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Go Ahead & Explode part. 2
Nothing at all seems to change. Weeks go by and J.D is still on the same schedule. He begins to feel like an insignificant speck of dust, simply floating in the air, drifting to no particular place. Maybe he is slowly loosing himself.
The day before the world explodes; Thomas asked a strange question, “Do you release yourself, you know sexually?”
J.D almost fell over from shock. “Excuse me?!”
The pair are in the largest stall of one of the downstairs bathroom stalls. Since elementary school—along with Marie—they’ve eaten in that same stall at lunch.
“It’s not a bad thing, J.D. Everyone does it.” Thomas nonchalantly stated.
“I-I I know,” J.D huffed, still wrapping his brain around that Thomas really did ask that. He blinks, “It’s just, no one has ever asked me that before.”
“What do you release yourself to?”
“Oh jeeze, hold on,” J.D groaned, grimacing and shaking his head. Nothing but embarrassed, J.D told his friend, “I’m not going to discuss this with you. What is with you all of a sudden?”
Thomas shrugged and stood. There’s sadness in his eyes, glazed over in this deep thought. It worries J.D. Then in a sudden flash, Thomas’s frown disappears into a burst of enthusiasm. “Nothing! I just wanted to fill in the time before I went and got out lunches.”
“Okay…” J.D said awkwardly, not knowing what to actually say. If only he understood what had just happened.
So his friend left J.D alone like every day in the same quite bathroom. Before, he and Marie would’ve gone snooping around all the stall’s walls and would read all the not so private dairies people have written here.
It never seemed to disappoint Marie and her fetish toward the thoughts and feeling of other people. She would always study how people felt and what they thought… She used to tell him that he should gain that quality from her, if anything else.
Slowly, his eyes swept over the writing about drama and events from where the anonymous people just wrote yesterday… and then, from behind the toilet, J.D noticed a piece of notebook paper taped there.
With his curiosity tickled, he took the note and opened it, the wrinkling sounds of the paper echoed throughout this small place. On the bottom of the page, it read:
Instantly his head is blended with buzzing and confusion. What should he be feeling? A part of him is stunned to see that it’s hers, afraid of what’s actually written, though still happy it is hers, while angry she wrote this instead of spoke it and miserable he can’t escape the obvious fact that this is just a letter and she is still very gone.
Now growing anxious, he found his breathe to shorten as he read:
“Hello… I hope one of my guys is reading this, or if you’re not, well whoever you are, I hope you can take this to heart. Since you are reading this, I’ve passed. I’m free… please let me explain myself. For a while and at this moment I’m told of how much of a looser I am, a freak and an idiot on a daily basis, at the same time of everyday. And I put up with it. I willingly face it, because that’s what I’ve been taught, that I can’t escape the schedule. But it’s not like I didn’t try. I approached the guidance counselor and explained everything to her, but she told me something like bullying could never happen. It was simply too outrageous and doesn’t happen to everyone… She said I only wanted attention. I felt like that woman chained me down, I spent weeks feeling more and more pull down under the earth. I might have well already been in a coffin… I feel, when I do this, when I pass, I’ll finally be free. I’ll be able to go where I want, when I want and smile for the first time. Please forgive me, my friends. I love you all and I pray that you will find happiness, because I lost it.”
It ended with “From Marie.”
J.D didn’t realize it but he’s shaking and he’s crying. Unable to hold onto his control, he drops the paper and bursting with all he’s kept inside, he wailed, his voice echoing out like a megaphone “Why?! Why didn’t you tell me?!” These tears turn hot as he grows angry. “Marie… Marie,” He lashed out, almost like she’s there “If you’re going to be afraid of something, be afraid of something that can’t be fixed, you evil little, drama queen! I would’ve helped you!”
He couldn’t help but loose it there. Sobbing, he drops to his knees and silently whispers out his guilt “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”
The bathroom door creeks open and perks J.D up. He grabs the note and Thomas speaks, “Hey J.D, I found Christopher on the way over with nothing to do, so I was wondering-”
J.D stops him on the word, opening the stall and crashes into him. Before blabbering, he does take note that Christopher is the new guy with the broad shoulders “Uh, yeah Thomas eat with him.” He words are quivering and slipping through his teeth, “I, um, actually have to do something. I apologize.”
Quickly, J.D rushes out of the bathroom and the two are left in shock. Feeling awkward, Christopher asks, “Is he always like that?”
“No actually…” Thomas mumbles, unable to decipher his curiosity and his worry from each other.
Even though he did leave the bathroom, which is something he’s never done at lunch time. He couldn’t bring himself to leave school altogether. While he did stay, he was only a blur. His mind was only on Marie and his own actions. Before the day ended, a thought crossed his mind, “So people can step out of line…”