June 22, 2010
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Dreams fall from my ceiling, I try to catch them but they just slip through my fingers. I take deep breaths to breath them in, but they steady fall ignoring my efforts. suddenly the door slams shut. I feel trapped, alone in an unknown room with my dreams. They seem to haunt me but I have no proof. I am stuck. I lay on my bed gasping for air. I run to the window seeing if it will have mercy on me and will budge. It doesnt. I am stuck. The dreams continue to fall, but now they whisper to me. Making fun. Saying what I have created is now my taunte, they tease me. "You`ll never get me one whispers". I break down and cry. My heart begins to thump so hard I think it will break my chest. it does my chest begins to open. right in the middle of my heart lies a key. Could it be that the secret to get my dream was inside of me?

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Healing_Angel said...
Jul. 18, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Very interesting. I like it. You should continue.
SoftlyRose replied...
Jul. 19, 2010 at 8:46 pm

It is an interesting idea, bt you could make some changes to improve it.

Most readers don't like to read a story in one paragraph, no matter how short it is. There were several points where you could have made a break, most notably when the tone switched from embracing the dream to fearing it.

Altering the formatting could also give your repetition of the phrase 'I am stuck' greater impact. At the moment it seems closer to redundancy than a rhetorical device.

Also there w... (more »)

SoftlyRose replied...
Jul. 19, 2010 at 8:49 pm
Sorry about the double comment. I'm not quite sure why that appeared.
glamdesi replied...
Jul. 19, 2010 at 10:08 pm
It`s ok, thnx 4 reading my poem. LOL that double comment thing is funny I actually read the whole thing twice I didn't ketch it until you mentioned it
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