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Prologue
Flashes, images, memories of years ago flood my mind. Me, a young girl, running, a battle, screaming, people fleeing the city, a giant monstrosity of a cruel army, someone sits me on a horse and off I go, speeding across the land, never to return. The horse ran me away to Areteaesia, exactly how far I’m not quite sure. There I have lived all my life. An outsider in this oddly different world. It’s pleasant, but not the same as my memories of what was my home, I presume. Our family there was very high-up and relatives to the king. My life working in a jewelry shop was much simpler and in a way I quite enjoyed it.


Chapter One-Attack on Areteaesia
I’m sixteen and my name is Calathiel. I am a woodland elf. Other than that I know nothing: not where I was born nor whether my parents were still alive. I have stayed my whole life in the trading port of Aretaesia, a relatively small coastal city. It is a rather pleasant life, I help out my Aunt Jade in her jewelry store. I do long to be back with my people though. I felt much more at ease there. Some would say I don’t exactly fit in with the humans. I was walking to Gwenyth, the herbalist’s shop, when I saw something slightly strange. There were boatfuls of the kings soldiers being imported into our city. I thought nothing of at the time, because there were usually some just patrolling borders and the like. I stepped into the warm air of the shop. It smelt like sweet cinnamon and the subtle scent of mint, like always. When I had told her what I wanted today, we began to talk. Gwenyth said that she had heard that our king had been usurped and that the evil was sending rampages on all the big cities and the coastal ports to gain control of the trade routes.

“You’ve got to be lying, that can’t be true. Why would our own king do this to the people of Aretaesia?”

“I don’t have a clue,” said Gwenyth, “but I got it from a trusted source. Here are the herbs you requested miss. Have a good night, and be careful.”

“I thank you, Gwenyth and same to you.” As I stepped out into the now dark night the fresh fall air blew my wavy auburn hair into my face. I sighed. My legs were tired and I had to now make the somewhat lengthy walk from Gwenyth’s herb shop on the far edge of our town back to my house, in the middle of the town. Just as I was approaching mid town, I was enveloped in chaos. There was fighting everywhere on the streets. It was between the soldiers of the king and our people. At first, I walked through, trying to avoid being hit by any stray swords, then broke into a run, trying to make it home. I’m a pretty swift runner so I was able to run through the bloody battlefield, trying not to look at people that I knew, fighting, some being slain. I reached my house and dashed in the back of the shop unseen. You could feel the panic level rising thick in the air even in our usually seamlessly calm household. My Aunt Jade was attempting to barricade the front entrance.

“What is going on here?” I asked, my voice in a panic and my face still pink from running.

“The king was overtaken by an evil force and now he is invading,” Jade said quickly. “Here, take this: some food, water, and other provisions. Take your bow and sword as well. You might have some need of them. Go, now. Run.”

“Where? Why? Will I ever see you again?” were my desperate and confused inquires.

“You must go west, to the near city of Gaelin. I will have someone trusted, an old friend, meet you there, you will be safe. Now, you must go immediately.”

“Aye. I shall do your bidding,” I said

I was sent running away from the place that I had called home for the second time in my life. I saw some silent tears fall from my Aunt’s eyes while I was speeding away into the black night and felt some tears of my own fall down my pale white skin.




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This article has 17 comments. Post your own!

lol101 said...
Jul. 21, 2010 at 1:36 pm:
this was really intresting. you have a very unique and creative imagintaion. I usually don't like fantasy or sci-fi writing so i wasn't too intrested on the story, but the actual writing was fabulous. Excellent details and perfect dialouge. It flowed very nicely. Deffinily keep writing :)
 
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EllieK. said...
Jul. 11, 2010 at 11:53 am:
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS VERSION. GO BACK TO MY PROFILE AND READ THE EDITED VERSION. THANK YOU FOR COMPLYING WITH MY REQUEST.
 
