Do you love me", he asks solemnly? I could see the rage behind his azure, blue eyes. I stay silent, eyes down. He asks again only louder this time. His voice getting deeper with every word. I cringe into the corner, as he screams fully into my face. My courage has failed me. Acceptance can be like closure. It can relieve the pain, or fuel the fire. Same with the truth, and the truth simply was that we were never meant to be together, and never would make it as shunned lovers. As I think this, the strength slowly returns to my weak knee's. I stand to my full height. Straightening my back, and squaring my shoulders. He glares knowingly, half anticipation, half conception. "I could never love you the way you want me to", I lie, emphasizing every word. His face doesn’t fall, but I can see the inner disappointment one always see's after knowing, living, and loving a person for so long. The connections and bonds we've made will never disappear. I will always feel that unnatural pull towards Ethan, but I know we're going in two different directions. We have separate lives, and goals. His faults cant become my downfall. Even if he holds my heart, I hold my mind and common sense. And I have enough of both that I can sense a potential landmine when it comes my way. Maybe once I've matured, accomplished, experienced, and devoted myself to my life we can meet again in the Netherlands , and see what the future holds for us both. He grabs my shoulders roughly, his face raw with uncontrolled emotions. I can only look away. 'You don’t mean that, you need me.....I love you", he grinds out.; tears leaking from the corner of one eye. He quickly swipes it away, only to be bombarded with more. I feel the lump rise in my throat. "I love you Sacha, I'll admit it to you, to the world", he giddily cries. "I'll do anything you want, just don’t leave me", he finishes lamely. I wrap my arms around him, an unintended reaction. He sinks into my arms, and lies his golden, blonde head on my chest. Out of habit, I press my fingers to his chest. "Our heart beats are the same", I say. He says nothing. I settle into the familiar routine of my life with Ethan. How many times have I tried to leave, but am instantly tied down by pity, love, and routine. I know I can never leave him, I don’t know why I try. Its more than attachment, its love, its destiny. Strapped to a man with demons that shadow his every step, watch his every move. He swore to keep them under control, and I swore to help him vanquish the dark beings that eat away at his very soul. The large vanity mirror in our bedroom stares at me. The contrast between the disturbed and exalted. Dark russet skin against pale ivory. Silky blonde mixed with wild brown curls. Who better to help him than one who needs help herself. I know I can save his soul and send it to the man who lifted my fallen heart. The fallen heart that was once dying. Killing her slowly from the inside out. The wardens of the netherworld called for my soul, as I sank deeper into the dark hole of depression. Without me Ethan would have fallen into the same hole, drowned in the same wild water. The mirror before me, showed me all my recreational faults, so that I could fix them. It has shown me the err of my ways and the vain correspondence of my heart. Now I live for another. I destroyed what chance I had at perfection, when I chose to follow Lucifer down from the golden roads of heaven. I threw away any chance at complete redemption when I turned my back on The Creator . Now my life is not my own anymore. Millions of years walking on this earth, disguised as a mere mortal has humbled me, and these last few years have given me hope. Hope is something that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. Hope of being saved. Hope for redemption in the eyes of the Lord. I've been given the mission. The mission to protect those weaker than I. Ethan started as a mere ladder. A ladder too get me back into the favor of Yeshua. Ethan continued on to be the reason I've persevered through the many cold nights. The love I get from him has warmed my wicked, and frozen soul. Melted the ice upon my heart. Given me a reason to live. As I said, how many times have I lost faith and been pulled back by him. He doesn’t hold power, or strength over me. I could easily knock him away with a flick of my fingers. He holds me by my heart, clutching it painfully. reminding me ever so often, why I am here, and who I am here for. I've severed my ties to Lucifer, and hope to never be associated with him again. Though I shall always be categorized as one of the cursed fallen. It wasn’t a gracious fall, the fall ripped my divine advantages from me. The little bit of my wings that are left, are torn, and tattered. I keep them hidden from prying eyes. I am ashamed of the life I chose for myself, and am convinced that I can return to his good graces, and lay at his feet without conviction. Ethan lifts his head to look at me, I stare back down at him. The rapture I feel when I look into his eyes. I feel beautiful, desired, intelligent, and victorious. The demons within him are masked when he remains with me. The demon of greed, jealousy, power, lust, and death are at bay when I hold him in my arms. When he is criticized by the world, I am there to divert there gazes, and bring their wrath upon myself. Ethan has committed horrible crimes in the name of power. He has killed so many in the name of pride. When he grows old, he will have a hard time sleeping. The deaths, rapes, maiming are still in his mind. But his mind is young and forgetful. He can easily disregard, or suppress an unwanted memory. my mind is as old as the land itself, I remember everything. See everything. Remember everything I see. I am still watching him, watch me. He looks so innocent now. The injustices have disappeared in the name of pure beauty. One so beautiful, should be as pure as a morning rose. Looks are deceiving, and deceit is easily accomplished. I smooth the stray hair from his forehead. He leans forward to plant a small kiss upon my lips. I close my eyes willingly, savoring the taste of honey, and fresh dew. I pull up and lean my head on his. I visualize a place we can truly be free, and be together. I notice we are both looking at ourselves in the mirror. “Frebe don triesu, caglione de loheir mon amore”, I say in an ancient Afrique-Italien language. He responds slowly, cautiously in Greek. A language we are both native to. “bdiRQ vWÁCY gca^XËW”, the sensuous and romantic words of the Greek roll of his tongue. I shiver and close my eyes. Its crazy how love chooses the worst times to find you. Find you and ensnare your heart in its iron grip. The first rays of early morning were peaking through the small apartment window. I reside on Broken Avenue, west of Haven Street. The slums, I’d been reduced to living in the poverty stricken area of New York City. I actually preferred the humble lifestyles, opposed to the upscale, more important styles. Ethan on the other hand, understood and appreciated the importance of finer living. The son of a famous ambassador. How he made his way down to my level, I will never know nor understand. I could feel the intertwining of our destinies the first day we met.
February 11, 2011