Day One: Oct. 5, 2142
“hold my hand
as we fly through the city in the summer night.
sing with me,
see the things you'd like to see,
here with me in the city.
the breeze is breezy,
the clouds are cloudy,
just like you thought they would be.
hold my hand
as we venture through the night.
see the people down there without a care,
living in the big city.
no need to worry now,
in the sky,
you can't see their problems,
or their stressed expressions across their
hold my hand
as we go random places,
unknowing where we will end up
or where our destination is.
as we are flying in the summer sky,
I feel so young.”
-the smells of a summer night by Brianna Cereske.
This is my very first blog post! The poem above was written by a writer named Brianna Cereske. It’s how I wish I felt. Maybe I used to feel that way, but… Not lately. Something changed a while ago, when I decided to be myself.
Technically, I’m not actually being myself. Like, I’m only being myself on this blog. That’s good enough, right?
I want to fly free, like in the poem. I want to feel something more than concealment. I don’t want to hide who I am anymore. I want to be happy, like the way the poem feels. I doubt that I ever will though because of who I am.
Hi, I’m straight.
This blog is the first step to flying. Join me if you please.
Day Two: Oct. 6, 2142
Back when my great-grandparents were kids, everyone pretended to be straight. A man married a woman. A man did not love a man. That would be absurd, and frankly shame-worthy. But that was then. Now, things are different. As time went on, so did the ideas of heteronormativity. Younger generations grew up and so did the gay population census. In the way it used to be seen as weird to marry the same sex, it is now accepted as normal.
So Ash married Jay, as two men are supposed to do. It’s not that I don’t think Jay is suitable for Ash. I mean, Jay is an extremely attractive man. He and Ash have been best friends since elementary school. I’ve met him many times. Sometimes he brings coffee to the airport before a flight and we will exchange our “hello’s.” Jay is good for Ash. But I wish he wasn’t. I wish Ash wanted me instead. And I know if Ash was straight, he’d get beat up or worse. I wouldn’t want that. Sometimes, I wish I was Jay with Ash on my arm. He is not only a good looking man, but also he’s always got cheesy knock-knock jokes prepared for the occasions we see each other. But I wish it was me bringing slightly cold coffee to Ash. We work so closely together and I just think it makes sense for us to be together, despite what people may think about the two of us.
I know it’s not possible for us to get together. First of all, I’m a girl and he’s a married man. And me, I’ve got a girl, too. Her name is Em. But frankly, I am not in love with her. I feel bad about that. I do love her, but in a way that’s different than the in-love kind of love. Does that make sense? I do not want to break her heart.
Today, Ash is flying to Austin, Texas. Of course, I will be with him. Alone. Well, alone if you’re not counting all of the passengers or the other flight attendants. But, alone. No, I will not make any moves. I never do. I just like spending time with him, more than I like being with Em. Am I a bad person? Why don’t you guys let me know. Actually, no. I don’t want to hear the truth. I already know that I’m a bad person.
Day Three: Oct. 11, 2142
I forgot to write for a little bit, so I’ll give you guys an update: nothing has changed. Not like I want anything to change just yet. I’ve got Em. Ash has got Jay.
Here’s what happened on the plane: Ash and I had a super long conversation. We talked about how our days were going and how there were lots of people on the plane that day. Apparently a lot of people wanted to go to Austin, Texas. And where do I want to be? Anywhere with Ash, of course! I mean, with Em. Yeah.
I wish I really felt that way. Maybe if I was less religious I would. Or maybe if I never met a single boy, then I wouldn’t be attracted to them. Maybe if I was normal…
I haven’t felt so good lately. I think I might be sick. Maybe lovesick. It really is a shame to be shamed for being straight. If only I lived hundreds of years ago, then maybe I wouldn’t be so secretive and miserable. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be gay, to be happy.
Day Four: Oct. 28, 2142
A fan emailed me recently and asked how I’m so brave and comfortable with my sexuality. I don’t think I am very brave, but I appreciate that someone in the world thinks I am.
I guess it just takes some time to get used to being different.
