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Child's Play

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''Are we there yet?'', Leah whined, impaitient. No one answered, so she asked again, but louder. I shot one anoyed look at her, and she made a face. It was bad enough being forced to stay against my will at my parents friends house for the weekend, but I had to share a room with my extremley irritating sister. My family, and I unfotunatley, were staying with them at thier home in ............ for 2 weeks. I didn't get on well with thier son, a year older than me, so I was dreading this trip. I had never done anything to Ryan, and the only times I see him, he completely ignores me. He always looks at me with a confused expression, like he is trying to figure something out. I haven't seen him in two years though, so maybe he's changed. I might actually get to talk to him this year. We had pulled up at thier holiday house, and Leah was the first one out. The house was surrounded by a huge forest, nearly all of the trees were pine trees. It looked like a country house, with wood panelled windows, and cream coloured shutters, once white, darkend by weathering, hanging baskets hung on both sides of the door, and wild flowers grew on the border of the forest. There was a narrow stream running alongside the house, and on the other side, an extended garage, and a small wishing well, overflowing with ivy. I secretly hoped that they were gone out or moved, but then I noticed a red jeep at the side of the house. Great, I thought, they're here.




When I gathered my things and walked in, I was greeted by Tesse and Harry, my parents friends. I looked around the room, to see if Ryan was with them. He wasn't, so I dragged my stuff up to the bedroom where I was staying. The room was quite large, with two single beds either side of the room. Leah's things were thrown on the bed she claimed, the one nearest the window. I sighed and threw my stuff on the floor, and sat on the edge of my bed. The room hadn't changed much since I was here last. The same wood panelled walls, just like the outside of the house, the same oak flooring, the same wooden furniture, in fact, the only thing that changed were the bed spreads, once blue now purple. I remember jumping from bed to bed when I was five, and hidding in the massive wardrobe playing hide and seek with Ryan. Back then he used to talk to me, and now, I dont even get as much as a hi. The noise of my dad's booming laughter downstairs broke my train of thought. I went downstairs, into the wide, open kitchen, to find all the adults around the table, talking and joking. Ryan caught my imediate attention, leaning against the kitchen worktop. As soon as I had walked in, he stiffened up. I was expecting that, but it still made me feel self-conscious. He just stared at me, which made me uncomfortable. I lowered my head and walked over to the table, found a seat and sat down. ''So, Eva, how's life?'', Harry asked. ''Um, great'', I replied, my head still lowered, wondering if Ryan continued staring at me. Suddenly, Ryan's little brother, Thomas, came running in the door, with the biggest grin on his little face. ''Auntie Laura, Uncle John!'', he said, with so much excitment. Thomas had always thought of my parents as his auntie and uncle, beacause my mom and dad visit them often. He was always happy to see me, unlike his older brother, and ran over to me. ''Hi Eva'', he said, and gave me a hug, even though he only reached my hip. ''Hey, Tom'', I replied, returning the gesture.



The parents started talking about finance, and thats when I made my escape. I walked past the living room, where Thomas had occupied himself with one of his farmyard play sets, out the door. The weather was temperate, and the clouds were still. The sun was shining, but little warmth reached the ground, which was why I brought an extra jacket. Even though it wasn't freezing, I was shivering. I stared at the forest for a while, debating with myself to venture forward or go back inside. I didnt feel like prentending to be interested in thier coversation, so I started to walk. I had never been great with the outdoors, even though my dad was a nature enthusiast, and my lack of balance didn't make it any easier. The forest was damp, cold, and I could smell the wet leaves on the ground. I listened for any form of life, but all I could hear were the leaves and pine needles making a smushy sound beneath my feet. I didn't have any particular destination, so I was just wandering. I looked behind me to see if I would be able to find my way back, when I suddenly gasped ''Oh''. I turned around fully and standing there, about three metres away, was Ryan. He was so still, like he was a solid piece of beautiful art in the forest. He took one step forward, but hesitated. My voice broke the silence. ''Ryan?'', I breathed,''What the hell are you doing, you scared me to death''. When he spoke, he sounded like an angry parent scolding a child,''Why are you out here?''. His voice was hard, and he looked almost frustrated. ''I just wanted to take a walk, I guess'', I tried to sound casual, but I couldn't hide the surprised tone in my voice. This was probably the first time I had talked to him in five years. His eyes narrowed, and I looked away. He then sighed, and said ''Just don't come out here again, okay?''. I didn't take lightly to being told what to do, especially from someone who ignores me. I stepped forward, and he turned his back to me. ''Oh, yeah, real dangerous'', I said in a sarcastic tone, raising my hands and gestureing at the lifeless forest. Ryan turned his head slightly, and said ''Just go''. I gave the wood one last look, and stormed past Ryan, back to the house. The only time he talks to me and he tells me what I can and cant do. I pushed the front door open and slammed it shut. Tesse had the dinner made already, but I was so worked up I didn't have an appetite and stomped up the stairs to my room.





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This article has 22 comments. Post your own now!

Cat'sEye said...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 9:02 pm

I loved the tone here--it's casual and engaging. You did a really good job of describing your characters; they're very realistic.

There were a few grammatical errors here and there, but other than that, it was very well done.

 
Cat'sEye replied...
Nov. 26, 2011 at 6:22 pm
Woops- ignore this one; it's the same thing. My computer's out of whack.
 
