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Watching

She stares out the window. Outside, it is cold and misty, with nothing moving in the bare trees lining the drive. The sky is low with gray, oppressing clouds that block out the sun. The world outside is a muffled, frigid, foggy place.

Behind the girl, a cheery fire crackles warmly in its hearth. Fluffy blankets are piled on the thick carpet in front of it, looking as if they'd been dumped off cold shoulders. A novel lies forgotten on the floor, and a mug of half-drank, cooled hot chocolate sits on a mahogany end table.

The girl is oblivious to the cozy room behind her as she sits on the chilly windowseat. Frost paints patterns on the corner of the glass pane, and her breath is visible in vague white puffs. Her feet are bare, and subtle shudders are beginning to shake her body.

And she still stares out at the mist.



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This article has 8 comments. Post your own!

AvengedJasonFold said...
Sept. 22, 2010 at 6:16 pm:

simon cowell feedback--you asked for it!

Alright so first question has to be "is that all?"

Looks like you were off to a good start but I mean, where's this going? There's no point to it unless I'm really missing something. Yeah we can tear this thing apart about the adverbs and a couple description issues that could be improved but let's face it, the introduction was good in spite of all the improvable mechanics. Fix the mechanics and one would die of sheer appreciation ... (more »)

 
Day-Dreamer17 replied...
Sept. 22, 2010 at 7:40 pm :
Oh, thank goodness!!! No offense to the other peeps, but when I want feedback, I mean feedback, and not, "Oh, that's so great, don't change anything!" It's sometimes annoying. So, overdid description? I can change that. Thanks for the actual feedback! (you other people out there aren't getting snubbed, you're feedback is cool, too.) ;)
 
AvengedJasonFold replied...
Sept. 22, 2010 at 7:48 pm :
your welcome! I'm a firm believer in actual/honest feedback. that's why I keep leaving social networking sites for writers lmao
 
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blackmist said...
Sept. 22, 2010 at 5:05 pm:
Great imagery!
 
Day-Dreamer17 replied...
Sept. 22, 2010 at 7:36 pm :
Thanks!!! ;)
 
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mommybear said...
Sept. 21, 2010 at 3:53 pm:
All I can say is WOW!
 
Healing_Angel This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Oct. 7, 2010 at 6:20 pm :
I like this! It's very descriptive! You should continue this. I want to know what happens. It ends abruptly, but it's good.
 
Day-Dreamer17 replied...
Oct. 7, 2010 at 6:25 pm :
Thanks! I plan on continuing it. :)
 
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