Rationed

October 16, 2010
By Phoenix97 PLATINUM, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Phoenix97 PLATINUM, Minneapolis, Minnesota
29 articles 4 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
See lyrics to "Let the Waters Rise" by MIKESCHAIR and "Everything" by Lifehouse


The girl watched as the grey swirls of people skittered through the square like so many frightened shadows, each wrapped in their own absorbed silence. Since the day when words became rationed, silence had gradually settled over the city like a smothering blanket of dust, suffocating art, culture, even society. The fear of running out of words and finding themselves speechless pervaded the people. To be left speechless would be to be left helpless. At first, people had communicated through signs and gestures, not wanting to waste words since no one knew how many they had, but eventually people stopped caring. Gestures lacked the ease and expression of words, but words were too valuable to use. Communication gradually fell into disuse. With communication, the bonds that held nation to nation, family to family, even mother to child had deteriorated as well. The girl could remember shortly after the Rationing when her mother had found her chattering to the neighbor’s cat. Gripping her daughter with shaking hands, she had spared six of her valuable words to tell her daughter, “Words are precious. Never waste words.” Since then, the girl had lapsed into the silence that permeated her world. Only once had she ever wasted a word.

She had been prowling through the attic of her home, the forbidden storage room of pre-Rationing treasures, when a dusty photo frame caught her eye. Smudging away the grime covering the glass, she gasped. The image of a girl with mischievous eyes and curling hair looked back at her. Most intriguingly, her mouth was poised to speak. Seized with curiosity to know what the photo-girl was going to say, the girl had carefully peeled the frail paper from its frame and turned it over. Jotted in fading ink across the back was a single word. The girl assumed it must be a name, a novel concept to her. Since the Rationing, no one had bothered with names; after all, no one could speak them. Sounding out the word in a halting voice, she had read “So-phie.” Shock filled her as she realized she had spoken aloud. As the shudder faded, however, she had been aware of a tingling satisfaction, like something inside of her had been set free. Since that day, the girl’s thoughts had often returned to the attic, full of forgotten secrets. It took several years before her growing desire to learn more about the girl in the photograph overcame her fear of being caught meddling in the forbidden room and she returned to the attic.

Heart pounding and feet raising small poofs of dust from the musty carpet, she ascended the stairs and pushed open the trapdoor. Everything was as she left it, her footprints were lighter marks among the heavier virgin dust, and the photograph lay atop the dirty green trunk. This time, her curiosity surpassed her fear, so removing the photograph, the girl opened the chest to reveal a dress. Folded carefully, the bright yellow fabric still fresh and new, the dress looked strangely familiar. Yes, the dress in the trunk was the same as that worn by the photo-girl. The girl stared at the yellow dress, transfixed. She had never seen a fabric so bright. When the post-Rationing world retreated into their isolated sheaths of silence, they had left bright colors behind, choosing drab greys and browns instead. Staring at the dress, the girl had murmured, “Sophie’s dress.” Immediately, she had felt the same thrill as before, but this time came an idea as well. As she looked at the photograph and at the dress, she had known what she had to do.

So here she stands, clad in the yellow dress on the edge of the square filled with silent people. Squaring her shoulders and drawing a shaky breath, she whispers, “Hello?” That single word shatters to the earth like the first drop of a rainstorm. Bodies turn to gawk at the girl in vibrant yellow, their mouths open, and packages tumbling to the ground. Proceeding in a thin, faltering voice, the girl continues. “It’s a beautiful day out. I’m so glad the sun is shining.” Her audience remains frozen somewhere between horror and disbelief. “I’m…I’m sorry to shock you…I guess—I just thought, felt like words should be free…I—I’m sorry…” Flushing with shame she turns to flee, returning to her silent world when she feels a tug on her hand. A little boy has run out of the crowd. “Hello,” he whispers. Suddenly, another voice splits the air. Turning to his frail little wife, a wizened old man proclaims, “I love you,” in a voice cracking from disuse and emotion. The effect is contagious. One by one, people turn to each other, their words falling like raindrops, first uncertain and thin then ringing out as they shout their love and joy to the sky, no longer caring about how many words they have left but only about the words they say. Extravagant words unfurl like banners from the fear that has captured them to proclaim defiance of that which would limit the expression of humanity. In the midst of the ecstatic chaos, the girl pulls a notebook and pen from her dress and begins to record the events, these events, so that even when she can no longer speak, others will be able to read her words, the words of the girl in the yellow dress—Sophie’s words.



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This article has 6 comments.


on Dec. 4 2010 at 10:47 am

woops well if it's "shatters to the earth" then that really does work

I misread things like that a lot actually lol

but hey I'm glad this stuff helped, especially since you're a published teeninker aren't you? (lucky duck)haha makes me feel better about my un-published self.

