Mission Near Impossible

February 2, 2011
By alex_gold SILVER, Southlake, Texas
alex_gold SILVER, Southlake, Texas
9 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
'You can approach the act of writing with nervousness, excitement, hopefulness, or even despair - the sense that you can never completely put on the page what's in your mind and heart. You can come to the act with your fists clenched and your eyes narrowed, ready to kick ass and take down names. You can come to it because you want a girl to marry you or because you want to change the world. Come to it any way but lightly. Let me say it again: you must not come lightly to the blank page.'

Stephen King


What can I say? Maybe this was all a misunderstanding, but it wasn't. This all happened by accident, but it didn't. Everything happened for a reason.

My bright green highlights stood out in my flowing black hair. My clothes were stained and comfortable. I was hunched over a platter with dissecting utensils, trying to decipher which tool was used for what procedure. My lab partner was just staring at me, waiting for the right time to bolt to the bathroom; that way he wouldn't have to do any work. He was doing that kind of twitchy dance like I used to do when I was a little kid, but I only danced like that because I was young and needed the assistance. Garret was sixteen and very capable. "If you really have to go to the little boys room, Garret, I won't hold it against you," I finally said. He looked more relieved than anything; gave me a thankful look and went off. It was in his nature to leave his backpack in class and ditch, so naturally this didn’t occur to me until after I let him leave. I wasn't going to see him again.

Alright- so I took the blame for his absence. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know why. Mr. Gunnar docked my participation grade by ten points because I “forgot” to tell him that my partner went home sick. Luckily he didn’t find where I hid Garret’s backpack. I didn’t complain and I didn’t care. There was something odd about how Garret’s gray eyes could look into mine and seem so robotic. It was like he was an alien from Mars and didn’t know how to show emotion. I was curious as to how he was able to be the master of disguise. I was intrigued. I wanted to know what made his clock tick and why did it make his clock tick in that certain way?

That was my first mistake.

The day was over, or at least for the school it was, for me it was just beginning; but I didn’t know it yet. The clouds were shielding the sun from us, as if we were not worthy to be in its presence. These clouds were angry though, not little fluffy or puffy ones, they were thunder clouds. It was about to hail and I knew it. Was that a problem? Yes. I may have been sixteen, but I only had my permit, so no car for me. Even if I did have a car, hail was still a big problem. I did the only thing that I could do, which was sprint as fast as I could to my house; which also happened to be a mile and a half away. Great.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! I thought to myself as I made my way down the slippery and wet sidewalk. I was being buried by golf ball sized hail, and it did not feel good. I finally gave up on getting home and ran for shelter in the nearest 7-Eleven that I could find. Here in Johnson Town, 7-Elevens substituted for our grocery stores, so naturally I would be safe there right?

Wrong.

This 7-Eleven happened to be closed, so I was stuck huddled as close to the building as I could get so I wouldn’t be hit by anymore hail. If that weren’t enough of a problem, my cell phone had died, or should say it was killed, because when I brought it out to call my mom it got knocked out of my hand by the hail and shattered when it hit the pavement. I was shivering by then so I wouldn’t have been able to hold the cell phone anyway, or at least that was what I kept telling myself. I decided that I would have to wait the storm out, or freeze to death, whichever came first. I sat my backpack down and made a pillow out of it. I tried to keep warm by huddling into a ball and laying my head onto the backpack. Before I knew it, I fell asleep.

“Will it be alright?” “I don’t know it looked like an ice cube when I found it.” “Pity. I wanted a snack before sunrise.” “Nice Try! I found it! It’s mine!” “Oh yeah? Who had the idea to go out for an early snack? Huh? That would be me. And who decided we better take it just in case it thaws? Me, again! That makes it mine!” “You pig! You got the last one anyway! So its my turn to feast!” “How come you always pull rank on me? Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you are the boss!” “We can’t eat it anyways. We have a mission to complete. And you’re not going to mess this one up like the last one! I am tired for covering for you! It makes me look like the fool, when you are the one who is the fool!” “Oh shut up!” “No, you shut up!” “I told you first!” “I told you…“ “Shh! Shh! It’s waking!” “There you go again being bossy!” “I said shut up!” Whack! “Alright!”