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gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 4, 2010 at 5:36 pm:
This was excellent, very well-written and interesting, great plot-line, and nice descriptions.  Excellent job.:D
 
PieGirl replied...
Jul. 11, 2010 at 11:24 am :
wow this was pretty good, nice idea too! i liked it. descriptive too
 
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AvengedJasonFold said...
Jul. 2, 2010 at 11:14 pm:

simon cowell feedback--you asked for it!

Overall I’d say this story says a lot about you as a writer. It shows your interest in fantasy, it shows that you are intelligent, and it shows that you are a pretty good writer. But this piece looks very much like a rough draft by a good writer who didn’t look at it very carefully. Either that or it shows someone who is becoming a good writer and experimenting with different techniques but nonetheless on the right path, but still ha... (more »)

 
AvengedJasonFold replied...
Jul. 2, 2010 at 11:14 pm :

I like the way you introduced the piece… sorta. The parallel structure was overdone. I’d change the first sentence to something as simple as “I remember…” and then merge it with the other one. Other than that it kind of works. Short and sweet, nice little introduction and a decent hook.

You use the word “pleasant” too much. You’re always saying “it was pleasant. This was pleasant. That life was pleasant” mix it up a little w... (more »)

 
EllieK. replied...
Jul. 3, 2010 at 6:52 am :
THANK YOU FOR THE COMMENTS. I WOULD HAVE RATHER HAD YOU READ THE OTHER VERSION OF THIS, BUT, HEY, IT'S MY FAULT FOR NOT SPECIFYING.
 
AvengedJasonFold replied...
Jul. 3, 2010 at 7:51 pm :
YOUR WELCOME. I HOPE THE COMMENTS HELP YOU IN SOME WAY WITH THE OTHER VERSION TOO.
 
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AQuietPerson said...
Jun. 30, 2010 at 7:56 pm:
I agree tenses are confusing. This was very interesting. I didn't see any major problems in it. when i'm reading someone else's work i can always see how i'd write it and this was good i wou;dn't want much change in it other then a little more detail and surroundings and what not would make it easier for the reader to picture where the characters are. (:
 
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EllieK. said...
Jun. 24, 2010 at 8:19 pm:
If you are reading this, go back and read the other version. Thanks!
 
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Caitlyn_ilovesoftball said...
Jun. 9, 2010 at 11:51 pm:
I like it!  I really dont know what to comment but to say, "TWO THUMBS UP"!!!!
 
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EllieK. said...
Jun. 2, 2010 at 6:15 am:

THERE IS A BETTER VERSION IN THE WRITING FICTION FORUMS. I THINK SOME OF THE TENSE PROBLEMS ARE FIXED THERE.

THANKST

 
SUPERMANDwightHowardThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 2, 2010 at 7:44 pm :

I really like it and don't worry about grammer, I've been known to have a really good story with hundreds of grammatical errors, THAT IS WHAT EDITORS ARE FORfor the talented authors that don't need to worry about the petty rules of grammer.

Now to the actual story, it was very good, I normally do not like prolouges but this was a very decent hook, I look forward to more.

 
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katie-cat said...
Jun. 1, 2010 at 7:41 pm:
Okay, I see potential in you.  This story is very unique and interesting.  But it sort of confused me a little.  It seemed rushed.  Another thing is that you should watch your grammar.  I saw one huge run-on sentence in the beginning, and you used the work smelt when you wanted to use smelled.  (Smelt is a fish, I think, although I have been known to make that mistake as well.)  All in all it wasn't too bad.  Keep writing. :) 
 
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elizabethlaura said...
May 31, 2010 at 5:12 pm:
this is a cool story! just watch your tenses though - you switched between past and present a few times :)
 
LiveFreeDieContent replied...
Jun. 1, 2010 at 4:36 pm :
i like it and same suggestion as elizabethlaura :)
 
Broken-tearsThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. replied...
Jun. 1, 2010 at 9:48 pm :
I also agree on the tenses. use flashbacks they help in the swicthing in the tenses
 
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