I didn’t admit I was straight until I was thirteen or fourteen.
Of course I had gay crushes when I was a kid. I was just following the group. There were a couple girls I dated, but I always ended up breaking up with them because I felt bad; those girls didn’t deserve to be with someone who couldn’t love them back.
I guess that’s kind of ironic now that I’m with Em.
I think I had my first crush on a boy when I was about 12. I met him online. We dated for a couple months, actually. Ever since then, I have just been attracted to boys.
Now, I have for sure gone through bad times. It’s hard to be happy with yourself when all of your friends and family hate what you truly are.
It’s hard to meet people. One time, when I was trying to meet a nice guy at the club, he ended up stealing my wallet. Turns out, he charged a bunch of things on my credit card that only gay people buy, like scarves and berets. (French people buy those too, but let’s assume they are also gay.) I couldn’t pay rent for a while. But it’s those mistakes that have to be made in order to learn and be a stronger person who, for example, may start a blog to share these experiences with other people who are trying to learn, too.
Another time, for about a week in high school, I decided it was time for me to come out of the closet and admit I’m straight. That didn’t go so well. I ended up being practically forced to say that it was all a prank, and that I’m homosexual. Just like I should be.
Even though I run this blog and portray a strong individual, proud of her sexuality, I’m not always that proud to be the person I am. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I wish I was gay like everyone else.
I mean, it’s not even a matter of the connection I have with guys that makes me not want to want them. It’s the fact that the way straight people are portrayed in this modern society of 2142 that makes me genuinely concerned for my partner’s, or my, life. People get killed for these things.
I’m not brave at all.
But you can be.
If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you relate to how I’m feeling. You want a friend. My blog is the only friend who could ever understand the pain you are going through while dealing with who you are.
So if you’re reading this, I hope you can find it in your heart to learn how to love yourself. I hope that one day, even if you’re scared like me, you can cope with it. My blog is how I cope with it, and I hope all of you can find ways to, too.
Day Five: Nov. 14, 2142
Today was good.
Em surprised me and picked me up from work to go on a home-date. We went back to our house and she brought me all different kinds of food in bed. She kept checking up on me, as she tends to do. I like that she cares like that.
When she gave me a balloon, she said, “For you. I gave one to everyone here,” which I thought was funny because I am the only other person living in this house.
She asked me how my Valentine’s Day was. I told her it was good, since she was the one I was celebrating the holiday with. She smiled. Then, she put me to bed, but not before reminding me to take my daily vitamins. I forget, daily.
I am lucky to have someone caring for me like Em does.
I wonder if that’s how Jay treats Ash.
Day Six: Dec. 1, 2142
Hey guys! I’m in a great mood! Wish me happy birthday!!
Of course, I spent the day at work.
Jay called Ash during our lunch break, like he always does. But today, since it’s my birthday, Ash put him on speakerphone and together they sang me “Happy Birthday.” I think that was my favorite part of the day. Then, for dinner, Em and I went to hang out with some friends. We all celebrated my birthday and had a big cake. I got a couple presents, and they all made me very happy.
Day Seven: Dec. 25, 2142
Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate the holiday! Which isn’t many people because, as you all are unfortunately aware of, the straight population is very few. That means not many people are religious around here. Nevertheless, I hope your holidays are filled with joy.
I, however, am spending the day like any other. I mean, if you consider having a breakup and being publically humiliated in one day ordinary.
See, I left my computer on my desk as usual, but I didn’t know that Em would be lurking through it like the apparent creep she is. The point is, she found the blog.
She knows I’m straight now. As any sane person would do, she decided to post my blog link on hers, outting me to all of our friends and family.
I’ve heard news stories where the headline was, “Finally! Straight man dead! One less parasite!” or something along those lines. Needless to say, I’m scared. What if this is my last blog post?
Day Seven and a half: Dec. 25, 2142
Hi, again, readers.
So Em and I had a long conversation after she read my last post. She realized she doesn’t want me dead just because I’m straight. She still loves me and she knows that in some way I love her, too. It turns out that not too many people saw this blog’s link on Em’s since it was only up for a couple of hours. My secret is semi-safe.
