Watching

September 19, 2010
By PussnBoots GOLD, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
PussnBoots GOLD, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
12 articles 0 photos 138 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When life hands you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it." -Unknown
"The world is my pineapple. I just have to figure out a way past the prickly parts." -Me


She stares out the window. Outside, it is cold and misty, with nothing moving in the bare trees lining the drive. The sky is low with gray, oppressing clouds that block out the sun. The world outside is a muffled, frigid, foggy place.

Behind the girl, a cheery fire crackles warmly in its hearth. Fluffy blankets are piled on the thick carpet in front of it, looking as if they'd been dumped off cold shoulders. A novel lies forgotten on the floor, and a mug of half-drank, cooled hot chocolate sits on a mahogany end table.

The girl is oblivious to the cozy room behind her as she sits on the chilly windowseat. Frost paints patterns on the corner of the glass pane, and her breath is visible in vague white puffs. Her feet are bare, and subtle shudders are beginning to shake her body.

And she still stares out at the mist.


The author's comments:
This is a part of the Anomymous series. Hope you like it. ;)

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This article has 8 comments.


on Oct. 7 2010 at 6:25 pm
PussnBoots GOLD, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
12 articles 0 photos 138 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When life hands you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it." -Unknown
"The world is my pineapple. I just have to figure out a way past the prickly parts." -Me

Thanks! I plan on continuing it. :)

on Oct. 7 2010 at 6:20 pm
Healing_Angel SILVER, Sydney, Other
8 articles 2 photos 513 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live for today, not for tomorrow

I like this! It's very descriptive! You should continue this. I want to know what happens. It ends abruptly, but it's good.

on Sep. 22 2010 at 7:48 pm
your welcome! I'm a firm believer in actual/honest feedback. that's why I keep leaving social networking sites for writers lmao

on Sep. 22 2010 at 7:40 pm
PussnBoots GOLD, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
12 articles 0 photos 138 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When life hands you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it." -Unknown
"The world is my pineapple. I just have to figure out a way past the prickly parts." -Me

Oh, thank goodness!!! No offense to the other peeps, but when I want feedback, I mean feedback, and not, "Oh, that's so great, don't change anything!" It's sometimes annoying. So, overdid description? I can change that. Thanks for the actual feedback! (you other people out there aren't getting snubbed, you're feedback is cool, too.) ;)

on Sep. 22 2010 at 7:36 pm
PussnBoots GOLD, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
12 articles 0 photos 138 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When life hands you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it." -Unknown
"The world is my pineapple. I just have to figure out a way past the prickly parts." -Me

Thanks!!! ;)

on Sep. 22 2010 at 6:16 pm

simon cowell feedback--you asked for it!

Alright so first question has to be "is that all?"

Looks like you were off to a good start but I mean, where's this going? There's no point to it unless I'm really missing something. Yeah we can tear this thing apart about the adverbs and a couple description issues that could be improved but let's face it, the introduction was good in spite of all the improvable mechanics. Fix the mechanics and one would die of sheer appreciation reading this. No really they would--and then it wouldn't matter that there's nothing else to read. They'd die from the intro.

So the writing mechanics I'm talking about. I'll point them all out. First one is something I don't really know about--prepositional verbs or phrases or something "it is cold and misty" includes the prepositional (I'm not even sure if thats the right word) verb "it is"

I've been taught recently in AP english to stay away from "it is" "there is" and stuff like that like you would adverbs and the passive tense. I don't know if it works as a rule with creative writing, but I do know that you could replace "it is" with a stronger verb and that would make the sentence better.

Same goes for adverbs like "warmly" I mean hel just delete that one altogether because the other words describing the fire work.

That said you use a lot of descriptions--perhaps too many. "The world outside is a muffled, frigid, foggy place" is a perfect example. Just say the world outside is muffled to convey the same meaning because you already said "cold and misty"In fact, I would just say "cold and misty and muffled"

Replace "the girl" with "her" because you used the pronoun "she" earlier--you want to be consistent.

"A novel lies forgotten on the floor," GOOD! that's a perfect description right there. I would change the rest of the sentence to something like "...floor, a mug of hot chocolate on the mahogany table now cold and stagnant."

Is she sitting on a windowseat or windowsill? I dont know how they make windows in your area, but on the east coast we don't have windowseats.

Here's how I'd perfect the one description--which was good but could be better:

"Fross paints patterns on the corner of the window pane, caressed by vague white puffs of breath."

Also "Her feet are bare... body."

Ugh you ended up using passive tense... ah well it happens. I don't know what to do with that sentence, and maybe the passive tense works there. I don't know but play with it and see if you can make it better.

Final sentence--make it more chilling. Yes the idea is chilling but how can you make the sentence chilling? You the author and master of the chilling piece must decide.

 

 

 


on Sep. 22 2010 at 5:05 pm
blackmist BRONZE, Houston, Texas
1 article 0 photos 40 comments
Great imagery!

mommybear said...
on Sep. 21 2010 at 3:53 pm
All I can say is WOW!


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