September 11, 2009
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As I'm sitting here, in this box-shaped room, staring at my prey three feet away from me, I am anxious. This child, an innocent child, will die. She is nothing to me, nothing at all. When she wakes, only then will she notice my presence. She is sleeping calmly, probably dreaming sweet childish fantasies of blue skies and purple unicorns flying to see a magical princess. Little does she know that in a few short hours her rosey red complexion will fade away to meet a dull white color. Little does she know that the curls that surround her face will fade and cover a life-less dull face. Little does she know of her radiant blue eyes fading with the sunset. Unlike the sun, her eyes will never surface again.

~Little does she know of the monster I am~

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Laura_Oliver said...
Jun. 26, 2011 at 6:40 pm
Talk about being short and sweet. I, personally, would have written a longer story about a long, tragic battle and the gory ending - or not so gory. It's pretty good for only a paragraph, honestly.
DontWorryBeHappy123987 said...
Jun. 26, 2011 at 4:27 pm
great job! very descriptive too. You surely painted an image in my head a made great metaphors. This leaves me wanting to read more!
Arco_Sine said...
Jun. 15, 2011 at 6:49 pm
You have the capability to write well. Your writing works very well. The problem is what you're writing about. It seems to just be about capturing a mood, with no point or purpose. Be original, come up with characters that are diverse and opinionated. Writing well is great, but it can only go so far if there isn't a good story.
Penfencer replied...
Jul. 17, 2011 at 5:11 pm
I agree with you, but I want to point out that paragraph-long vignettes that work to just capture a mood can be quite powerful. I wouldn't box 'good writing' in quite so much if I were you. I do see what you mean about creating meaningful characters as well.
Arco_Sine replied...
Jul. 17, 2011 at 6:25 pm
I wasn't saying anything wrong about the one paragraph format. By meaningful characters I mean characters that push the idea along, ones that aren't shoved along by the plot.
Penfencer replied...
Jul. 17, 2011 at 9:28 pm
Yeah totally ... I see what you mean. Like that the circumstance shouldn't be the thing pushing the characters along, the characters should be interesting enough that they kind of pull everything forward, right? I agree with that. I guess we were kind of talking about different things :)
Arco_Sine replied...
Jul. 18, 2011 at 10:27 am

I'm happy I was able to explain myself :-)


jazzy13 said...
Jun. 10, 2011 at 5:47 pm
i liked it. i think you wrote it well. dont worry, my writing teacher sometimes looks at me like im crazy. plz write more!!
captaindanger This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 2, 2011 at 5:02 pm
Wow, this is a bit disturbing. O.o But good too. You describe the corpse well. (That felt really weird to type.)
xX_so-confused_Xx said...
May 26, 2011 at 11:48 am
Dude you should totally write a full-lenght story or something! This is SUPER good XD
Meko8195 said...
May 3, 2011 at 7:44 pm

I scare my teachers all the time when we do things like this. usually i reply back with "wait until you read my poetry" LOL


PrettyInPurple said...
Apr. 27, 2011 at 2:39 pm
It was short....but i absoulutly loved it!
Kitty.Meow.Daly said...
Apr. 5, 2011 at 7:38 pm
Short but very intresting 
imdefyinggravity said...
Apr. 5, 2011 at 3:39 pm
its short, but i like it. Its kinda vague, but that just adds mystery to it. Keep writing! I hope you add on to this, i bet it would be a great start to a story!
Meko8195 replied...
May 3, 2011 at 7:45 pm
In a way i hope she doesn't add more. It probably would be better that way. It allows the readers minds to think what they want to think. :)
Jenns_Ink said...
Apr. 5, 2011 at 9:12 am
It Is Amazing. Very Creative.
Chaday1911 said...
Apr. 4, 2011 at 3:25 pm
It is very short but I love it! Do some more thanx!!
Raven_Mi said...
Mar. 27, 2011 at 4:31 am
i totally lvd it, its simple but so cool
HollandC said...
Mar. 22, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Nicely done! Reminds me of John Gardner's "Grendel". Great book.

By the way, I recently wrote a piece entitled "A Fantasy," and I'm afraid people might not read it because the title is, admittedly, lacking. If anyone would be so kind as to read it, I'd deeply appreciate it.

Nate.mascari said...
Mar. 15, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Poor little girl, why doesn't anyone care!
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