Killer-Part 1

September 24, 2009
By arElana PLATINUM, Fair Lawn, New Jersey
arElana PLATINUM, Fair Lawn, New Jersey
24 articles 0 photos 94 comments

I've always been bored with my life. I read all these stories about wizards and werewolves, and i longed to be part of them. I guess i got more than I bargained for.
I was only your average teenage girl. I was pretty, definitely, but not beautiful. I had curly black hair and bright green eyes. My skin was so pale it looked white. My friends said it made me look like a vampire. Little did they know how right they were.
It was on my twelfth birthday, when my life fell apart. I started to feel thirsty. I drank ate, did everything, but it wouldn’t go away. After a week, I was sick. After two weeks, I was dying. Then, I woke up.
No, I wasn’t dreaming, but I had fainted, at least, that's what I was told. I didn’t wake up until I felt a straw in my mouth. I drank the warm liquid, and immediately I felt better. There was a boy in front of me, holding the straw.
“You’re awake.” he said, “That's good.”
I moaned and tried to get up. The boy gently pushed me back down. “You're weak from loss of blood,” he continued, “Here, this will help.”
He pushed another straw into my mouth. I felt energy rush into my veins, and I sat up gingerly.
I looked at the mysterious boy who had saved my life. He had black wavy hair, and skin like mine, pale white. His face was, well, perfect. He had a square jaw, and a small nose. His face didn’t look real; it was like a perfect marble sculpture. Hen I looked at his eyes. They were a bright green, like mine. They seemed to see right through me, and made me nervous. I hoped my eyes didn’t have the same effect.
I didn’t know what to say to him, but luckily, he broke the ice. “My name is Delos.”
“I'm Iris.”
“Nice name.”
I started laughing, but laughter echoed strangely in the room or cavern or wherever I was. I stopped laughing. Why would Delos bring me here, and care for me for no reason. He had to have a purpose.
“Doles,” I said, before I could lose my nerve, “What do you want from me?”
He laughed. “You are not strong enough to get what I want. But you will learn, oh yes.”
“Learn what?”
“How to survive.”
“You're avoiding my question.”
He laughed again, “You don't understand what you are, and I will teach you. You can become invincible under me.”
“What am I?” I whispered, even though deep down inside, I knew the answer.
“Vampire,” he said, and I collapsed into a dead faint


The author's comments:
Please comment. I need to knwo that this DOESN'T totally suck. plus i want tips.

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This article has 44 comments.


on Sep. 18 2011 at 12:02 am
Robsessed PLATINUM, McKinney, Texas
36 articles 14 photos 214 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I may be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

"Did you know 'I told you so' has a brother, Jacob?" she asked cutting me off. "His name is 'Shut the hell up.'" - Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn

Draglea123: it's called being facetious, duh. And Vampire Bats do exist, so I beg to differ about the existence of vampires. HP Fan: they do too, of course

HP Fan said...
on Sep. 17 2011 at 5:46 pm
Only fairies sparkle ;)

Draglea123 said...
on Apr. 16 2011 at 4:42 pm
Uh hello, that's only in Stephenie's Vampire world. There are no real vampires.

M.K.Slate said...
on Oct. 22 2010 at 11:30 am
M.K.Slate, Granbury, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 10 comments
NOT VERY ORIGINAL, NOT HORRIBLE THOUGH

on Oct. 5 2010 at 9:48 pm
communicativedistractions PLATINUM, Fall City, Washington
25 articles 0 photos 31 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I miss you like an alcoholic misses toothpaste."

NiCe:) You should add more stuff to the beginning :)

on Sep. 30 2010 at 10:09 am
that waz pretty kool, im lookin forward to ur next story!

_Mags_ SILVER said...
on Jun. 22 2010 at 10:05 pm
_Mags_ SILVER, Somewhere, North Carolina
9 articles 7 photos 436 comments

Favorite Quote:
- I stare danger in the face and giggle
- Never argue with an idiot, people might not know the difference
-R.A.P (Retards Attempting Poetry)
-Tip Cologne ryhmes with alone

Suck? Are you kidding me? This story is great. I loved it. it's a very gripping story.

Btw-can you check out some of my stuff?


on Jun. 22 2010 at 7:37 pm
Robsessed PLATINUM, McKinney, Texas
36 articles 14 photos 214 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I may be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

"Did you know 'I told you so' has a brother, Jacob?" she asked cutting me off. "His name is 'Shut the hell up.'" - Bella Swan, Breaking Dawn

Well, I am a totally Twilight Obsessed freak and I love anything with Vampires, sparkly or not. You have a couple of typos, but the story itself is a good lead in to a longer story. The "You are not strong enough to get what I want" left me curious and wanting to know more. Good start.

