What is love?

By ,
We met in high school, under those Friday Night Lights, then we spent all of our time together. We went to the movies, out to eat, and to amusement parks, but we never really dated each other because she didn’t want a relationship. Plus we wanted to enjoy our young lives.
Once, we split up for two months, because we got into this big argument. Eventually, we we talked about it and agreed that a committed relationship between the two of us would be an all-or-nothing situation, even though I loved her so much. Since neither of us wanted to give up our irresponsible lifestyle, we made an agreement to not have a relationship.
Over time, we went on with our lives. I partied, got wasted, and did things that were really bad. We were happy to be with each other every single day, until one day she got a phone call telling her that her mother had been shot and dead on arrival at the hospital.
My friend was devastated. It still hurts her to think about it: one day her mother is happy and doing perfectly fine, and the next she's dead, lying on the floor in her house. Her father didn't care in the least because he was a drunk everyday. Abusive to his wife, leaving and never returning back until a couple of days after.
Without his wife, he was alone now and independent. No more having his loving wife searching for him worried at 3 o’clock A.M.; no more waking to a meal prepared to eat. No more “I love you honey” before bed. He starves himself and does drugs to not think about her. My friend moved out of state with her family, because who wants to live with a father like that.
She was gone for a couple of years, and when she came back she was much different, no more of the irresponsible, not caring what she did. Now she's more quieter and makes better decisions. No one knows how much I loved her and how bad I wanted to be there for her, but I couldn't. Sitting there at her mother’s funeral, she gets up and walks out and I go after her. I finally catch up to her and she turns around and slaps me in the face.
“Hey…..what was that for?” As she slides up her jacket and shows me her arm all I see are cut marks “IF YOU LOVED ME ENOUGH ALL OF THESE MARKS WOULDN'T BE HERE” she yells at me.
“I love you and I will never try to hurt you, I'll always be here for you” I tell her.
She tells me she doesn't want an emotional connection right now. I moved to Colorado to be away from her but we still texted each other. The love that I had for her was strong and unbreakable. So we both moved back to the same state and stayed with each other for a couple of months and I finally asked her the big question. “Will you marry me?” She looks at me and smiles and shakes her head no and tells me to ask again in a couple of weeks when she turns 24. I wasn't really worried about it, I kinda thought it was funny. As those weeks came by slowly it was finally getting closer and closer.
There was 1 week left until she told me to ask again, but I couldn't ask her because she died. Hit by a drunk driver walking home from looking for her dress for the wedding. She was in a coma for a day and finally gave up. As I'm sitting in the waiting room the doctors come to me and tell me that she was pregnant and that the baby wasn't going to make it to live. Thanks to her father my kid and my soon to be wife isn't here right now. 3 years later, I'm in therapy learning how to love again and thinking about all of our adventures and loving memories we had. But now I really don't know how to Love again or show feelings now, because of this.





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