My First Love

April 22, 2018

I saw him every day at school, but I do not think he ever saw me. At least, not the way I saw him. He had his friends and I had mine. We never really spoke to one another, never really bonded. Somehow, I felt like I knew him, even though I knew he did not know me. Until one day during science class, there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see his big brown eyes peering through his glasses staring right into mine. “Hey,” he said. “Can I borrow a pencil?” At that moment I thought I would explode. He has never, I mean never, asked me for anything for the seven years we have gone to school together. I didn’t know what to do so I dove to the ground. What was I thinking he probably thought I was crazy he just needed a pencil and I dove into my schoolbag like an Olympic diver. As soon as I grabbed the pencil I looked back up at him and got lost in his eyes again. Why was he staring at me like that? Did I look crazy enough for him to feel bad for me, causing that look on his face? Little did I know he had the same feelings for me at that time. “Here you go,” I said handing him the pencil our hands slightly touching with the exchange. I quickly pulled away and turned back to my work. I released a breathe that I had been holding in since the second time I looked in his eyes. Oh, his eyes! Why were they so beautiful? They were dark, but also light. Kind and calm, but at the same time harsh. The way he looked at me, why couldn’t I just talk to him without making a small performance? Right then and there I decided to talk to him after class and I was determined. When the bell finally rang, I gathered my stuff quickly only to turn around and find him with his friends walking out. Before he walked out the door he turned and gave me a smile. I stood there wanting to say so much, but couldn’t. I stood there frozen as he turned and walked out. The sad part was I had to talk to him now because he still had my pencil. At lunch, I told my friends about our encounter during class and they all voted against telling him how I felt. I told them I wouldn’t be crazy to get them to shut up about the situation, but I knew I was going to tell him…eventually.
Our entire lives we lived in the same neighborhood. Which means we took the same route to and from school. I would always see him running in the morning and let me just tell you that was my favorite part of the day. On my way home that same day I felt a tap on my shoulder again. I turned to find his dreamy eyes I loved looking down at my face. He was smiling because I had jumped when he tapped my shoulder. I smiled too because his slight laughter made birds sing in my head. At this time I had no idea what he felt for me if only I knew. “Can I walk with you?” he asked. “Huh? Are you talking to me?” I said shockingly. He laughed a little and said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Would it be okay if I walked with you?” I nodded my head not breaking our eye contact. We continued on my street and the questions that filled my head were killing me! I decided to ask him why all of the sudden he was talking to me and walking me home. When I started to talk it was like I was screaming. He looked at me like I was crazy, which let's face it I probably did seem really crazy. “Sorry I just screamed, I get nervous around people I don’t normally talk to.” He nodded slowly looking down at his feet as we walked. Why did he look upset by what I said? “So, I wanted to know…um…why have you been talking to me?” I said nervously. I didn’t realize how mean that sounded until it was out, but yet he smiled like I told a corny joke. “I guess you just seemed interesting today,” he replied. I looked at him smiling. He continued, “I’m just playing with you, you are interesting every day, but this morning I decided to be different and actually attempt to tell you how I feel.” What!?! Many thoughts were going through my mind. What did he mean how he felt? Did he like me the way I did? Has he actually noticed me our entire lives and I was too blind to see it? It was hard keeping myself together so I continued walking keeping my head low. He grabbed my arming pulling me to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk. “Here goes nothing,” he muttered quietly. “I like you! Like, like you a lot. You asked why today of all days I decided to talk to you. Well, today I finally had the courage, the courage after sitting behind you in class every day our whole lives to talk to you. Grant it I just asked a stupid question today just so you would turn around and looked at me with your amazing smile and see the way your black curls move when you turn your head. Every day I sat and wondered, will I ever get to tell her how beautiful she is? Or how I imagined, may I add, countless times about holding your hand in every class letting everyone know that you are mine. It was hard and after saying all of this I regret not telling you sooner, but I do not think I just like you. After all these years of seeing you every day, no I don’t like you, I think I’m in love with you.” The only thing going through my mind was, is this a prank? But…he looked truthful with every word said. After seeing his face I didn’t know what to do so I turned and kept walking. He stayed where he was looking down with a sad, shocked face. I stopped and looked at him. I slowly walked towards him again, took his hand, and said, “I think I love you too.” He looked up and smiled at me. “I think I’m going to kiss you now,” he said laughing. “Go for it,” I said. He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine and right then I do not think I have ever been that happy. It was amazing! When he finally pulled away he was smiling and he said, “Well let's go home.” When we got to my house he kissed me on the cheek and waved goodbye and continued down the street. I think I floated into my house that and I can tell you I don’t remember the rest of that day. I was just too happy.
