The Dog Translator

December 16, 2010
By Anonymous

“Welcome to News at 3. We’re here for an exclusive news report. Our scientific tools have finally allowed us to translate dog barks to human words. After many years, it is finally being showed to the public. Here is the translated adoption story of an everyday home dog.”
Hi, I’m Cody. When I was little, I lived in a doggy house. There were other big dogs like me there. There were also small dogs with whiskers. They always made “Miao miao” noises and I wished I could go chase and attack them so that they would be quiet. Everyone else in the doggy house barked all the time. It was very disrespectful because I was trying to sleep. Their parents should have taught them better.
Everyday in the doggy house, humans came by and would take some of my neighbors away. No one ever came back. Finally, on a barky afternoon, I heard someone opening my cage door. I opened my eyes in alert, and saw Leash Man. Leash Man was bad because when he put doggies on the leash, they almost never came back. I backed up into the corner, but Leash Man still got me and clipped me onto his evil leash. He took me to a room I have never been in before, and while I waited for something to happen, two kids started to play with me. They were very nice and every time I would lie down on my side, they started tickling my belly. My tail started waving—this was so much fun.
Before I got to say good-bye to them, I was put back in my cage. I was hungry and started dreaming about food. A hundred food bowls later, Leash Man was back. The kids and their mom were also there. They carried me to the outside world, where I had only been once before. Together we got into a big, chunky monster with wheels. I was scared, but I had no choice. I was so nervous that I peed inside the monster. The monster started to move, and soon, I wanted to sleep. When I woke up, I was being carried again. The person carrying me put me on the floor. The kids and the mom were there. They left to go to bed, and I howled all night. But now I love them, and I am so glad that they adopted me!
“To conclude this story, we have been told that scientists are trying to see what else they can find out about dogs. There will be more information tomorrow at 3. Next, a man goes into a store walking on his hands. We’ll be right back with more.”

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