Zeus the Lover of Malclai

December 24, 2010
By PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"


He was god of all the land. He was the god of the mortals and immortals. He was the god of gods; god of all. And his name was Zeus. Zeus lived high up in the clouds among the immortals. He was king over them. He was the most powerful ruler. He got whatever he wanted when he wanted it. It was his thrown; his power. Zeus often grew tired of the immortal paradise and enjoyed disguising himself as a mortal and walking among them. He loved using his powers on them. It was hilarious to him and it amused himself for quite a long time. One day as Zeus was out mingling with the Light Fairies a beautiful young mortal caught his eye. Her name was Malclaia. He loved the way her soft, golden hair flowed in the wind and how her crystal blue eyes put him into a luminous trance. She was perfect. There were no flaws about her. Her smile made his day. And her cute button nose made him smile. She fascinated him. He grew obsessed of her. He had to have her as his wife. For days he followed her around wherever she went so that he could find out what she liked. He followed her to the beauty store; where she loved to try on the newest, fresh aromas and fragrances of perfume. He followed her to the pet store; where she enjoyed caring for the baby dragons, puppies and kittens. And he followed her to the laboratory; where she spent hours gazing through there big telescope; up above into the night sky. Zeus knew that Malclaia was in love with someone else. For her to fall in love with him, he would have to impress her. So one day while she was in the flower pastures picking flowers Zeus arose from the tall bundles behind her. He had startled her. “Don’t be alarmed”, he calmly said to her. “My dear Malclaia you have stolen my heart so I wish to impress you.” Then Zeus used his powers to make all the flowers of the world smell. Each and everyone had a different, sweet succulent aroma to them, so that she would always have a new fragrance to smell. She was impressed by this and excited to be able to sniff these new delightful smells, but she did not love him. So she turned her back on him and left. He was heart broken but still determined to win her over. Zeus was sadly walking past the flower shop that now smelt pleasant and fruity when he saw Malclaia. She looked prettier than ever in her long, slender, blue dress draped with yellow daisies. She was sitting in the Ramani Park petting her new puppy, Ezcla. She was speaking to it and it was listening to every heart felt word she was saying. If only in her wildest dreams would Ezcla be able to respond to her. “Perhaps giving animals speech would impress her enough”, thought Zeus. He began to approach her, but as she saw him do so, she quickly got up and began to run from him. She was not fast enough. He caught up to her and grabbed her arm. She struggled to release his clutch. “ Please don’t run”, he begged. “I love you and desire to grant your wish.” She knew he was too strong for her so she gave up and let him grant her wish. All of the sudden Ezclas bark disappeared and was replaced with a voice. And so were the barks of all the animals of the world. Malclaia was again impressed. She couldn’t believe that she could finally talk to animals. She couldn’t wait to speak to all the animals of the world, so she took Ezcla and ran off to the pet store. She had forgotten all about Zeus. Zeus was now alone and angrier then ever. What more could he do to impress her? It had been days since Zeus had seen his dear Malclaia. He was among the alleys, taking a shortcut to the sky clouds; when he heard a scream. “HELP!” The voice called out. It was malclaia. She was in trouble. The fearless Zeus sprang into action wounding the death dragon that was harming his love. Zeus was angry at the thought that something was trying to hurt Malclaia so he created death and killed the death dragon. He named death after the death dragon. He looked for Malclaia and found her on her knees crying and covered in blood. He swept her off her feet and carried her back to her cottage where he whipped up a healing potion for her, made of cloud dust, lightning bolts and snake venom. Now she was really impressed and began to fall in love with her hero. He took her up among the clouds to his palace and married her. Malclaia came to be the favorite out of his 21 wives. They lived happily together in his paradise. Then one day while Zeus was among the mortals, Malclaia met Adonis, the handsome god of desire and manly looks. She fell in love and began to have an affair with him. When Zeus found out what his Malclaia had done he took the sun and had it burn Malclaias’ skin until it was bright red and pealing. He called this pain, Sunburn. But even after he had done that to her she went back to cheating on him. She couldn’t resist Adonis. So to punish her for cheating again, he took away animals speech, except for parrots which he charmed to copy whatever it hears. He cursed Malclaia with it and made it so that the bird had to follow her wherever she went. Even as harsh as that was malclaia could not break free of Adonis’ charm. So again she cheated. And this time Zeus killed her. If he could not have her then no one could.