Like I said I wish I knew how he felt earlier or I wish I would have told him how I felt. The next day as I was walking to his house to surprise him, I noticed for the first time the for sale sign in front. As soon as he walked out, I turned towards him with tears in my eyes and I began to run back to my house. Of course, since he was faster than I was he caught my arm before I got very far. “I’m sorry,” he said multiple times. He pulled my head towards his chest and we both cried together, me louder than him. I was so confused. If he was moving why did he decide to tell me his feeling if he was just going to leave me? Maybe it really was a prank, but the way he was holding told me otherwise. I finally looked up at him and asked, “When do you leave?” He turned his beautiful eyes away from mine and said, “Next week.” I looked down again holding in everything that wanted to come out like angry screams and tears. Then I asked, “How far?” He continued to look away avoiding my gaze. “Too far” he sniffed. Why did he decide to do this to me? Why did he have to tell me that he loved me the week before he planned to leave me? I don’t understand! Why? All he could say was he was sorry, so sorry. I knew we would be able to talk on the phone every day, but that would never compare to seeing him every day like we had our whole lives. “Well,” I said, “if this is our first and last week together as a couple let’s make it a good one.” He looked at me and gave me a painful smile. “Sounds fun.” was all he said. We walked around every day just talking to one another. We held hands and he occasionally kissed me, which I never thought could happen to me. I was trying to remember every little detail, from his smile to the way he walked. I didn’t want to forget anything about him. If only I knew that the mental pictures I was taking of him would be my last memory of him. Since it was our last week together until who knows when we decided to tell each other everything that we didn’t already know about one another. It was an amazing week and I didn’t want it to end, but like all good things they had to. As he walked me to my door on our last day together, I held his hand tighter because I knew if I let go it would be for good until the day I would see him again. “I have to go now. My mom said everything is ready,” he muttered. I nodded and gave him one last hug. “I’ll come back for you once we are both done with high school, I promise. Plus we’ll have every summer to see each other until then,” he whispered in my curls. I smiled into his chest. Remember this I told myself. His firm but soft chest where I felt safe and protected. The smell of his shirt and the softness of it against my face. Alright got it! When we finally let go he kissed my cheek and said goodbye. I watched him walk down the street until I couldn’t see him anymore. That night he texted me his entire way to the airport. He was so sweet telling me all the stuff we were going to together after high school was over. Before he finally got on the plane he promised to send lots of pictures and that he loved me. I went to bed with a smile on my face that night thinking nothing bad could ever happen to me now because I would always have him. Man was I wrong. As I walked into the kitchen the next morning my parents were watching the news. I never paid any attention to it because it was the news, I mean boring right. But this morning something caught my eye. The news lady said, “There have been reports of a plane crash that happened just last night. A family took their private plane, piloted by the father, when moving to their new house and caught some bad weather. Sadly, there will be no survivors after this horrible crash.” “Wow, that’s so sad.” my mother said. “Yes, I can’t imagine losing everyone I love just lost because of some bad weather. I wonder who it could be.” my father responded. At first, I didn’t suspect anything because I didn’t think his father had his own plane. But then, it dawned on me that he did say his father was a pilot. I only got more worried from there until a picture popped up on the screen confirming my suspicion. Staring back at me from the TV were the beautiful eyes I fell in love with. I looked into them frozen. I felt the tears and a scream forming inside me. Before my parents could say anything or try and calm me down, I just started running. I ran out the house and down the street towards where he left me here in our little town. This is where we said goodbye for the last time. This is where he calmed me down after finding out he was leaving. This is where he told me he would come back for me and the plans he had for us and our future. This is where he told me he loved me. He was only supposed to leave to but eventually come back to me. He wasn’t supposed to leave me and never return. How did he expect me to live without him. This is so unfair I thought. How did he expect me to move on without him being here with me? I simply couldn’t do or think about it.
For the next couple of weeks, my parents, as well as the rest of our town, walked on eggshells around me. I wish we never paraded around showing off our love, then people would not be treating me so different. I lost someone I loved and it was hard, but I didn’t want to be treated differently because it only made things worse. Why did he have to come into my life? Why did he have to make me fall in love with him? This was really hard and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it without them talking back to me like a child or simply feeling bad for me. If only he were here. He would know exactly what to say and do to make me feel better. That was a big thing I loved about him, he could make every bad thing sound better and that part of my life was gone. It literally felt like a part of me was missing. I felt like I should just end it all so it would stop hurting so much and people would finally just leave me alone. I needed to see his face again. His beautiful eyes looking down at me. His arms around me. My head against his chest. At that moment I felt his lips against mine and then on my forehead. I missed it all. The night I decided to kill myself changed my whole point of view on life. I was so exhausted after planning and debating whether or not I should end my life that I must have fallen asleep. I think I was dreaming, but still to this very day I still do not know. He came to me and held me to his chest. I felt safe again. Then, I heard his amazing voice say, “Don’t do it.” I tried to speak, but it didn't seem to work then he spoke again. “You have so much to live for and I am not a reason to end your beautiful life.” I smiled against his chest. The smell I remembered filled me up with warmth. Even in my dreams, he could make my awful situation better. I looked up into his eyes and he kissed me. As soon as his lips touched mine I woke up with a start. All thoughts of killing myself gone from my mind as if he was actually here and talked me so far out it I forgot what I was doing. From that day on I lived my life fully and I did move on never forgetting my first love. I also learned to appreciate the love we had and found love with others. It was the hardest thing I have ever have to do, moving on, but it was possible for me so I know it can be possible for anyone.






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Fangirl167 said...
today at 10:51 am
This is amazing. I wanted to cry after it said he died on the plane crash, and that he came to her in her dreams.
 
AnnaTomThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
yesterday at 10:45 pm
AWESOME! GOOD WORK
 
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