P.S. Real Vampires Sparkle :-)


on Jun. 2 2010 at 10:08 pm
V.T.Summers BRONZE, Longview, Washington
1 article 16 photos 50 comments

Favorite Quote:
Things rarely turn out as expected.

there are 2 types of vampires: the twilight sparkly vampires, and the awesome vampires.  this would be apart of AWESOME vampires

Miara GOLD said...
on May. 26 2010 at 4:47 pm
Miara GOLD, Ottumwa, Iowa
16 articles 0 photos 30 comments

Favorite Quote:
Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
Dying is a day worth living for.
The problem with being the last of anything is by and by there be none left.

Please do something more original.  Vampires are too generic, too boring.  Try to branch out at least a little.

on May. 22 2010 at 12:54 pm
arElana PLATINUM, Fair Lawn, New Jersey
24 articles 0 photos 94 comments

thanks :)

 

P.S.  I hate Twilight too.  It totally ruined vampires...  I mean, honestly.  VAMPIRES AREN'T SPARKLY!!!

*wink*


CARMENITA said...
on May. 10 2010 at 9:13 pm
CARMENITA, Walnut Creek, California
0 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through..." said by George and Fred Weasley in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Very good , the names are very different , and way different than twilight(in a very good way)

on Apr. 29 2010 at 4:59 am
tomtamtimmy GOLD, Sydney, Other
17 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
you don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

i am no fan of vampiers, twilight and that other BS but this was good

5/5


on Feb. 25 2010 at 10:11 pm
arElana PLATINUM, Fair Lawn, New Jersey
24 articles 0 photos 94 comments
this just got put on the front page!!!

thanks everyone who veiwed and rated, keep on going!

on Feb. 14 2010 at 8:27 pm
To be honest, I didn't see much of anything unique about this piece. There is so much vampire hype that a vampire story like this doesn't really stand out. I would suggest writing about other less common things. If you really do want to continue on this piece, which I encourage you to do, then here are a couple suggestions: First, edit it for spelling and punctuation mistakes, which are a turnoff for the reader. Second, I was a little confused as to where and how all of this was happening. If she was so sick she was dying then she'd be at a hospital, right? But then she's in a cavern with this Delos/Doles guy (you had it spelled both ways) and I'm wondering how she got there. Third, the whole average-girl-who-is-just-your-ordinary-character-finds-out-she's-a-vampire-oh-and-she's-also-really-pale is kind of cliched, which I know I already mentioned, but it's true. Maybe you can add an element to Iris's character to make her more unique, like something about her appearance that doesn't suggest vampire, or just something about her character that would later play in to the rest of the story.

I hope you aren't offended, I'm just offering honest critique :) I can see that you have potential as a writer and you're good at doing dialogue-- the speaking between Delos and Iris was well written. Keep on writing :D

on Feb. 4 2010 at 4:10 pm
arElana PLATINUM, Fair Lawn, New Jersey
24 articles 0 photos 94 comments
i read it. i guess its similar but i wrote this before reading that

acc13a GOLD said...
on Jan. 30 2010 at 5:50 pm
acc13a GOLD, Chicago, Illinois
12 articles 3 photos 20 comments
It's great, but it seems to be a whole like like the book Dark Angel, by L. J. Smith. You should check it out

on Jan. 7 2010 at 8:52 pm
arElana PLATINUM, Fair Lawn, New Jersey
24 articles 0 photos 94 comments
Well this isnt my actual beginning. i start at the end an dthen do a flashback. read "killer parts 1, 2, and 3". it has my real beginning

Nur Shahirah said...
on Jan. 7 2010 at 7:14 am
Nur Shahirah, Kota Kinabalu, Other
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
If you already read the book of house of night novel,you will know about a vampire story.It's a good one.Try it.This story seem to lost something like suspens.I read a lot of fantasy novel.It always start with an ordinary story but it give us the suspens.This story seems straight=forward.But,that is my opinion.Hope you will take no offence.

on Dec. 19 2009 at 4:01 pm
arElana PLATINUM, Fair Lawn, New Jersey
24 articles 0 photos 94 comments
thanks. parts 1, 2 and 3 just came out so you can keep reading. just so you know, this is technically part 2. there is a prologue thingy so when you look at the next part, read from the beginning


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