The author's comments:
I had to write a story about Zeus as a fiction piece and I really enjoy mythology and so I researched a lot and made up a story that I hope people enjoy.

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This article has 31 comments.


on Jan. 22 2011 at 1:12 am
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"

Thanks so much this will really help me to know where i need to improve on so i can clean up this piece!! :)

on Jan. 22 2011 at 1:11 am
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"

your welcome :)

on Jan. 22 2011 at 1:09 am
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"

thanks so much i appreciate the criticism!!! This is only my first draft and i can see i still have a lot of improvements to do before my final draft!!

Ashluv GOLD said...
on Jan. 16 2011 at 1:30 pm
Ashluv GOLD, Seaford, Delaware
15 articles 0 photos 2 comments
This story is really creative! I love greek mythology and the idea behind an obsessive love!...and thanks sooo much for  commenting on my work! :)

on Jan. 8 2011 at 4:58 pm
whispersofthenight GOLD, Tallahassee, Florida
10 articles 2 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
I am an artist; I paint with words.

Greek mythology with a twist. I like the idea, I love Greek mythology.

I think it would be better if it was formatted into paragraphs, as some other people were saying. Also, the part with the death dragon kind of confused me. I guess I just missed something. Grammar/spelling errors too, but that's fixed pretty easily.

And call me weird, but I kinda like the fact that it didn't end with a happy ending. I guess I like bittersweet endings.

I guess it still needs some cleaning up, but it's still a good story.


AshTree SILVER said...
on Jan. 7 2011 at 1:00 pm
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

I like the idea of this story because I like Greek mythology (my favorite god being Athena). I think it was a little choppy especially at the end, which was slightly rushed. I think paragraphs would have made it easier to read and as others have stated, varying sentences. I think the telescope thing was irrelevant as you did nothing with it. And I had to reread the part about the dragon because at first it made absolutely no sense. I think I missed a sentence. But I think saying he named death after the death dragon is a little redundent plus hades is already the g.od of the underworld and Thanatos the god of death. I know you are making a myth of your own and changing some facts but it is a little redundant.

 

Also, I think you should mention Hera and make Malclaia a forbidden lover (as he had many of these). And Malclaia's lover kind of disappears into thin air.

I like that in the end you made it myth-like by providing answers as to why things happen today.

 

this is a good story. It needs organization and some cleaning up. I say four stars.


on Jan. 6 2011 at 11:34 pm
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"

Do you have any ideas in what i can do to change the begining?? And thanks!! :)

on Jan. 6 2011 at 11:33 pm
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"

haha! Thanks! :)

on Jan. 6 2011 at 11:32 pm
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"

Thank you so much! this will help me so much and not just with this piece,but with others as well! I appreciate it! :):)

on Jan. 6 2011 at 11:28 pm
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"

That's a great idea thank you! I'll make sure to go back and edit this!!

on Jan. 6 2011 at 11:27 pm
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"

Thanks! :)

on Jan. 6 2011 at 11:26 pm
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"

Thank you i hope to follow my dream of becoming a journalist and getting a book published! :)

on Jan. 6 2011 at 11:25 pm
PerfectMGymnast DIAMOND, Parker, Colorado
57 articles 25 photos 633 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you don't leap you'lll never know what it's like to fly"

thanks! i'm glad you enjoyed reading it! i love to write for the readers to enjoy and feel something from it not just to write!!!( If that makes sense!! )

Birder SILVER said...
on Jan. 4 2011 at 2:16 pm
Birder SILVER, Waterboro, Maine
6 articles 22 photos 104 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, unless they do unto you first, then open a can of unto on to them."