Em and I are “back together.” She said she would rather date me for protection than find a true love. I wish I did love her that way. She’s so nice. If I could make it up to her I would. It really is too bad my heart belongs to a man named Ash.
Day Eight: Feb. 2, 2142
Em and I went to the store today.
Our heat broke.
We bought some sweaters to stay warm.
And some soup.
Day Nine: Feb. 4, 2142
One time I read this poem.
“Last night’s dreams are gone.
I am a dandelion.
She is the wind.
I am blown away by her beauty.
Last night’s dreams are nothing
Compared to this.
We are a city:
I mean, a ghost town.
Love is gone.
Dandelions are a weed.
I now realize,
Yellow is not a happy color.
I have to find a new yellow.”
It was written by this writer, Brianna Cereske. It’s how I feel sometimes.
Day Ten: Feb. 6, 2142
Sometimes it hits me hard when I realize how bad of a person I am. I mean, I suck. Really. I suck. I guess the depression just gets the best of me on days like these. On days like these I wonder things…
If I am blue, he is a bright orange. And she is a dark green, reminding me of all that I am not. Reminding me that my feelings for her do not exist. His bright orange reminds me of the sun, the light in my life that is too far away. He does not exist out of my heart. He is everything I want, but can not have. She is everything I have, but do not want.
Sometimes it hits me hard when I realize how bad of a person I am. I mean, I suck. Really. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I suck. I break my heart pretending to love her. I broke her heart.
Day Eleven: Feb. 27, 2142
I am sorry to all of you worrying about me. I haven’t written lately because I’ve just been so upset.
I know everyone gets haters, but I haven’t gotten one in a long time. Dealing with it was hard. The anonymous person sent me a message about my sexuality. Blah, blah, straight people suck, blah, blah. I know. Shoot me.
Or better yet, I’ll do it myself. I should. Bang.
Since the few people that read Em’s blog post that one time (remember?) think that since I’m in love with Ash that he is in love with me back, although he is not, he’s been receiving death threats at work. One time his storage unit had the words “HETERO NO MO” spray painted on it. Unluckily for Ash, he agrees. That is unlucky for me too, but for a different reason. I could have had Ash killed. Then, it’s like I’m killing him. Am I a murderer, or like, an attempted murderer? I’m an awful person. Oh, God. Guys. I was right. I should shoot myself. Bang.
Hello. Unfortunately, the writer of this blog is no longer with us. I am her hospital nurse writing this so you fans can understand why there will be no more posts.
You guys liked the writer because she was so “relatable,” right?
The writer of this blog was on a medication like no one has ever experienced. She volunteered. Me and my team, we organized it all. We wanted to see what would happen. Cruel? Somewhat.
“Or better yet, I’ll do it myself.” This indicates suicidal thoughts, agreed? That was the medicine in her blood going all wrong. Now we know.
I read her blog.
She’s 16. She’s not a flight attendant. She’s not seeing anyone. I’ve kept her here for the past eleven years. Ash and Jay? They are not real. They are characters of an author’s book: Brianna Cereske’s, actually. The blog writer must have read that book back when people were actually dumb enough to read Cereske’s work.
She’d mentioned Texas. I never even heard of Texas before I read her blog posts. I asked my great grandmother if she’s ever heard of a Texas, and she said she remembered the day it fell into the ocean.
The characters are not real. The writer herself is hardly real, with all of the medication running through her blood.
Who am I? Well, who have I not said is made up? That’s right. I am Em. We never had any relationship past the typical nurse-patient relationship. Nor would I ever consider looking at her in that way, even when she was alive.
All of you who supported the blog writer because she was straight, you are all disgusting. I hope you share the same fate as your beloved writer as soon as possible.
Something with that new medication went wrong. Oh well.
That was eleven years of my life wasted.
You can all unfollow the blog writer now that you’ve seen this update on her “life.” Get it?
Day One: Oct. 5, 2142