I couldn’t open my eyes. They felt like they were sealed shut; and whenever I tried to move, I could feel my body moaning and groaning. Also, did I mention that I was so cold that it felt like there was an earthquake, but I was the only one shaking? I thought that I was going crazy. While I was lying down, I could have sworn that I heard voices. There was no one so foolish to go out into a winter storm just to get some groceries at a 7-Eleven, unless they wanted a new paint job for their car, and they needed a reason to get one. Though I couldn’t make out what they were saying, I could have sworn I heard the voices again right as I tried to sit up, but I crumbled back down to the pavement with an umph! Ok, stay calm, I thought. Stay calm. You are not going crazy. You are just imagining things. Imagining voices. Even in my own mind that sounded like I was going insane. I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to break the silence. “Who’s there?” I called. “See I told you to shut up!” “So I’m not going crazy,” I mumbled to myself. I then called, “I can’t see, can you help me? I seemed to have taken a spill because I can’t move my legs either.” “You idiot! Now it knows we’re here! You could have kept quiet like I told you to, but no you had to have the last word!” “No I didn’t!” “Now what do we do, Oh Bossy One?” “Shh quiet! Maybe it hasn’t seen us yet!” “What do you mean it hasn’t seen us yet? It heard us! Besides, you are the one who sealed its eyes shut with the serum!” “Oh yeah… But still if we keep quiet, maybe it will forget about us.” “You always underestimate humans and it inevitably gets us into trouble!” “That’s not fair.” “Missions aren’t meant to be fair, now be quiet!” “Um, whoever is there, you know I can still hear you right?” I asked. Silence met my question, and with that silence came the realization that I was in trouble- big trouble.

Suddenly, there was huge explosion of broken glass raining down from above, and mixed in was the golf ball sized hail. That was when I realized that the ground was dry and warm. Where was I? There were footsteps, now, followed by shouting. “Blast! How did they find us?” “You idiot, they probably tracked the earthling that you stole!” “I stole? It was your idea to go out for an early snack, and it was also your idea to bring it along with us!” “Never mind that! Just grab it and scatter!” “Stop them! Don’t let them take the girl!” Shouted a guy’s voice.

Garret?

“A girl!” “So that’s what it is!” Said my captors with realization.


The author's comments:
This is a little blip of a story that I am brainstorming about. Hope you enjoy it!

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This article has 24 comments.


on Jun. 17 2011 at 3:16 am
IAmWhoIWantToBe PLATINUM, Manila, Other
41 articles 0 photos 650 comments

Favorite Quote:
‎"I’m learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world: I run my world." - Beyoncé

i think it's interesting.. but i couldnt understand some parts like the paragraphs with many quotation marks... 

on Jun. 14 2011 at 10:05 pm
alex_gold SILVER, Southlake, Texas
9 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
'You can approach the act of writing with nervousness, excitement, hopefulness, or even despair - the sense that you can never completely put on the page what's in your mind and heart. You can come to the act with your fists clenched and your eyes narrowed, ready to kick ass and take down names. You can come to it because you want a girl to marry you or because you want to change the world. Come to it any way but lightly. Let me say it again: you must not come lightly to the blank page.'

Stephen King

Thanks for all of your comments everyone! I just wanted to tell you that I have posted a new version of this exact story! Hopefully you guys like it better than this one. It is a little less confusing. :)

on Jun. 8 2011 at 9:01 pm
Bliss_of_Darkness BRONZE, Milladore, Wisconsin
3 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Wow. I love this story so far. It is very well done. The only problem I have is the same that AddictedToWriting has. Start a new paragraph every time a new character comes in or when the other character repiles to the speaker. It cuts down on the confusion the reader has. ^^

Overall, you did an amazing job and I hope to see more of your work soon. ^^


on Jun. 7 2011 at 4:08 pm
AddictedToWriting BRONZE, La Grande, Oregon
3 articles 5 photos 124 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Writer's Block is when your characters get fed up with all you put them through and go on strike." -- Anonomous
"A Writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."--Thomas Mann

Nice.  I hope you decide to continue this and make it into a novel or something.

Just one thing; when there's two or more people talking, you have to begin a new paragraph each time a new person talks, otherwise it's entirely too confusing.


on Jun. 4 2011 at 7:09 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1648 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

That was amazing!  I love the dialogue between the aliens, it was hilarious.  I really enjoyed your short story.  Good job!

SJ_101 said...
on Jun. 4 2011 at 6:36 pm
SJ_101, Somewhere, New York
0 articles 0 photos 170 comments

This was really interesting to read. LOL, I couldn't have imagined that "they" were aliens! :) Nice twist. At first, I was confused as to why "they" were calling the girl, "it." But, then, it makes sense.

