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Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?
I am sitting on the rocker on my back porch, my wife is beside me. It is a warm summer evening, and the piglets are finishing their mud baths before being sent off to bed. The last rays of sunlight dance off my wife’s face, and I am amazed at how blessed I am. I think to myself how I almost did not have any of this. No wife, no piglets, no home, no life. I almost wrecked my whole life because I did not listen to my mother.
Five years ago, I was rash, impulsive, and lived for the moment. Work was an occupation I did not intend to get acquainted with. My two brothers – Douglas and Tom – and I had been staying with our mother, and life was good. But we were no longer piglets needing looking after, and dear old mom thought it was time we made our mark on the world. So, she sat us down to impart final words of wisdom before sending us off. "Sons," she said, "the most important thing I can tell you is whatever you do, put forth your best effort: don’t shirk from hard work. This is the way to get along in the world."
Now as I mentioned, I lived for the moment, so naturally my mother’s advice had little effect on me. Sure, sure, I knew hard work had its place, but hey, I was a bachelor pig for goodness sakes! I was supposed to be wild! Throw great parties with lots of babes, spend all night playing poker with my buddies – the works. Maybe in a few years, when I wanted to settle down and have some piglets of my own, then I would worry about all that stuff. For now, however, all I was worried about was getting out of my mother’s house and letting the world know that I, Chester K. Piggleton, was here.
My brothers and I set off. After walking quite some distance, I came to the conclusion that lodgings were necessary--parties were going to be difficult if I didn’t have a place to host them. Imagine my delight when I happened upon some straw. "Brothers, look!" I exclaimed. "Here is the perfect building material for my home. It is easy to stack, and I shall be settled within a matter of hours!" Tom looked at the straw doubtfully. "Remember what mother said Chester. Are you sure this is your best?" he questioned me. I glared at him. He was such a stickler for rules and whatnot. Nope, babes would never go for that type of pig. He was a lost cause. I looked at my brother Douglass, willing him to see the benefits of my plan. I was not surprised when he fluttered back and forth between sides. Always was a wishy-washy fellow. He ended up siding with Tom. Oh well, who needs ‘em?
After my brothers made their departure, I set about working on my new home. The sooner I could get this done the better. Two hours and twenty eight breaks later, I was done. Sure it wasn’t perfect, the roof might have been a tad crooked and the door didn’t quite fit, and the window....oops! I had forgotten a window! I slammed my hoof into the wall where I thought a window should be. I glanced with satisfaction at the odd hole I had created. There, that should do the job. Ha! I bet my brothers had not even started on their houses! I was sure they would soon see the unnecessary trouble they were creating for themselves.
The next morning found me in my kitchen – well, the part of my one room hut where I kept the stove – enjoying my first cup of coffee in my new home. I savored the pungent aroma of the dark liquid while mentally planning the things I would need for my housewarming party tonight. Let’s see: disco ball, stereo, junk food....oh, don’t forget the babes. I was jostled from my musings by a knock on my straw door (whoa was that even possible!?). Hmm…must be one of the gals I invited, word of my party was spreading quickly! I was just about to answer the door when I heard her deep, hoarse voice demand "Little pig, little pig, let me in!" I froze. Now if there is one thing Chester K. Piggleton does not like, it is babes with deep hoarse voices. I had to get rid of her! "Miss?" I called, "I, well, I’m um... sick, yeah I’m sick. It’s really contagious umgh." the rest of my sentence came out in a garbled mess, because suddenly I felt a gust of wind and my mouth was filled with straw. Straw? Wait, where was my house!? Oh my goodness WHAT DID SHE DO!? I turned with murderous intent at the vile creature who had done this, and saw a little pig’s worst nightmare – a big, bad, wolf.
I ran. I ran and did not stop running until I reached my brother Douglass’s house. He would know what to do. I may have made my house of straw, but Douglass had chosen the better path. His house would be safe. I ran to him screaming "Douglass, Douglass let me in!" My brother pulled me in the house and I quickly explained the wolf situation, while surveying my surroundings. My heart sunk. Douglass’s house was made of sticks! There is no way that would keep the wolf out. "Douglass! I thought you were going to follow mom’s advice!" Before Douglass could defend himself, our ears were filled with the deafening demand "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!" Now I knew my brother was never the smartest little piggy out there, but to this day I cannot understand how he thought telling the wolf no one was home was going to help us. Well, apparently the wolf was not fooled, for at that moment he – and I’m not kidding – blew the house down. Oh, so that’s what happened to mine. Man that guy had one great set of lungs.
Well, Douglass and I figured it would be best for our health to get out of there – and fast. We only had one hope – Tom. As we ran to his home, I fervently hoped he had not succumbed to the temptations as we had, and we would find the shelter we sought. The wolf was hot on our trail, but we saw Tom’s home in the distance. Was he even done? Oh, looks like he just got finished. Talk about great timing huh? Douglass and I picked up Tom and locked ourselves inside. Hey, pretty spiffy in here. Tom did great job. Wait is that an elevator?! Oops. I got distracted. Good thing Douglass filled Tom in on the whole big-bad-wolf-out-to-get-us thing. Speaking of which, I think I hear him. "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!" I snorted - never heard that one before. Couldn’t he come up with something new? So Tom, being the dork that he is, responded "Not by the hairs of our chinny chin chins" Who even says that?!? "Tom!" I scolded, "Don’t antagonize him!"
I mean sure, Tom’s house looked sturdy and everything, but I’d seen señor wolfie out there in action, and that guy had sumo lungs! The wolf seemed nonplused by Tom’s chin hair deceleration, but not for long. He had to come up with his own dumb announcement. "I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down." Whoa, talk about dramatic. I think this guy needs to go into acting. So he blows, and blows, and blows.
Needless to say, I’m still here. So the wolf obviously did not win. After he figured out the blowing thing was not going to work, (Finally! Who tries to blow down a house for two hours? Good thing Tom had a pool table) he tried going down the chimney, but Tom was making vegetable soup. Um, yeah… it was wolf soup after that.
Anyway I learned my lesson, and set off to work on my own brick house the very next day, being sure I made it my best work. I ended up getting married, having kids, appreciating the value of hard work, and enjoying my life to the fullest.
Well, it is getting late and I’m heading off for the night. But guys, if you take anything from this story let it be these things: firstly, building houses out of straw does NOT work. Secondly, never have breath holding contests with a wolf. And thirdly, always listen to your mother; especially when she talks about doing your best and working hard, ‘cause she’s right you know.