Sir Nicholas of the Knights of the Three Jonas

May 27, 2010
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In a time when honor was an honorable thing
When men respected their mothers and wore purity rings
In a time when talent and bravery made a man stand out
There were three brothers, who without a doubt
Had all these qualities and captured girls’ hearts
And this is where our epic starts…
Milanta the temptress had not always been evil
She had once been the maiden of Sir Nicholas’ retrieval.
Until one day her true qualities made themselves known
And love-struck Sir Nicholas was finally shown
That he needed a modest girl to save him from his shame,
One who would not embarrass his family name.
For Sirs Kevin, Joseph, and Nicholas were the best of the best
In all of Hollywood where they had made their nest.
They were the Knights of the Three Jonas and everyone knew who they were.
All of the Hollywood bloggers had conquered
They were to be respected and loved for their nobility and gentility
And all of that accounted for their desirability.
They serenaded women with their voices and guitars
It was no surprise that they were super stars.
They received letters from all sorts of maidens from all over the land
The passion of their fans was a bit out of hand.
There was one letter that stood out among the valentines and proposals
Unlike the others it was not theirs for disposal.
It was not addressed to Sir Nicholas or any other brother
It was addressed to a Lady Jonas, their beautiful mother.
This one is different, Nicholas thought to himself.
This is my dream girl made perfectly for myself.
Although I’m sure she will have a price
I know I will finally find my paradise
When she looks me in the eyes;
So to win her heart I must improvise.
So Sir Nicholas set out to find this maiden, Alexandra;
With excitement he let out a righteous “Huzzah!”
But Milanta had heard of this wench from Upstate,
She beat Sir Nicholas to her; she was so full of hate.
She hid her away in her notorious lair.
In the hopes that brave Nicholas soon would be there.
But you see, Milanta was never a maiden at all,
She had thrown Sir Nicholas and the public a nasty curve ball
She was a fire-breathing dragon who reeked of animosity
Who let out a roar that was full of ferocity.
When Sir Nicholas had finally reached Alexandra’s bed
He found that she was missing and he was consumed with dread.
She must have been taken; he concluded with hate
It was an envious-scheming creature who had stolen her as bait.
So he gathered his brothers and told them his plan
But he had no support from the rest of his clan
They told him Milanta was pure evil, dangerous, and would eat him alive.
But Nicholas would not give up easily, he had to try.

“Brothers, enough. Have you forgotten what we stand for?
Evil’s among us and cannot be ignored.
I am what I am, I cannot help myself.
And if you don’t like it tour with somebody else
I’ll never change my ways
It’s not a phase!”
With that, Nicholas mounted his trusty steed
And began the long journey to Hollywood to complete his daring deed.

Upon entering Milanta’s cave, it made Sir Nicholas recall
Why he left her two years ago last fall.
Her dingy cave smelled of Chanel perfume and underage drinking.
What on earth could he have possibly been thinking?
She had pictures of herself kissing boys, kissing girls.
Pictures where she was wearing nothing but her long curls.
All of a sudden, he felt two cold hands on his neck,
He knew who it was; there was no need to check.
He turned around to his horror to Milanta in her temptress form.
He felt his face begin to get warm.
He drew his sword and brought it to her head
He would not give up until she bled.
In a vengeful growl he asked where his Lady Love was.
Milanta laughed as she told him because,
“Do you not recall the seven things I hate about you?
I even wrote you a song, all of it true!
You’re vain,
You play games,
You’re insecure.
You love me, but you like her.
You made me laugh and you made me cry,
And I never knew which side to buy.
But now everything’s fine
Because what’s yours is now mine!”
Nicholas took a swing at her laughing head
He was not scared, he felt no dread.
She became nine feet of fire breathing dragon, scaly and crude
She opened her mouth and bright flames she spewed.
They went back and forth until Nicholas’ sword began to melt
But his spirit did not. He raised his head and began to belt,
“I’m slipping into the lava,
But I’m trying to keep from going under!
She may have turned the temperature hotter,
I’m burning up for you,
And I will not stop until you are rescued!”
With that he jumped sixteen feet in the air
Accompanied by Milanta and her foul swear
He took a large metal pipe from the ceiling.
He beat the dragon until he sent her reeling.
He used his sword to pierce Milanta’s throat.
Even as she died she continued to gloat.
For before Sir Nicholas knew it he was flat on his back in the grime,
Milanta had taken her last breaths and summoned her evil powers one last time.

Alexandra heard the screams and then the silence
She knew the capability of Milanta’s violence.
She crept from her room to see if her brave knight was dead
She prayed he was alive, it was he she wanted to wed.
She summoned her courage and made her way
Until she saw her true love lying unconscious as Milanta’s poor prey.
She ran over and put his head in her lap
She prayed that this was a harmless nap
She held him close as he peacefully slept
She stroked his beautiful black curls as she wept.
She was overcome with guilt and fret.
But, alas, brave Nicholas was not dead…yet.
Milanta knew his weakness was his type one diabetes and so
She had sent him into diabetic shock, his insulin too low.
So Alexandra gave him the sweetest thing she possessed,
A kiss of true love, to her true love at rest.
With that he arose, as if he had simply been asleep
And he picked Alexandra up and swept her off her feet.
They fled and they wed, and finally were married.
And one year later, it was a baby she carried.
Love triumphs all and chivalry is not dead,
That is the end, and that’s all to be said.





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