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Totally Wicked Attack of the Zombie Cheerleaders: Part 1
I walked down the hallway, trying to contemplate how Jimmy and Cindy were so not together after the newest episode of “Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius;” “Win, Lose, and Kaboom!” Gosh, girls are so dumb. Why can’t Cindy see that Jimmy is everything she ever wanted?! These thoughts disturbed me. And my therapist.
Paul and I, Paul is my best friend who I met at the Star Trek convention, strolled into the Honor’s Algebra II class in room 4B. We sat down in the very front row, keeping our gaze on the beautiful math teacher.
She was seventy-six, and boy was she a beauty. Her fluffy grey toupee and gigantic glasses from the eighties were so attractive under the fluorescent lamps of the school room, they made her glow with antiquity. Ms. Palomino, you slay me with your beady grey eyes and vast collection of pastel cardigans.
Anyway, we continued on through class, jotting down notes into our Spiderman notebooks and tapping the keys of our shiny plastic calculators the same way the other kids text. Some people text answers, others, Paul and I, preferred hand-written sentimental notes.
Paul: did you hear about that cheer leader from Winston? She was found dead in a trench behind the school!
Colin: Yeah, and there was another one from James K. Polk. Who do you think is doing it?
Colin: ME TOO!
After class, Paul scurried off to his AP History class, but I was forced into the treacherous deathtrap for nerds across the universe; Gym.
First of all, being my un-manly self in a changing room with 99% of the football team is already a bad sign. Then, being certifiably athletically challenged means my chance of getting severely injured is increased by…%100 percent. In other words, my athletic abilities are limited to Pokémon trading cards.
I avoided all detection in the locker room and proceeded to the gymnasium. Some cheerleaders were on one side, practicing their routine for the game on Saturday, some football players were wrestling on the unsanitary floor…gross… and I was standing against the wall. Then, Mr. George, the demanding and obviously steroid using Gym Teacher, jogged into class and demanded we began to sprint four laps around the whole gym. This wasn’t going to be pretty.
Suddenly, a stampede of eager football players rush past me with the sound you see in comic books- whoosh. I struggled to catch up so Mr. George wouldn’t pound my face inward. Last time he snapped my glasses! But at least it gave me an opportunity to flash some lime-green duct tape…
Thank God for annoying cheerleaders. Shortly after we began running, Kodi Brighton, co-captain of the cheerleading squad, came bursting in through the iron steel double doors, wailing bloody murder. Literally.
“I-I-I was w-w-walking t-to the l-l-locker r-rooms, when I-I s-s-saw her, l-lying there…OMG!” She screamed, collapsing to the ground. We all raced to her side. Well, everyone else raced, but I skip, skip, skipped all the way to my Lou.
“Who is she, Kodi?” Mr. George asked, a chilling sense of anxiety setting in.
“Nicole! Go, go! On the football field…” she whispered, before passing out. I wish I could pass out.
The rest of the class stayed at Kodi’s side, but then my courageous juice kicked in. I walked at a fast pace next to Mr. George as we went to examine the body.
But when we arrived, there was nothing there but a pool of blood. I nearly fainted, and Mr. George had to carry me back. Not that it was a bad thing. Of course I received some jeers from my classmates, but they’ll be sorry in four years when I am the valedictorian and they are repeating senior year… again.
I told Paul what happened after class, and he told me we should stick to what Kodi said. I disagreed. No body, no crime.
“But it’ll be like that episode of the Fairly Odd Parents, the one where Wanda goes missing!” Paul cried. “We’ll be heroes!”
“Paul, we aren’t bringing Nicole back to life! We’re just going to… investigate...” I trailed off, not wanting to get Paul too excited. He might pee himself, ‘cause I think he forgot to take his meds today.
“YAY!” he cheered. Then we went to lunch and ate our special wheat grass sandwich from our matching collectible first edition Star Trek lunchboxes.
~Live Long and Prosper as Time Flies at the Speed of Light~
The next few weeks passed by over Spring Break, me, myself, and I stayed in my tree house with Paul, gossiping over the new comic books arriving by mail every week. I accomplished many things; such as defeating level 72 on Bubble Struggle, getting no evidence of sunburn, downloading the newest Harry and the Potters album, and basically being detached from all human life forms… except for Paul. We had heard more stories of missing cheerleaders. It was becoming a widespread epidemic.
