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How to Spot a Zombie

By , Quinlan, TX
In the movies, zombies are portrayed as looking like humans only with bloodied teeth and blood shot eyes. This is a crock. The following guide will help you spot a real zombie in case of an emergency.

Physical Appearance:
What you see in movies depicting zombies is a lie, for the most part. Real zombies have extremely pale skin, to the point of being blue. Their skin is rotting, sometimes even falling off the bone and in extreme cases, bones and internal organs are visible. Real zombies have ragged and earth splattered clothes most likely with holes in them. They walk with a limp extended arms and most importantly, have an uncontrollable hunger for flesh.

The Stupid Test:

No this test is not stupid but will in fact, helps you identify a zombie. Real zombies are extremely stupid! In the movies, you see zombies copying their victims by climbing trees or opening doors. So the following ideas are well…ideas for you to escape the clutches of and identifying a zombie.
a)
Climb a tree: by successfully climbing a tree, the zombie will grunt and moan with the effort in attempt to climb after you.
b)
The Glass Test: Take shelter in a building with a lot of glass windows or for fun, made of glass. Barricading the doors is optional. Movie zombies will logically break the glass. Real zombie will hit their heads repeatedly in order to feed off of you. Not only have you obtained a check mark on your ‘looks-like-a-zombie’ checklist but have entertainment.
c)
The Mirror Test: Obtain a large, tall mirror and prop it against a wall. The zombie will try to eat its own reflection. Word to the wise: zombies will try harder to eat their reflection if their brain is showing.
d)
The Door Test: Real zombies cannot open doors. They can’t tell the difference between the ‘push’ or the ‘pull’. So if you believe you have a zombie on your hands, get behind doors and enjoy a nice cup of joe. For more entertainment try this with a revolving door.

The HQ:
You will always find real zombies in graveyards (not attending a funeral), a morgue (and are not a mortician), large cities after an explosion (and they are not part of the cleanup crew) battle fields (and their not wearing a uniform) or even Michael Jacksons “Thriller” video.

The Absolute Test:
WARNING! The following test is a last resort test. This should only be performed if your “zombie” has failed the majority of the above mentioned tests.

If you are sure that someone might be a zombie, shoot them. If they remain standing and come towards you or fall, gut up with a large hole in them and come at you, my friend, you have a zombie on your hands.

To Rid Yourself of Your Zombie:

There is no sure way to get rid of your zombie; rather you can keep it as a pet. Zombies have a short attention span so the easiest solution would be to paint a ball (tennis ball) like a brain and play fetch. At night, just chain the poor thing up and you’ve got your very own pet zombie.





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Raven_Mi said...
Apr. 19, 2011 at 2:20 pm

lol

so funny, i like the humour u used,

its espcially creepy as i just started watching 'the walking dead' series.

 
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