However, I think you could make the dialogue more clearer. Try indenting, instead of muddling up the dialogue in one hunk of a paragraph.

Also, this story needs more to it. Like the others said, you should have added more events. Everything went by in an oddly fast manner. Basically, you need to develop this story more.


on Jun. 4 2011 at 6:50 am
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

I love the way you did the dialogue, and the voice in the story was really intriguing. You did a good job with this. :)

on Jun. 3 2011 at 10:17 pm
WritingSpasms, Los Angeles, California
0 articles 0 photos 121 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Devils run when a good man goes to war."
- River Song from Doctor Who (Ep. A Good Man Goes to War)

I'm into a lot of sci-fi, alieny, out-of-this-world, stuff, and reading this made me squeal with joy in a weird nerdy way. xD I actually love the dialogue, compared to others around here. It was very well written.

on Feb. 17 2011 at 9:45 pm
Tatiel PLATINUM, Washington, Vermont
23 articles 21 photos 57 comments

Favorite Quote:
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
~Mark Twain

Wowww, I like this a lot! Very very intriguing. I actually like how the dialogue between the...aliens =P was just back-and-forth bickering without anything really diferentiating between different speakers. It makes it seem more confusing and reeling, like the girl would be hearing it from her sightless position. Very nice!

on Feb. 6 2011 at 3:21 pm
Hazel-daisy GOLD, --, Other
19 articles 0 photos 324 comments

Favorite Quote:
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else - Erna Bombeck

In three words i can sum up everything I've learned in life: it goes on -Robert Frost

Live, Love, Laugh - ______

Hope, Love, breathe <3 - Me

i really like it, i really like the style its writtin in and it really drew my attention, tis is kind of how i write short stories, i mean how the charactor narrates and tings like that. i like where the story is going aswel!!

on Feb. 6 2011 at 12:54 am
Elizabeth_Day SILVER, Battle Ground, Washington
9 articles 0 photos 34 comments
Good job, Alex_Gold!  I really like your main character.  She seems like a pretty cool girl - what with her green highlights and all - and I like the voice you've given her.  I was a bit confused about why her lab partner never came back after he left to use the bathroom and why her teacher would blame her for Garret's absence.  Also, I know others have mentioned this, but your alien creatures' dialouge should have more than just back-and-forth bantering.  Maybe put in some other sounds like feet shifting on the ground or the tone that the creatures use when speaking.  Overall though, good work.

on Feb. 5 2011 at 10:53 pm
tallgirl1222 SILVER, South Pasadena, California
5 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Actions make character. If you never do anything, you never become anyone." An Education 2009

First of all, good job.  Nice writing style.  However, like others are commenting, I think your characters and story could be little bit more developed, and you need to start a new paragraph when you're introducing a speaker.  The paragraph in which the main character's captors are arguing gets a little long in some places.  Maybe develop the captor's characters a little more, or add more detail in the dialogue, or just cut a few lines?  Hope this helps.

on Feb. 5 2011 at 9:03 pm
alex_gold SILVER, Southlake, Texas
9 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
'You can approach the act of writing with nervousness, excitement, hopefulness, or even despair - the sense that you can never completely put on the page what's in your mind and heart. You can come to the act with your fists clenched and your eyes narrowed, ready to kick ass and take down names. You can come to it because you want a girl to marry you or because you want to change the world. Come to it any way but lightly. Let me say it again: you must not come lightly to the blank page.'

Stephen King

I am waiting for approval, but I have submitted a revised copy. The characters are a lot easier to understand. Now I submitted this before a lot of you gave me certain advice, so be aware of that  please! Thanks a bunch everyone!!! :)

on Feb. 5 2011 at 11:49 am
Timekeeper DIAMOND, Cary, North Carolina
62 articles 0 photos 569 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk'?, and I say 'No that's trendy'!"- Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day

I agree with the other users, your writing needs to be clearer, and you definitely need new paragraphs everytime you introduce a new speaker.

charmiypiggy said...
on Feb. 5 2011 at 5:52 am
charmiypiggy, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 116 comments

Favorite Quote:
You eat food for the enjoyment of it; the fact that it helps you stay alive is just a bonus.

I'm afraid I have to agree with AshTree. Though the idea you have for the story is somewhat intriguing, your writing was underdeveloped. I would have edited your story and reposted it, but it seems that AshTree has beat me to it. I would recommend that you take AshTree's advice on your article.