"Obey the ninja."

"What's that? And why does it say snickle tickle?"

Wow! Lots of comments for such little time! I love this alot andits a myth that should go in the permanent myth book. Its very good, so keep up the good work! (^.^)-b      (the b is a thumbs up)

on Jan. 3 2011 at 12:46 pm
BrittieVee SILVER, Torbay, Other
6 articles 4 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Wow I can't belive I won,
This is awesome,
Don't trip and fall,
I'm gonna get to thank the fans,
This is so cool,
Oh kany'e west is here,
Cool haircut,
What are ya doing there...
Ouch...
I guess I'm not gonna get to thank the fans"
— Taylor Swift <3

This was amazing, i love mythology as well. every well writtin, although the begining was a little draggy because you always used "he" or "zeus". maybe if you changed up the first paragragh it would make it grab the attenchion of readers a bit more. It was very interesting, i gave it 5 stars :) every nice. ( and btw i loved the ending were it all came together )

on Jan. 3 2011 at 7:20 am
This was interesting, of course I like the myth alone, but with your imagination she twisted it beautifully.

on Jan. 2 2011 at 11:44 pm

Overall I found this entertaining (although a little more so near the end) and I respect the background information this was based on. Although I didn’t check it or anything that drastic, it seemed to be accurate information. In fact if you enjoyed that writing assignment you should really try doing historical fiction with a really in-depth look into a time period for the class of a certain person, especially a diary – but that’s really intense on research, so don’t take it lightly!!

This would be ten times better with better sentence variety. For example the sentence, “He swept her off her feet and carried her back to her cottage”… could become “Sweeping her off her feet, he carried her back…”

Other basic examples which could work well in this story are: “As she…, he ….” “Angry and brusque, he…” and many others which you can probably look up, which include lots of other prep phrases, adjective phrases, adverb clauses, and descriptions.

Paragraphs – to help with organization and flow, I suggest breaking this into paragraphs. I would place them: before  “Zeus knew she was in love with someone else”…  and before “it had been days since he’d seen his dear Malcaia”… and maybe another one before “now she was really impressed”… that last one is more stylistic that organizational though

The best line is when you are describing he dress. It is detailed but still flows very nicely. :D

Corrections: “the” or “their” big telescope, there doesn’t make sense really; and one place (when shes in trouble) Malicia isn’t capitalized.

But this was a good piece, just some structural improvements. :)


on Jan. 2 2011 at 10:54 pm
stubborn411 GOLD, Jamiaca, New York
13 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing is impossible, just highly improbable

I really like it. Its not often I can see myths that are made and still sound like myths and have tragic ends without overkill. Bravo. It was very nice.

on Jan. 2 2011 at 9:47 pm
Olive_Eyes GOLD, Granite Falls, Washington
18 articles 10 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
"My life has been one big joke, a dance that's walked, a song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself" Maya Angelou

I love this story! (: In some spots it would flow more smoothly if you tried to vary sentence beginings, for example the first part a lot of sentences start with "He" or "Zeus"
maybe try switching them around a bit?

That's the only critisism I could come up with! Your story shows that you can't buy love, and that people are selfish and silly. It's funderful (:(:


on Jan. 2 2011 at 8:47 pm
Unknown_listener PLATINUM, Lehi, Utah
20 articles 0 photos 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love me and the world is mine <3
I don't heart you I circle you because circles last forever!
"I can get hearing aids, but you'll always be an idiot !" by: Grandma

I love myths.. this one was full of twist and turns and you showed even gods had trouble getting what they wanted... your an amazing writer and i cant wiat to read more of your work.  keep writing storys for i believe that is were your future leads and if not do as a passion never let anyone put you down!


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