Cat'sEye said...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I loved the tone here--it's casual and engaging. You did a really good job of describing your characters; they're very realistic.

There were a few grammatical errors here and there, but other than that, it was very well done.

 
thepreechyteenager said...
Aug. 27, 2010 at 4:23 pm

The way you described the house at the beginnign was soooo beautiful.  I loved the simple but stunning images of the house so clearly, without any frilly extras but still nice detail.  And I've alway had a thing for ivy, wishing wells, quiet streams, and old forests. (<-- Wow, you really created like, my childhood fantasy there lol)

Throughout your story, I liked how quickly you were able to develop your characters.  It was great how immediantly you gave each of them ... (more »)

 
Aoifee said...
Aug. 21, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Thankyou everybody, I really appreciate you taking the time to read this, you have no idea right now! If you have read further on to part four, can you just reassure me that it is not like Twilight, because that is what I fear the most! I have had a look at you'res and to be honest, mine are minor compared to the talent everyone has on this site. Thanks for the recent comments Stormythrone and sleeplessdreamer ! thanks ! Aoifex
 
Stormythrone said...
Aug. 20, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Try adding a bit more detail of the surroundings, and, as I hate to say, there are grammar problems in this peice.

 Good news: I think that if you polish this up, it would make a fantastic peice.

Keep up the great writing! You have potential :)

 
Aoifee replied...
Aug. 21, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Thanks so much, read the comment above for further thanks ! Aoifex
 
sleeplessdreamer said...
Aug. 20, 2010 at 11:11 am

Bad news first? Well, it's not really bad news, but the critiques first is a better way to put it: First of all, seperate your dialogue into paragraphs. It's so much easier to read if you do that.

Secondly, I felt your narrative was a little too straightforward, a little too to-the-point, if you know what I mean. It lacked a certain flow from topic to topic. A little eloquency.

Good news!!!! (and this is good news.) I LOVED this story. I have no clue what the heck you did, but I... (more »)

 
Aoifee replied...
Aug. 21, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Thanks so much, read the comment above for further thanks!
 
jaredwriter19 said...
Jun. 16, 2010 at 11:01 pm
Very good, keep up the good work! Time for the next chapter...:)
 
katie-cat said...
Jun. 5, 2010 at 11:32 am
Okay, really interested me.  But sometimes in your descriptions I felt like you were rambling and repeating yourself too much, especially when you were talking about the house.  Unless all of that is going to be useful to us later, I think you should cut some of that description out.  I also found some spelling mistakes: their instead of thier, hiding instead of hidding, immediate instead of imediate, meters instead of metres, and gesturing instead of gestureing.  But, anyway... (more »)
 
ChasetheWind said...
Jun. 3, 2010 at 7:27 pm
I got really into this story which is abnormal for me, oddly maybe its just my love of romance but I think that eventually Eva and Ryan should fall in love, lol but thats just me saying. Very well written especially the description. Its hard for me to find ways to describe things and after reading your story I believe it may have given me some ideas! So thank you!!! I think though that some of the talking parts (whatever its called, I know it has a name but I can't remember) I think it doesn't q... (more »)
 
burnt-toast said...
May 27, 2010 at 5:33 pm
this was very good, thought the characters were being developed really well.. i'm glad you conitinued it because the plot is really gripping and i can't wait to see whats going on
 
banangela29 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 27, 2010 at 5:13 pm
I think you have a good idea/concept going, but the prose didn't measure up. Somewhere in the first/second paragraph, you switch from past to present and back again. I felt like sometimes the voice was too casual, not quite fitting the feeling of the story. You have a good idea, just polish up the prose and smooth over the edges. Sorry I'm a tough critiquer :)
 
Aoifee replied...
May 28, 2010 at 7:45 am
No really, thank you for youre comment, nuch appreciated that you took the time to read it and telll me what you think. Thanks.
 
DanceAwayThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 25, 2010 at 3:59 pm
This is really awesome writing. I love how you gave her character, and it isn't all just speech. I know this is kind of random, but I wish when Tom had hugged her she had said something to sweet to show she cared. Like "i missed you." or a "I said, smiling genuinely." Not that it really matters. I like how it flows to. And I agree with AvengedJasonFold, that some suspense is good but i want something interesting to happen to. But awesome so far, 5 stars, and going to read the next one. 
 
malibuloveschanel said...
May 22, 2010 at 12:39 am
omg...absolutely amazing:)100%
 
AvengedJasonFold said...
May 14, 2010 at 5:49 pm
Well first off, let me say this is incredibly well written. The diction sets the tone perfectly and it all fits, and it flows pretty well. The only suggestion I might make is to include some more foreshadowing or suspense because this story picks up kind of slow for me. until I got to the last paragraph, I was like ok... when is something gonna happen? but when I did get there I was hooked completely. It's great to develope the setting like you did, but personally I would try to inject a ... (more »)
 
Aoifee said...
May 14, 2010 at 8:56 am
Thanks so much, already submitted the next sequel, waiting for it to be accepted, Aoifex
 
Item-89 said...
May 13, 2010 at 6:01 pm
Well I sounds like a really good beginning. Giving the backgroung info is always the most boring part (thats not an insult because the writing was very good.) But now that you have that part finished you should be able to jump into the plot and get to the good stuff. You should really add more.
 
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