Glad I could help!


on Dec. 1 2010 at 11:36 pm
Phoenix97 PLATINUM, Minneapolis, Minnesota
29 articles 4 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
See lyrics to "Let the Waters Rise" by MIKESCHAIR and "Everything" by Lifehouse

AvengedJasonFold: Thank you a million times over! Your feedback has been incredibly helpful and I am eternally thankful. :) Thank you especially for the stylistic feedback, such as the comment on the potential for alliteration. You were spot on everything but one: the analogy at the end. The raindrop doesn't shatter the earth, it shatters *to* the earth. ;) However, it is still an excellent point and I'm thinking two analogies are better than one. Thanks a million! :D

on Dec. 1 2010 at 5:18 pm

SIMON COWELL FEEDBACK—YOU ASKED FOR IT!!

silence had gradually settled over the city like a smothering blanket of dust, suffocating art, culture, even society.

(Take out “art” at the very least because that has to do with culture. )

Communication gradually fell into disuse.

No no no “disuse” is not the right word. Your diction is incredible in this piece—don’t let not knowing how to use a word properly mess you up. Most words that you use in this piece are used well though. This seems to be a rare case where you got mixed up.

“Since then the girl…”

Is lapsed the best word to use here? Maybe try “sank” or an s-word for alliteration affect here. An analyst would look at the alliteration and the sssss would be like sinking into something acidic—like the corrosive silence. Just an idea to play with.

“Most intriguingly, her mouth was poised to speak.”

Take out “most intriguingly” and then combine this with the next sentence for fluency. In general I think this piece has good fluency, but this case may show that you might need work on combining sentences and fluency in general and maybe you want to consider that as being a habit you want to work on, something new to play with, etc. Or it may be just one example. Either way, I wouldn’t stress over it. You can definitely be satisfied with the writing mechanics of this piece as is. I’m a perfectionist with my own work and I’ll go crazy over little things like that.

“Shock filled her as she realized she had spoken aloud” PASSIVE TENSE!!!!

There are some instances when you use the passive tense well in this piece, but shock isn’t like a material thing that you can fill someone with. Either find another verb for “fill” or more preferably convey the same meaning with a completely different structure. It could be as simple as “her heart skipped a beat when she realized she had spoken.”

“she ascended the stairs”

Please, this isn’t a police report. How did she ascent the stairs? The connotation of ascend is… really boring. Factual. Try to find a good verb to replace it without an adverb. Something like scurried or bounded etc.

“virgin dust”

I like the creativity here but I’m not sure if that’s the right word to use. Maybe sleeping dust or comfortable dust or undisturbed dust. Virginity in this sense may imply things that you’re not trying to convey.

“That single word shatters to the earth like the first drop of a rainstorm.”

How does the drop of a rainstorm shatter the Earth??? Maybe it shatters the disparity of a starving Ethiopian village but not the entire planet. However, I do like “shatters the earth” so just make a better analogy. Then again I see that her breaking the cycle sets of a chain reaction and her breaking the cycle is like a drop of the rainstorm. So basically you should have 2 separate analogies and you’re gold.

So with all that praise and criticism I guess you’re wondering if I liked the story. Yes I did. Not my favorite because of the genre but I do think that other people would appreciate it much more than I did. What I liked most about this story was how it was written. You’re a really good writer and being able to appreciate someone else’s unpublished work who is also my age is very refreshing.

Story wise the things I didn’t like are just personal tastes-like preferring the color blue over green so don’t worry about that.

Hope you found this review helpful

 

 


on Nov. 11 2010 at 6:27 pm
Phoenix97 PLATINUM, Minneapolis, Minnesota
29 articles 4 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
See lyrics to "Let the Waters Rise" by MIKESCHAIR and "Everything" by Lifehouse

When Sophie began speaking, she reminded them of the communication they had lost, I guess. People never really lose the desire to communicate; we can only suppress it, so to hear Sophie's words would inspire them to let loose and live in the moment, or to use their words while they could.

on Nov. 10 2010 at 5:51 pm
Healing_Angel SILVER, Sydney, Other
8 articles 2 photos 513 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live for today, not for tomorrow

This is amazingly original and well written. I'm confused about how everyone could speak so quickly. Why? What made them suddenly realize they could talk?

on Oct. 25 2010 at 9:22 am
elfen_girl BRONZE, Wilmslow, Other
3 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
K.I.S.S - Keep it simple stupid

wow

i loved it, its inspiring and simple at the same time. its totally original and descriptive and pervaies real problems of ex-communication. i loved your main character the most though her personality was just what was needed in your story, her fearlessness is amazing, i hope you plan to write more stories like this, if u do please let me know



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