Sometimes when I’m trapped inside myself, the times when I’m so indecently lost within myself, I don’t know how to think and what to say. I encase myself so far into my mind, I dive into the knowledge every incompetent infant is born with: eating, breathing, and sleeping. Communication is foreign in those moments, minutes, even hours. The snapping of fingers in front of my eyes would do me no good; I wouldn’t even tilt my head and stare like a toddler might. I’d be an infant, surrounded by too much in this large world of ours and not noticing the world around me really exists. Some people might say I don’t feel like myself when I’m in this place; this is true, but also very false. I don’t feel like myself, that is surely true, but I don’t feel like anyone else for that matter, I feel like nothing at all. I don’t feel. Sitting, staring, not seeing, deep in non-thought, not reacting, not feeling, breathing, silent, lost, enveloped and sealed tightly within myself is that moment. Slowly coming back to reality, but stuck in a limbo, I can start to recollect people talking, caring, and alarming me to come back to reality, “Leilani. Leilani. Hey! Are you okay?” No, I’m trapped. Get me the hell out of here, if you can. Fog clearing, I shake myself out of it, “Yeah. Yeah. Sorry,” but it’s too late, people are staring like they are genuinely worried about me. Great. “What was going on? Stop thinking about negative things! Come on, stay with us. You’re too quiet.” Lovely; the fog’s floating back, everything…is…getting…. Gone. Am I seriously this screwed up? The infamous Leilani, who never shuts her dang mouth, who reels on and on explaining a story that could have been compressed into a minute or less, who could strike a conversation with an absolute stranger for hours, is trapped within the very simplistic places of her mind for moments. Moments in my life I will never get back. Surely there is an answer to this problem, a cure, a remedy, a treatment, for the love of God, there must be something. Again we go. Clearing faster than normal this time around, “Jesus, Leilani! What the hell is going on in there? Are you on drugs? You’re freaking us out. We don’t know what to think, what to say!” and even my friends are lost within me.
July 23, 2010