Stars Guide Me- Chapter One (revised and edited)

May 23, 2010
By EllieK. BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
EllieK. BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
4 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Not all who wander are lost"
JRR Tolkien

"Sometimes life sucks, so suck it up"

""We succeeded in taking that picture (from deep space), and if you look a it, you see a dot. Thats here. That's home. Thats us. On it, everyone you ever heard of

Flashes, images, memories of years ago flood my mind. Me, a young girl, running, a battle, screaming, people fleeing the city, a giant monstrosity of a cruel army, someone sits me on a horse and off I go, speeding across the land, never to return. The horse ran me away to Areteaesia, exactly how far I’m not quite sure. There I have lived all my life. An outsider in this oddly different world. It’s pleasant, but not the same as my memories of what was my home, I presume.

Chapter One-Attack on Areteaesia
I’m sixteen and my name is Calathiel. I am an elf. Other than that I know nothing: not where I was born nor whether my parents are still alive or who they are. I have stayed my whole life in the trading port of Aretaesia, a relatively small coastal city. It is a rather pleasant life, I help out my Aunt Jade in her jewelry store. We switch off shifts, making jewelry, filling orders for new materials, and running various errands. Somewhere, though, at the back of my mind there is always an urge to leave this life behind. To go explore and try and find myself. Find who I truly am, not just guesses of what I was. Some would say I don’t exactly fit in with the humans. I never connected fully to this life, never made any real friends. I was perfectly content in my own little world, to never reach out or extend any offers of friendship. I was alone.

On a chilled fall night I was walking to Gwenyth, the herbalist’s shop, as we were running low on basil and chives. I pulled my head up from looking at the purely riveting, never changing ground beneath my feet and looked up trying to estimate the distance 'till the shop. I could already see it, about twenty paces away. I'd apparently walked much faster than normal.

Ring. The crystal clear sound of a bell welcomed me once again. I stepped into the warm air of the shop. It smelt like sweet cinnamon and the distinct scent of mint, like always. I loved being at Gwenyth's, it felt like a second home to me. "Hello, Gwenyth," I chirped.

"And what would one be looking for today, Calathiel?

"Chives and basil too, please."

"No mint leaves today, dear?" she questioned, I knew I had forgotten something.

"Well, why not. They are my favorite, as you well know," I smiled.

She handed me a parcel containing my various herbs that I had wanted. As I was just about to step out the door, she called me back. "Be careful, now. Our king is not in power any more. An evil is sending rampages on all the big cities and coastal ports. He wants to control the trade routes."

I had little reason to believe this was true. There had been rumors about evil being afoot in our monarchy for almost as long as I could remember. There had been at least one story or more in our town for each of my fourteen years living here.

“You’ve got to be joking, that can’t be true. Why would our own king do that to the people of Aretaesia? And anyway, things like this are always always going around. I'll do myself a favor and not get fooled again,” I said gently.

“I don’t have a clue why he would. It's not him anymore. Something dark is moving in, grabbing hold, taking over,” said Gwenyth, “I got this from a trusted source that has given me much accurate information on our government through the years. It would be wise to believe this time, dear. Oh, here is the mint leaves you requested, I almost forgot. Have a good night, and do be careful. I wouldn't be able to stand it if anything happened to you”

“I thank you, Gwenyth and same to you.” As I stepped out into the now dark night the fresh fall air blew my wavy auburn hair into my face. I stood there reflecting on what she had just said. I shivered and wasn't quite sure whether it was from the cold or the eerie idea that had just been brought to my attention. I sighed. My legs were tired and I had to now make the somewhat lengthy walk from Gwenyth’s herb shop on the far edge of our town back to my house, in the middle of the town. I trudged along even slower than on the way there. Just as I was approaching mid town, I was enveloped in chaos. There was fighting everywhere on the streets. It was between the soldiers of the king and our people. Maybe Gwenyth had been right.

At first, I walked through in a stunned daze, trying to avoid being hit by any stray swords, then I drew my own weapon out as I was in too far to avoid every hit thrown in my direction. I threw myself into the thicket of it, figuring it was the best way to not get killed. It was the most turmoil I had ever seen our tone in. I quickly sidestepped out of the reach of a soldiers sword, barely missing being hit.

Just my luck, he turned at that exact moment and was in perfect range, I stabbed his side, right between the ribs. He gasped and fell to the ground, blood soaking where he lay. He was bleeding, dying. I had just made my first kill. I was in shock at what I had just done. I gazed down at the soldier who was now guaranteed a sure death all because of me. I glanced once more at the pain on his face and started running. I was running out of fear of the battle and of what I had just done. My heart felt black.

I’m a pretty swift runner so I was able to run through the bloody battlefield, trying not to look at people that I knew, fighting, some being slain. I reached my house and dashed in the back of the shop unseen. You could feel the panic level rising thick in the air even in our usually seamlessly calm household. My Aunt Jade was attempting to barricade the front entrance.