The day we came back to school, Kodi stopped Paul and me in the hallway. Her hot-pink plastered on fingernails dug into my shoulders as she pinned me against the torn grey-blue lockers. Wow. She’s stronger than me. Hot. Embarrassing.
“We need to talk,” she said firmly, tightening her death grip on my shoulder even more. I shrunk down in pain, and Paul was just staring at Kodi like she was a new action figure. I wasn’t all that into girls yet. Paul had been since we met.
“Ok…meet us at the box in the baseball field after lunch,” Paul said melodramatically. Paul looked the same way he did after he had been hung by his tighty-whitey underwear on the flag pole; asphyxiated, with a hint of flattery. After all, the whole courtyard had just seen his collectible lucky ducky tighty-whities.
I continued on through my morning schedule, trying to think about what Kodi wanted to tell me. Did she know who killed Nicole? Did she hear of more murders? Did she finally figure out how to read?
Paul and I gossiped about all these unanswered equations over 2% milk cartons in the cafeteria. I should probably mention we sit by ourselves every day, sipping Hi-C Juice Boxes and snacking on some wholesome PB&J sandwiches, with whole wheat bread.
“I think Kodi likes me. You?” Paul whispered, acting like he was totally annoyed by her “obsession” over him.
“I think you’re egotistical and Kodi is already going steady with Brock Fredrickson,” I retorted sarcastically, chomping into my Pokémon macaroni and cheese. Paul sighed and stared down at his mystery meatloaf. We simultaneously gagged. Let’s just say we don’t hang around for lunch over at Paul’s house.
“Well, the bell’s about to ring. Let’s go see what she wants,” Paul stood up and snapped the straps of his suspenders, a cocky grin stretching across his face as we walked. I shook my head and pushed my glasses up my nose as we speed-walked to the baseball diamond. Running was hazardous, since it just rained. We walked across campus, gawking at the immense amount of sewer water trickling down the paths, overflowing and smelly. Gross. I hope the eerie old janitor, Mr. Rattee, would clean that up. He was a tiny, scrawny man with a suitable rat-like face. Rumor has it he was expelled from this school in his freshman year because of an incident in the science lab, only to return as the janitor 50 years later. Well, I hope he got around to that.
We saw Kodi watching us from across the field, pushing her blonde hair back behind her ears and quickly checking her polished manicure. Paul straightened his polka-dot bowtie and slicked back his hair as we approached. I rolled my eyes and hopped down into the player’s box.
“Hey. Look…I think I know who killed the cheerleaders,” Kodi whispered as she shoved yesterday’s newspaper at us.
MISSING CHEERLEADER EPIDEMIC:
SERIAL KILLER OR UNPEPPY PRANKSTER?
The latest victim in the Missing Cheerleaders Case, which has now elevated to 15 pep-captains in the last two weeks, is Meredith Vondran from Elm Mound Prep. 16, classy, cheerful, athletic, etc… the same characteristics of all the others. From the first victim, Lindsay Russell from Clear view Heights, a 17-year old honor-roll co-captain, to Nicole Spaeder from Darwin-Newton Academy, this case is increasingly serious. Have the cheerers quit? Is there a creeper out there, ready to strike again? All eyes are on Kodi Raymond, also from Darwin-Newton Academy. Police protection has guarded Kodi for the past few weeks, but some fear that it may be an inside-school job. If it is, that un-preppy punk is in for a boatload of trouble.
None of the girls have been found, and no clues have shown since the disappearances. Following is the list of missing cheerleaders, listing age and school, in order of disappearance. Call 501-671-CHEER if you have any tips:
Lindsay Russell, 17, Clearview Heights
Alexandra Rabil, 16, John Fredrickson School
Ryan Minnehan, 16, Klienfeld Academy
Samantha Reed, 17, Clearview Heights
Carly Volko, 17, John Fredrickson School
Katie Houser, 17, Elm Mound Prep
Nicole Spaeder, 16, Darwin-Newton Academy
Madeleine Hughes, 16, Clearview Heights
Alexandra Lugar, 17, Underville School
Gabrielle Elia, 16, Underville School
Nicole Kushner, 17, Klienfeld Academy
Marissa Onesi, 16, Clearview Heights
Elisabeth “Elsa” Kegelman, 16, Darwin-Newton Academy
Taylor Marson, 16, Elm Mound Prep
Meredith Vondran, 17, Elm Mound Prep
Wow, I thought. Someone really is stalking the cheerleaders.