AshTree SILVER said...
on Feb. 4 2011 at 6:58 pm
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

URG. the TeenInk.comment is messing up. Ignore the underlines.

AshTree SILVER said...
on Feb. 4 2011 at 6:57 pm
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

“Ok, stay calm.” My breathing became more regulated. “Stay calm. You are not going crazy. You are just imagining things.” I laughed inside. “Imagining voices.” That sounded like I was going insane. “Who’s there?”

“See I told you to shut up!”

 “So I’m not going crazy,” I mumbled to myself. “I can’t see, can you help me? I seemed to have taken a spill because I can’t move my legs either.”

“You idiot! Now it knows we’re here! You could have kept quiet like I told you to, but no you had to have the last word!”

“No I didn’t!”

 “Now what do we do, Oh Bossy One?”

 “Shh quiet! Maybe it hasn’t seen us yet!”

“What do you mean it hasn’t seen us yet? It heard us! Besides, you are the one who sealed its eyes shut with the serum!”

 “Oh yeah… But still if we keep quiet, maybe it will forget about us.”

 “You always underestimate humans and it inevitably gets us into trouble!”

 “That’s not fair.”

“Missions aren’t meant to be fair, now be quiet!”

 “Um, whoever is there, you know I can still hear you right?” Silence met my question, and with that silence came the realization that I was in trouble- big trouble.


I raised my head to the sky, ready to scream to god. I was met be a huge explosion of broken glass mixed with the golf-ball-sized hail. That was when I realized that the ground was dry and warm. Where was I? There were footsteps, now, followed by shouting. “Blast! How did they find us?”

“You idiot, they probably tracked the earthling that you stole!”

“I stole? It was your idea to go out for an early snack, and it was also your idea to bring it along with us!”

 “Never mind that! Just grab it and scatter!”

“Stop them! Don’t let them take the girl!” Shouted a guy’s voice.

Garret?

“A girl!”

“So that’s what it is,” said my captors with realization.

 

 

This was a great concept. Orginal. I love orginality. Use that. Change what I wrote. Make it your own, but don't forget the basic grammar rules.

I think you are a wonderful author, but are still progressing, just as I am. I'm not an expert, god knows that, but I do love helping people to improve. If you have any specific questions on how to fix it up (or the revisions I made) then just reply to my comment.

can't wait for your next draft. : )


AshTree SILVER said...
on Feb. 4 2011 at 6:56 pm
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

And of course with my luck, This 7-Eleven happened to be closed. I was stuck. Huddled as close to the building as I could get, I wanted to scream. If that weren’t enough of a problem, my cell phone had died, or should say it was killed, because when I brought it out to call my mom it got knocked out of my hand by the hail and shattered when it hit the pavement. I was shivering by then so I wouldn’t have been able to hold the cell phone anyway, or at least that was what I kept telling myself. I grabbed my cell from my backpack and pressed two. The speed dial called my mother. It rang. Then, out of nowhere, hail knocks it out of my hand. It shatters across the pavement, more hail beating it, as if it weren’t dead enough. “Isn’t that a little overkill?” Shudders quaked throughout my body and my teeth began to chatter like crazy. I decided that I would have to wait the storm out, or freeze to death, whichever came first. I sat my backpack down and made a pillow out of it. I tried to keep warm by huddling into a ball and laying my head onto the backpack. Before I knew it, I fell asleep.


“Will it be alright?”

 “I don’t know it looked like an ice cube when I found it.”

 “Pity. I wanted a snack before sunrise.”

 “Nice Try! I found it! It’s mine!”

“Oh yeah? Who had the idea to go out for an early snack? Huh? That would be me. And who decided we better take it just in case it thaws? Me, again! That makes it mine!”

 “You pig! You got the last one anyway! So its my turn to feast!”

 “How come you always pull rank on me? Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you are the boss!”

 “We can’t eat it anyways. We have a mission to complete. And you’re not going to mess this one up like the last one! I am tired for covering for you! It makes me look like the fool, when you are the one who is the fool!”

 “Oh shut up!”

 “No, you shut up!”

 “I told you first!”

 “I told you-

 “Shh! Shh! It’s waking!”

 “There you go again being bossy!”

 “I said shut up!”

 Whack!

 “Alright!”