“What is honestly going on here?” I asked, my voice in a panic and my face still pink from running.

“The king's army and now is invading,” Jade said quickly.

"So it was true," I marveled. Jade paid no attention to me and rushed on.

“Here, take this: some food, water, and other provisions. Take your bow and sword as well. You might have some need of them. Go, now. Run.”

“Where? Why? Will I ever see you again?” were my desperate and confused inquires.

“You must go west, to the near city of Gaelin. I will have someone trusted, an old friend, meet you there, you will be safe. Now, you must go immediately.”

“Aye. I shall do your bidding,” I said quietly, trying not to show my true emotions of anger, sadness, and confusion.

I was sent running away from the place that I had called home for the second time in my life. I saw some silent tears fall from my Aunt’s eyes while I was speeding away into the black night and felt some tears of my own fall down my pale white skin. The only spot of brightness in my now dark heart and world was that I might be getting my long awaited for adventure I was always dreaming.

The author's comments:
"Hmmmmm...what should I say. I never was good on the whole explanation stuff."

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This article has 39 comments.

on Jun. 27 2010 at 8:56 pm
taylorf463 GOLD, Marion, Kentucky
13 articles 0 photos 152 comments

Favorite Quote:
If he'll lie for you, he'll lie to you.

An ending was an ending. No matter how many pages of sentences and paragraphs of great stories let up to it, it would always had the last word.

This is good! I was a bit confused about the part when she stabbed someone. It was just so sudden and unexpected. And why/how she came upon all the fighting and how it was just so sudden. It really is good! I like it! :)

on Jun. 27 2010 at 1:19 am
cyanidesun BRONZE, Atascadero, California
1 article 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is the eye of ignorance that assigns a fixed and unchangeable color to every object; beware of this stumbling block. -Paul Gauguin

I absolutely love this genre, and your story looks like it has loads of potential. There were only a few things I would critique. Perhaps you should consider making the second paragraph the first instead. If you start off right away beating a reader over the head with pretext it can be somewhat of a turn-off. Also, remember to pace yourself; it's one of the hardest things to do in writing, but well worth it. If the events in your story all happen one after the other, like you're firing a machine gun, it makes the reader not only confused about what just happened but why it happened, not to mention it leaves no room for suspense. That is the LAST thing you want in an action scene. 

Other than that, please continue writing. I'm very interested in where the story will go and would definitely like to read more of it. :)

Anna E. said...
on Jun. 27 2010 at 12:30 am

Ahhh! This is really cool! Is it supposed to take place in midieval-ly times, or future-y times? Anyways, This is captivating, it really pulls you in.

 There were only a few little phrases that didn't make complete sense, and keep in mind, this is only a suggestion, but my advice is to make sure that your main character isn't always 100% super-strong/super-attractive/super-perfect. that way, the story eventually gets monotonous, and your audience is bored. Don't worry, though, You're not even near that problem at this point!

other than watching out for that, I think your story is gonna turn out to be really awesome. 

EllieK. BRONZE said...
on Jun. 26 2010 at 9:41 am
EllieK. BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
4 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Not all who wander are lost"
JRR Tolkien

"Sometimes life sucks, so suck it up"

""We succeeded in taking that picture (from deep space), and if you look a it, you see a dot. Thats here. That's home. Thats us. On it, everyone you ever heard of

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm glad you liked it better!

katie-cat GOLD said...
on Jun. 25 2010 at 7:40 pm
katie-cat GOLD, McClellandtown, Pennsylvania
13 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Look after my heart, I've left it with you."- Edward Cullen
"To love another person is to see the face of God . . ."- Les Miserables
"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her out and let her scream." - Mark Twain

It's better than the first one.  I like the battle scene, but I feel like every scene is just, boom, boom, boom- one thing right after the other.  It's all happening so fast, without any forewarning.  Not every scene needs to be filled with suspense.  Sometimes you need to slow things down and then build up.  It keeps the reader waiting for the big climax.   Now, I had a suggestion for Gwenyth.  Please, please, don't misunderstand me, I just thought of this as soon as I read it.  I'm not telling you to change what you've written, I don't want you to.  I just thought of this when she was telling Calathiel about the rampages.  I thought that Gwenyth should be some sort of phychic and she could go into a trance in front of Calathiel and that's how Calathiel find out about the battles.  That's just what I assumed for a second that Gwenyth was some sort of psychic.  That's just a suggestion.  Keep writing :)

on Jun. 25 2010 at 12:23 pm
alanacarlene DIAMOND, Mexia, Texas
55 articles 15 photos 592 comments

Favorite Quote:
Silence screams too honestly and loudly.
-Alex (aka GangstaEyes)
Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two equals four.
-Winston Smith '1984'
Don't go wishin' your life away...
-Daddy S2
"What a drag it was to be limited by reality."

