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The Great Conquests of Roland and Jose

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Once upon a time, there was a knight of the round table, his legacy hidden away under the incredible feats of the other more famous members of the table, such as King Arthur. His name was Roland. Despite his lack of fame, on one occasion he did find his way into the spot light, despite only staying there for a few moments. His legacy rides upon the coattails of this one journey. Its contents are not for the faint of heart or those weak souls who cannot handle the presence of glory. It began on a sunny day in mid summer.

As Roland finished his early morning feast, he wandered up to his stable to take care of his flocks of animals. How his animals loved him so very much, for Roland was as much a humanitarian as he was brave knight. Suddenly, in a flash of electric green and pink smoke, a magical wizard from the gnome kingdom appeared in front of him. Startled, Roland backed away into a dark corner. Since he had just finished eating, the only weapon he carried was a spoon. Unsure of how the spoon would fare against clearly more powerful gnome wizard, he decided to try his hand at bargaining. When he approached the gnome, the gnome grinned the grin of a gnome who had a proposition to make. The gnome’s name was Jose. As they began to converse, it became apparent to Roland that Jose did not come with cruel intentions in his back pocket, instead, he came with a dire need for someone to help him save his clan from their impending destruction. For unbeknownst to Roland, the gnomes were constantly under attack from the mansquitoes, who would pillage the gnomes villages in search of the gnomes ornate rugs and garments. This proved quite frustrating for the gnomes, so they sent Jose out to find someone strong enough to save them from the dreadful mansquitoes, who loomed outside their villages awaiting the perfect time to attack. Initially, Roland could not find it in him to assist Jose, even though the fate of the gnome village lay in his hands. As he walked away from Jose, the guilt poured over him like rain from the heavens. He could not live with himself if he did not come to the aid of the gnomes, so he packed his gear and set off on a journey, that unbeknownst to him, would make his name as famous Caesar or Socrates.

Had it not been for the casual small talk with Jose, Roland would have found the journey to the gnome village exceptionally dull. For the gnome village lay tucked away deep within a forest of dead trees. These unusual trees lacked life mainly because of the little sunlight seen through the thick dark clouds. As Roland and Jose entered the outskirts of the village, Roland noticed the pervasive gloom that covered each gnome of the village. He knew he had to save them, the balance of his conscience depended upon it. His instincts told him to quickly attack the mansquitoes before their Intel officers learned of his presence. He gathered up his long sword and battle hammer, and marched out to the outskirts of town to do battle with the vile mansquitoes. Seeing that the mansquitoes were keen of smell, and very hungry due to feeding on gnome blood for so long, they were not averse to consuming the likes of Roland. Our gallant vanquisher charged forth, smashing down the first waves of mansquitoes that attacked him. However, Roland had not consumed any amount of food that day, so his body was sucked dry of vigor. The spring in his step was weak and his war hammer grew heavy in his hand. Noticing the mounting amount of mansquitoes in the region around him, he decided to sprint at a wicked deadly pace back to the safety of the gnome’s rural community, once there he knew his life would be in the best of hands.

As Roland staggered into the village, the gnome nurses saw the wounds scrawled across his back. They saw the look in his eye that said he was near the end. The nurses took the tattered hero and laid him in a heavenly bed, with sheets made from the silk of the ancient Hymoosa worms that live in the Valley of Zanzappa. He soon slipped into a deep slumber from which he did not arouse for three days duration. His dreams took him far and wide across the planet, filling him with great trepidation, but at the same time filling him ideas for ransacking the mansquito militia that cultivated while he snoozed. Finally, his dreams took him to what he was seeking for, an answer to his prayers, a way to obliterate the mansquitoes once and for all. The grandiose dagger of DEET. To retrieve this valiant weapon, Roland had to trek into the recesses of the Pointless Forest and answer the three superlative questions of the Rock Phantom. To do this Roland knew he must be accompanied by Jose, for Jose knew the workings of the cosmos.

When Roland and Jose reached the Rock Phantom, he greeted them with a “solid”
smile. Unbeknownst to the companions, the Rock Phantom also had a bone to pick with the mansquitoes. Instead of answering the three questions, the Rock Phantom merely gave them the blade, commanding them to do four things. Destroy the mansquitoes, save the gnomes, live free, and die free if necessary. Roland and Jose were pleased with the conditions and accepted the weapon. Their quest now led them back to the gnome community, where they had a rendezvous with destiny.

Once back at the township, our conquerors ate a hearty meal of goat head soup, for they would need their stamina to slay the scores of mansquitoes. The fair gnome maidens bid them adieu as they strode off into the sunset to mêlée against the garment stealing mansquitoes. When Roland and Jose arrived at the battlefield, the mansquitoes ran at them. Their eyes held the look of overconfident lords of destruction. Unbeknownst to the mansquitoes, Roland and Jose held a secret. At the last second Roland pulled out the DEET sword and unleashed a potent pure of pure DEET energy, lava, and radiation. The mansquitoes did not have enough time to be petrified, for they were incinerated instantaneously. Their exoskeletons had never seen any weaponry even close to the lethality of the DEET sword. The victory was short-lived however, for unbeknownst to Roland and Jose, the DEET sword carried a price to be paid. Along with the mansquitoes, the two valiant heroes were also consumed in the inferno of destruction. Now they reside in Valhalla, playing smooth jazz tunes on their triumphant harps. As for the gnomes, they now live in peace and harmony, all thanks to the efforts of Roland the Knight and Jose the Gnome Wizard.





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