The Impossible

October 12, 2009
That impossible, unstoppable girl is gone. I felt her leave, just a faint separating sensation at the frayed edges of my soul. Maybe she wasn’t really there to begin with, just a heroic lie, a mask of relentless leadership that has slipped away, leaving only a shell of what I once was, what I could have been. She’s gone along with all of the rest of them. I’m the only one left. The incredible one is alone and broken, and I can’t fix her. I’m fighting just to get through each day. It’s too much, to the point of physical pain.
Yes, this is what I’ve amounted to. How can I save the world when I can’t even save myself? I’ve become no better than a pathetic damsel in distress, but I don’t get a knight in shining armor. I’m not allowed that luxury. There’s just me, myself and I. Just me, because I’m a glutton for punishment. Just me, because I let myself believe it. I let myself believe that we could have it all.
Was I ever that naïve? I can’t see it; I barely remember that girl. That girl was fiery, proud, ever strong. I was meant to last forever. We were meant to last forever. I guess sometimes forever only lasts a day.
When did the villains start winning? Superheroes are supposed to be able to fly. There’s no sidekick for me, not even an arch nemesis to have a friendly battle with every now and then. There’s only me, only one, just me and my faceless enemies. Those nameless, unknown enemies have finally beaten me. I can’t fight what I’m too blind to see.
I lost. The undefeatable lost to her greatest enemy, herself. How did this happen? It’s because I believed it. I honestly, truly let myself forget. I let myself hope, the worst thing I could possibly have done. Then they arrived and ripped me apart. The inevitable finally happened, but I had no time to prepare.
There are those who would tell me to get over it. Isn’t it better to stop lying to myself? No, let me tell you, it’s not. Nothing could be worse than where I am right now; broken, bruised, and bleeding, alone. The lie is better, even when you’re the amazing one, even when you’re the unbelievable, unbreakable me. As hard as it is to admit, I’m only human, deep inside where it counts. I’m only human, and sometimes, humans have to lie to themselves. I have to lie to myself.
Even now, when I have nothing left, I’m lying. I tell myself that I’m strong enough to win, to survive. I make myself believe that I’m not already going down. I gave the very last drop of all that I had to give, and it wasn’t enough. The world won.
So I lie to believe that I am that amazing me, that she’s not dead, not long gone, but the truth is, this is all I am. I have nothing left. The very air is tensed with the anticipation of my downfall. It’s too bad that it already missed my trip over the edge. I’ve been falling for a long time now.
I’m not the only one falling. Everyone is being suffocated as they slowly get dragged under by their own blind spots, the weaknesses that we bring on ourselves. We’re all dying, drowning in our own gluttony for pain. The whole world is playing a losing game. I’m just going under a little quicker.

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