This was really good I'm glad you asked me to read it! Thank you for commenting on some of my work by the way. The only bad thing about this is now I wanna know what happens to Calathiel next and I'm itching to find out! Haha so that's actually a good thing because it means I liked the story a LOT!

on Jun. 23 2010 at 7:47 pm
Just.A.Dream SILVER, Lake Geneva, Wisconsin
7 articles 0 photos 431 comments

Favorite Quote:
Part of the J7X team. :)

I like the plot of the story! I was just a little lost, at one moment he was just walking down the path and then all the sudden there were swords and stuff. Maybe try clearing that up a bit. But, I love how detailed the rest of the story was, keep it up!

on Jun. 21 2010 at 1:31 pm
Midnight_Hum SILVER, Hearne, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Firstly, thank you for reviewing my work.

I really like how descriptive you were in your story, and the way that the characters and places jumped out at me like I was viewing a painting.

I think that your beginning needs a little more work.  I believe that the first chapter is the most important part of a book, after reading the first chapter, many decide to skip the book all together (alternatively to read the entire thing).  Your beginning, while well written, is not exactly mind-snatching. Not that it has to be exciting, far from it, it just has to be interesting.

Overall, good writing.

Thanks again.

IvyVine GOLD said...
on Jun. 19 2010 at 1:24 pm
IvyVine GOLD, Unknown, Indiana
13 articles 1 photo 28 comments
 Wow this is very good! Few errors and great detail and description.

on Jun. 12 2010 at 8:30 pm
This was a very well written piece. I felt that there were very few errors and that Ellie showed us so much detail. There was a very nice flow about the piece and she had very nice vocabulary. I am glad that there is conflict immediately in the story, which makes a better plot in the end. Ellie puts alot of voice into the piece as if you can tell her sense of personality coming through as Calathiel. I feel that it might help to have a little more detail coming from the first fight scene you started. I think this is a very strong piece, yearning to become a story and that I cannot wait to read more!

on Jun. 12 2010 at 5:41 pm
Inherinerd GOLD, Ashland, Ohio
16 articles 9 photos 302 comments

Favorite Quote:
A word to the wise ain't nessecary it's the stupid ones that need the advise

Really catchy and original intro! well written and amazing!

on Jun. 12 2010 at 5:40 pm
hulagirl BRONZE, Haleiwa, Hawaii
2 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
" If you aren't winning you're losing, if you are losing try your hardest to win,"
-Mr. Rechs History Teacher, Basketball Coach

great hook, that i think is the most important part of a good beginning

We-R-3 BRONZE said...
on Jun. 8 2010 at 9:18 pm
We-R-3 BRONZE, Orlando, Florida
1 article 0 photos 344 comments

Favorite Quote:
A picture is worth a thousand words, however it takes a real artist to turn words into pictures.

Have you heard about the new Lebron Iphone, you have to set it on vibrate because it doesn't have any rings

There were a couple of awkward sentences but who am I to talk my Beta (part 1) story is getting slammed for confusing point of veiw. I love this it was not a boring prolouge lke how most prologues start I am reall really REALLY wanting more a lot more.

on Jun. 8 2010 at 9:00 am
AoifeTracey SILVER, Dublin, Other
6 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Dont bend facts to suit theories, rather theories to suit facts.' Unknown

Really Really Good! I van see why you edited it! hha. Please write more, like what happends after she runs away? Please take a look at my stuff, thanks, Aoifex

on Jun. 7 2010 at 5:20 pm

This is an awesome version! I felt like seeing what you had on here. This has improved a lot from the first one!

Great job!

on Jun. 7 2010 at 2:33 pm
TashaTyrantthnx GOLD, Avondale, Arizona
10 articles 0 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
~William Shakespeare, Mid-Summer Night's Dream, 1595

I liked this piece a lot. The only bad thing is that I want more! Hopefully you will continue with this story, good job. By the way do you mind reading my thriller, Willow's Edge? Rate and comment, thanks.

on Jun. 6 2010 at 10:00 pm
roxymutt BRONZE, Marietta, Georgia
4 articles 5 photos 110 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. -David Henry Thoreau

I agree with Jynxx, there are a few sentences that need adjusting but overall i like the ideas a lot! let me know when there's more

EllieK. BRONZE said...
on Jun. 6 2010 at 7:03 pm
EllieK. BRONZE, Wilmette, Illinois
4 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Not all who wander are lost"
JRR Tolkien

"Sometimes life sucks, so suck it up"

""We succeeded in taking that picture (from deep space), and if you look a it, you see a dot. Thats here. That's home. Thats us. On it, everyone you ever heard of

Thanks! I love writing it and can't wait to post the rest. Yeah. Guess I didn't get quite all the sentences perfect in editing. Oh well, what can ya do?

on Jun. 6 2010 at 6:59 pm
...PensiveGurl... PLATINUM, Aurora, Colorado
20 articles 0 photos 268 comments

Favorite Quote:
You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we're doing it- Neil Gaiman.
Who are you to be who you are?-Le'Na Pernell

there were only a couple of awkward sentences, but overall, it was a really interesting story! I look forward to the next parts!!!


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