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Guess how i died? Part one,
Guess How I died
Everyone has sworn or said they will quit their jobs, I say that every morning and every evening, it’s my prayer. “Walk up to the Big G and say Hey I Quit,” It’s not that simple cause legally I don’t exist. Nor does Big G or his assistant Lucifer, Were basically a Hotel There is three floors and you decided where you want to stay but everyone is booked and everyone arrives on time nobody comes early without the Big G knowing.
So yeah, I absolutely hate my job! I have no coffee breaks, I work 24/7 and sometimes I let Marty take over while I rest but usually it ends up me being over worked! I hate my life I mean com’ on why do I have to suffer I have suffered for 2 million years. Ok I should probably explain myself a little, it’s confusing so here goes. The Big G is actually God (yeah I know weird I mean his is pretty powerful but I mean you people call him a God!) So you people are what we call breathers; you’re still alive. When you die you stop at our hotel called AFTER LIFE! So once your here we check the Big book of the ages and see what you have been up to when you were breathing. So if you’re a saint you go up to the penthouses (what breathers call heaven. I mean what the?) And if you’ve been a sinner and haven’t apologised you get the basic box rooms. And if you have done like a few ad deeds nothing to serious you stay in the waiting room and wait and pay of all the things you’ve done wrong. It’s like the bill from staying on Earth but lots of folk skip this part. But
Marty he is waiting, yep see the waiting rooms by my office (if you can call it an office!). This is my namecard it clearly reads Rupert Beans, (I changed my name don't ask).
Now that’s clear I can tell you in confidence about our business it was slow at first until monkey’s become breathers and then people start dying So yeah Big G hired me Igor to like ... see to dead people . So once you die your mind and soul comes whizzing down a rusty metal chute and voila my office I sit ask a few questions and they ask me a few and then I check there file in the big book of ages and decided where they stay.
Also there’s one rule that must be obeyed,
Whatever you die with or how you die, whatever kills you comes with you.
You will see how it works when my first ghoul and ghost comes whizzing through my lovely rusty, rat infested chute. So this is like the first ever customer we got before we hit a manic rush hour. My memory is a tad hazy and this, this could I say man? Well anyway he is a little vague but I guess I could write about him however inaccurate it will be so now back to our first year.
Year 1 BC
So yeah, So I hear this rattling from the chute and this man well weird, comes all dazed and confused and he has this stone on the floor and a huge gnash on his forehead anyway Big G is heard on the speaker like yelling and stuff. So he is saying there is no point looking this one up. So I’m going put this it into a little script.
So I say: Greetings welcome to the afterlife hotel (YAWN) Name and registration,
Guy: My name is Abel of Eden, where am I ? OUCH! OW! Why is my head hurting? Wait! What, Did you say Afterlife?
Me: yeah, You know, you’re dead! So I’m guessing by the rock on the floor is the thing that killed you so Earthquake? Avalanche? A giant rock throwing tournament?
Abel: I... I... My brother killed me.(long hesitation and little sob) He hit me over the head with a rock! The little********. Oh My@*$$!?@** . Oh my I’m having a panic attack! AHHEWAHAHAH OH! Ok so I’m in ... In?
Me: Reception actually , lets take a peek to see if you go up to the penthouses, um i mean heaven ok or the motel one room apartment, hell. So ah here we go the big book of ages well you’ve been pretty good, regular sacrifices and prayers, good, good. So here’s your keys your in 001 heaven suit take the stairs up to the penthouses. Ok.
Abel: ok cool, by the way can I ask you oh wait you already know?
So yeah Abel chilled out a lot and Big G liked him a lot, it might have been the reason he brought his brother in early, but his brother was destined to hell and well Abel couldn’t let that happen and of course the Big G’s new friend couldn’t be let down so he made a clone of Abel’s brother and named him Marty and so when god cut the thread on Abel’s beloved brother he cut Marty’s too. So first came Abel’s brother.
Brother: Hey, Where am I?
Me: Afterlife, anyway I need your name and registrations.
Brother: Oh cain! Is all ok I have no registrations I’m a Abels Bro. So where am I?
And then I’m like rudely interrupted and then the chute is like banging ear-deafing and there is a few strangled curses in the rattles, and then this guy who looks just like Cain pops out like a Jack-in-a-box and is all angry saying things like how can alcohol affect your life span? And ‘I had a good hand!’ Anyway he says he is Marty and if Abel is here he is sorry so I put piece and piece together and the jigsaw is solved. Cain killed Abel and is definitely going to Hell. Marty is innocent part of God’s plan to save Abels feelings however the big G comes down, well he works 24/7 so he is on webcam and he sees the two men practically identical and thinks Cain is the clone and Marty is Cain so he says that to please Abel the clone which is good and deserves to go to heaven to go and join Abel but he thinks Cain is the clone so Cain who has killed Abel and is pure evil gets to go to heaven while Marty gets punished so God puts on his all powerful act and then feels a little sorry because Marty is repenting so Big G gives him a less painfully punishment, he is chained for eternity for in the In-between. Basically it is a cauldron in the sky. Where nothing happens it is connected to my office. Martys a good man the cauldron’s a burning Jacuzzi , so his skin is all wrinkly and pink. Did I mention the eels? Yep there are electric eels swarming around in there with him, shocking him, sizzling, scrambling his DNA. Everytime the eels shock him lighting sparks and flash in Earth, his screams are the thunder booming over, Marty is the fortunate one. Fortunate? Lucky? Well not particularly but others who have sinned and have repented seep through the water squirming, wailing, weeping souls flow their emotions into Marty, he is constantly depressed, furious, Shocked, scared, lonely, joyful and demonic. His possessed. Gone. He has one soul hidden, overwhealmed by millions of others. My sorrow prays for him. My relief angers him, I am not possess he is. My guilt consoles him.
Marty is Lost.
The sins of others consume him. He is chained in that ‘jacuzzi’ his soul seeps out, leaking into the atmosphere of Earth. His tears roll up you down there, you take no notice. There is a reason for everything. Is there a reason for Marty’s persecution, his is condemned to drift between death and life. This story. My story. His story. Our story is about my relationship, my spirit with Marty in it’s humour in it’s sorrow. I will plead, I will harmonise this story. My story.