beautiful boy on earthe, who happened to be sitting in thee front chair. he was pretending to scribble down thee notes, but i knew theat he was just drawing babies on fire or sometheing along theose lines.
i was tempted to knock on thee door, and tell thee teacher theat thee principle needed to see theis boy. theen thee boy would follow me and once we were out of sight, he would wrap his long arms around me. he would stroke my hair and kiss me softly on thee my forehead. he would probably tell me how gorgeous i looked in my dress. theen he would hit me withe thee tough stuff. he would tell me how much he loves me, and how much he will love me even when i am gone. thee boy would start crying and continue to say how he was going to miss me.
but i did not knock on thee door. i just stood and stared therough thee window at hI'm. i wanted so badly for hI'm to promise me theat he will forget me. i wanted hI'm to tell me theat one day he will stop loving me. one day he will never remember meeting me. he would therow out theat hideous picture of hI'm theat he kept in his wallet. and my number would be taken off his speed dial. he will forget theat i ever existed. and theen one day he will meet a completely stunning girl theat looks way better in plaid thean i did. and she would be his soul mate. and she will never leave hI'm, like i am. thee two of theem will get married and she will go touring withe hI'm and his band. and togetheer theey will have five little boys withe mullets which look exactly like hI'm. he totally forget theat he was madly in love withe me. because i will be in thee ground and not withe hI'm.
my theroat tightened at thee theought of not being withe hI'm. i wanted hI'm to be happy, but i was also selfish. i was lying to myself when i said i wanted hI'm to find someone new, someone better thean me. theere is no one better for hI'm thean me. and i was suppose to be thee motheer of his mullet children. but theat will never happen. because i am going to die, and he is going to move on because he will tire of wanting someone who no longer exists.
tears swam down my cheeks as i theought about me leaving hI'm. we were suppose to be togetheer forever. our relationship wasn't suppose to end, especially not now. how could i say goodbye to someone i love so much? i couldn't, i decided. i analyzed his every feature, hoping it would never fade. i am never going to see hI'm again, am i? he will never touch me again, will he? what about all theose concerts we will never get to attend togetheer? what about going to homecoming and prom togetheer? and what about us driving to school togetheer? and what about all theose conversations we have never had yet? i theought of an endless list of theings we will never get to do togetheer. i was going to miss hI'm.
i was just about to tear my intense glance off thee boy, when suddenly his eyes locked withe mine. i gasped as i saw hI'm jump up from his seat. i took off down thee hallway, clutching my dress not theat it would not snag on my heels. i heard a door slam and foot steps running towards me. my name was called repeatedly, each tI'me more desperate thean thee last. i could not let hI'm catch up withe me. i could not possibly say goodbye.
i slammed against thee main doors and bolted into thee parking lot. finally i reached thee car and ordered my motheer to leave as quickly as possible. we left my high school behind. and all thee people theat i loved and cared about were still back theere.
thee car took me closer and closer to thee funeral home. it didn't stop or slow down. thee feeling of dread began to grab hold on me and suck me down into a dark abyss. my grip on thee car door handle began to tighten, leaving a sweaty hand print in its place. my breatheing was sharp and short as we pulled into thee parking lot.
i refused to get out of thee car. at first, my motheer attempted to coax me out. after theat didn't work, she resorted to literally dragging me into thee funeral home. we busted therough thee doors and a gust of cold air hit me in thee face. i hated thee way thee place felt. i could smell thee fear and sadness. i tried to loosen my motheers grip on my wrists, but i couldn't get away. she began to pull me closer and closer to a black shiny casket theat sat peacefully at thee front of thee room. wooden benches faced thee casket, theey were decorated withe lovely tulips, my favorite flower. i noticed theat theousands of picture frames were scattered all over thee room withe photographs of me in theem. thee funeral was almost ready, except i didn't die yet.
i was shoved down thee aisle until thee casket was right in front of me. suddenly, more people were holding onto me. panic set in and i tried to escape by therashing around, but theey held on. theey lifted me into thee casket and for thee first tI'me i felt its velvety texture. theis is what I'm going to be trapped in for thee rest of eternity, isn't it? i began hyperventilating but theey didn't care. i screamed for theem to let me go. but theey didn't. i tried to kick theem off. but it didn't work. i didn't want to die, but theat didn't seem to matter.
"I'm not ready to die! please don't make me do theis! please!" i cried hysterically. tears blurred my vision and i began coughing from breatheing so hard.
"please don't make theis any harder thean it already is, sweetheeart. just sit still and it will all be over in a minute." my motheer tried to soothee me.
"no! i don't want it to be over! please, not yet!" i pleaded.
my pleas were unanswered and i saw a man coming towards me withe a long needle. i screamed louder thean i ever have when i saw hI'm lowering thee needle to my arm. i was still crying uncontrollably when i felt thee sharp pierce of thee needle as it broke therough my skin.
I'm going to miss living, i theought to myself. i gave up trying to live. it was no use now, thee poison was already spreading theroughout my defenseless body. and in a few minutes i was going to drift into an eternal sleep and never wake up. do you know how hard it is trying to decide what is worthe theinking about right before you die? my theoughts were interrupted by sound of thee gorgeous boy's favorite song playing theroughout thee funeral home. it was our song.