I couldn’t open my eyes. They felt like they were sealed shut, and whenever I tried to move, I could feel my body moaning and groaning. It felt like there was an earthquake, but I was the only one shaking? I thought that I was going crazy. While I was lying down, I could have sworn that I heard voices. There was no one so foolish to go out into a winter storm just to get some groceries at a 7-Eleven, unless they wanted a new paint job for their car. Though I couldn’t make out what they were saying, I could have sworn I heard the voices again right as I tried to sit up. I crumbled back down to the pavement with an “umph!”


AshTree SILVER said...
on Feb. 4 2011 at 6:56 pm
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

Alright, so I liked the idea of this story. I just don't think it was developed enough. The paragraphing was off. Sentences were choppy, repetition scattered it, dialouge could be cleaned up quite a bit to seem more realistic, some things just seemed awkward the way you worded it, description was skimpy, comma usage, punctuation in generall (especially around dialouge) and... her thoughts should be italics with a comma then she thought.

 

I think this could be a lot better if you work on it.  Just a little of ACTUAL criticism will make a BIG difference. I know that for sure.

 

The way I did this was stuff I added/changed in bold and sentences to delete or just make the writing awkward or unprofessional-looking underlined. I hope this was a detailed enough comment.

What can I say, maybe this was all a misunderstanding. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. It all happened by accident, but sometimes i wonder, did it really? But now that I think about it, I come to that old adage, Everything happens for a reason.

My Bright green highlights stood out in my flowing black hair. Despite my clothes being far beyond stained, I loved the comfortable way they slipped on. It was as if I wore a second layer of skin, fitting like a proverbial glove. I was hunched over a metal platter with dissecting utensils, trying to decipher which tool was used for what procedure. My lab partner was just staring at me, waiting for the right time to bolt to the bathroom. He was ready to leave, ready to escape before having to make any effort at all. He was doing that kind of twitchy dance like I used to do when I was a little kid, but I only danced like that because I was young and needed the assistance. Garret was sixteen and very capable that ancy kindergarteners did whilst waiting for the bathroom. What an immature 16-year-old.

“If you really have to go to the little boys room, Garret, I won't hold it against you” He seemed more relieved than anything as he gave me a thankful look, and ran off. “And He forgot his stuff.” I let out an irritated sigh and went back to work. It was in his nature to leave his backpack in class and ditch. It was just like all of the rest of the week. I wasn't going to see him again.

Alright- so I took the blame for his absence. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know why. Mr. Gunnar docked my participation grade by ten points because I “forgot” to tell him that my partner went home sick. Luckily, he didn’t find where I hid Garret’s backpack. I didn’t complain and I didn’t care. In fact, that robotic stare of Garret’s is what really turned me off from the idea of caring. There was something odd about how Garret’s gray eyes could look into mine and seem so robotic. It was like he was an alien from Mars and didn’t know how to show emotion. I was curious as to how he was able to be the master of disguise.  As I thought about Garret, even though my gut told me to stay away from the freak, I was intrigued. I wanted to know what made his clock tick and why did it make his clock tick in that certain way?

That was my first mistake.

 

The day was over. In terms  of school, yeah, but for me it was just the beginning. The clouds were shielding the sun from us, as if we were not worthy to be in its presence. These clouds were angry though, not little fluffy or puffy ones, they were thunder clouds. It was about to hail and I knew it. Was that a problem? Yes. I may have been sixteen, but I only had my permit, so no car for me. Even if I did have a car, hail was still a big problem. I did the only thing that I could do, which was sprint as fast as I could to my house; which also happened to be a mile and a half away. Great.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! “Come on!” I made my way down the slippery and wet sidewalk, cussing with each step. I was being buried by golf ball sized hail, and it did not feel good. It felt as if a spidermonkey was hanging on my back, pounding it with its furious fists. I finally gave up on getting home and ran for shelter in the nearest 7-Eleven that I could find. Here in Johnson Town, 7-Elevens substituted for our grocery stores, so naturally I would be safe there right?

Wrong.



on Feb. 4 2011 at 5:28 pm
AgnotTheOdd GOLD, Aptos, California
17 articles 0 photos 315 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The reason for your unreasonable treatment of my reason so enfeebles my reason that I have reason to complain of your reason" ~ Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Contrary to the other comments, your "hook" didnt quite grab me.  However, the second half of this article was really good and engaging with the dialogue.  The first half felt like you were rushing through all the "rising action" so that you could get to the climax with the alienish things.  The second time was better in its slower pace and more wonder and all that job.  This was very well written


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