At that special moment I wanted everything to be perfect. The roses were as red as blood, the candles matching the table cloth, and the music soft and calm. Now I only needed to gain some courage and ask her.
" Shouldn't be too hard, people do it everyday, just one sentence, five words and fourteen letters . Easy and simple as a walk in the park."
"Easy, simple, walking in the park"- I kept repeating myself. The words echoed in my brain, I could see them in front of my eyes written in different colors, as if I color coded them to learn all words one by one. I wasn't controlling it anymore my brain was repeating the same sentence over and over. Every time I imagined the moment it was different. How could I choose which way was better.
" Should I stand... no, no, no...I must kneel on one leg. Open the box and say those six words." Every time I imagined my Winnie in that moment I smiled. I can't look at her eyes and not smile, even if it's just in my head. They make me happy, she makes me happy."
That's why it was such a big deal. I didn't wanna mess things up. I wanted to make it special for my Winnie. I wanted to make her as happy as she makes me.
That day I waited and waited for hours. My nervousness, blocked my view of time and when I saw that's been four hours I called. I expected my cute angel to answer but it was a man with a deep voice , probably around his thirties. The moment he stated speaking, I knew what had happened. I felt it but I was to nervous of what to say that I was trying to block the bad thought that something happened to her on the way. I could hear the people behind him.
I don't know why but that night I stayed in the kitchen waiting for her to ring the door bell. Maybe I was in a shock or my brain stopped working. I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to. I sat on the chair, staring at the ring the whole night without sleeping. I just stared, didn’t thing nor move. I didn’t feel any pain or sadness, I just existed.It was like I never hear the police man say: “I am sorry we lost her in a car accident.”
In the morning I took a cold shower, I always take cold showers, makes me wake up in the mornings. I changed into my jogging pants and a shirt my mom bought for my birthday last year. I never wore it before but today I felt like I needed it. It made me feel like I was back at home in my teen years.When I didn’t know her. I cleaned the table and sat on the couch. Till that moment I didn't think about what happened last night. I remembered the spider in my room two years ago. It had made a web in one night and in the morning it was on my desk. It made the entire web during the night. I knew because I used to look at the clock every night before sleep and check if I'll see how does the last number for the minutes changes. The spider web was exactly above it. I grabbed a paper from the third drawer where I kept the scratch paper. On the back there was a pencil sketch of a spider, I probably did it during one of Mr Berry's lectures. I was going to kill the spider but then when I saw the sketch I thought:
"What if it actually understands what's happening, I wouldn't wanna be killed by a dude that hasn't shaved for the past week( I was going through a beard stage), in pyjamas for just building a web in his university room.”
I took the spider and before I opened the window... it was smashed by my right foot. I must've dropped it and stepped on it. That day it didn't mean too much, it was just a spider. But now it was a life. I killed a life, which could have been living and having a family now. I know it was too deep and dark but that's how my brain was thinking. The grief was too heavy, so I decided to think about something else and blame myself. But in the morning I cried. I cried as hard as I could. I hadn’t cry a tear since middle school. I was a big, grown man, but I cried and missed her. I missed her candy like smell and her ocean color eyes. I wanted her there more than anything. I wanted to hug her and say:
"Everything is good, I'm here for you."
I wasn’t, I wasn’t there for her and I couldn’t save her as I couldn’t save the spider. We can’t save the once that are not meant to be with us, but they are going to a better place, a place they deserve and not with mean, egoistic and spiteful people like all of us alive.
I wish I could ask her those four words the past night, hear her saying yes with her angelic voice and then live happy forever.
Will You Marry Me?