Always in My Mind

June 6, 2017
By Anonymous

It was yesterday when you left me disappeared. I never thought you’d leave me, let alone betray me. Our midnight walks on the beach, our prank calls to the pizza place downtown, our road trips adventures, and the way you looked at me whenever I called you beautiful. I thought we were in love. There’s that word again… Thought. Jessica Smith, you were the most beautiful girl in the school, bright blue eyes, an amazing laugh that sounded like an angel, and finally, your smile. Your smile reminded me I was funny even when I thought I wasn’t. You always laughed at my jokes whenever they weren’t funny, at least, I thought you only did that with me, but I guess I was wrong.
I tried to find Lucas, my best friend, but he was in his room, hiding from the shame, and hiding from me. Lucas was a good guy, always got good grades, was always honest to his friends, and was always there when anyone needed it. Yet that night, when I needed him the most, he wasn’t there. I thought he would be, but I guess he just changed his mind. Or maybe it was you, maybe you broke him, maybe you hurt him, maybe you were the one that did this to me, and to him.
I dreamed that one day I would find love and be happy with a successful career that I enjoyed. That still hasn’t happened, but I have hope. I remember our conversation from yesterday before you left Jessica. I try to find where I went wrong every single time I think about you, about me, and about us.
“Don’t worry babe, I’ll love you forever, and we will have an amazing life in a big ol’ mansion.” You told me.
“I promise I won’t let you down!” I yelled as I walked down the hall further away from you. Was it that? Did you think that I couldn’t keep my promises?
“I need to tell you something after this period; it’s really important. I’ll text you where to meet me.” You whispered once you ran up to me and got my attention. Yet somehow, I never got that text… In fact, I never got any text after that, and I never even saw you again. Were you going to tell me where you were going? Why couldn’t I have waited? Made you stay and tell me if it was so important? But I messed up, and I wasn’t going to wouldn’t do it ever again, especially not after what happened.
After that period ended and I didn’t get your message, I looked everywhere for you. I even asked around, “Hey, have you seen my girlfriend, Jessica Smith? She’s gone missing.” I tried everyone. After five hours of searching, I got nothing, from everyone. I tried and tried and tried but everyone kept giving me nothing. They said you had probably gone to class or just gotten sick and went home but forgot to text me. I couldn’t handle losing you, I thought maybe you wanted to break up with me, or maybe I was just overthinking everything, but either way, I needed to find you.
“You won’t find her bro. She probably ran away from you because you were too much.”  My best friend Lucas Clark had told me.
“How do you know that?!” I yelled, clutching my fists trying not to lose my temper.
“She told me when we were hanging out yesterday. She’s pretty much done with you man, so stop trying.”
“I’m not going to stop until I find her and talk to her about this.”
“Good luck with that.” Lucas muttered under his breath as he started to laugh at me. Why was he laughing? Did he know what happened between us? Was he the reason you wanted to leave me? Did you want to leave me? Why would you go to my best friend and not me?
I got a bad migraine and decided to go home shortly right after my quick conversation with Lucas. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he laughed, and why he laughed. He knew, and I needed answers. But that’s when I heard a knock on my door, a loud hard knock that went on for at least a solid minute, or so it felt. I ran downstairs thinking it was you but to my surprise, it was a nasty, ugly, no-good, cheating, rotten, beast. My ex - girlfriend, Aurora Jane. One of the most popular girls at school, yet also the most annoying. I hated her. I wanted her to go away. Until she mentioned your name.
“Jessica Smith’s boyfriend? Correct?” She asked trying to start a conversation. I looked at her up and down and rolled my eyes.
“What do you want Aroura?” I asked her in a rude, kind of go-away voice. Couldn’t she tell I wanted to be alone? I just wanted to find you so we could cuddle and watch movies like we did last night. To eat brownies for dessert and taste the way they melted on my tongue. To smell your cherry perfume as I snuggled into you. I wanted this day to end, but it was pretty hard with this monster at my door.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay after what happened with Jessica and Lucas. I was hoping maybe I could come in and we could catch up?!”
“What do you mean Jessica and Lucas?”
“Oh my gosh! You don’t know? I’m so sorry, I thought you would! Everyone knows!”
“ABOUT WHAT AURORA?! JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!”  I had yelled at her…. I can´t believe I had yelled at her. She just told me to go to Lucas’ house and I would find out. She started crying as she walked away but I just couldn’t comprehend what was happening. My full focus was on you, and nobody else but you.
I quickly drove to Lucas’ house and slammed on his door. There was no answer, so I assumed no one was home. Silly me, I guess I should’ve known what I was getting myself into.

I found this in the library, the one place you go to whenever you need to clear your mind. I guess he had gotten to you before me, like he did last month. I’m not sure if you remember, but last month, me, you, and Lucas would all hang out at his house. In this exact room the sticky note was left is where many memories were made. As I start to reminisce on the past, I notice something. You and Lucas would always look at each other after saying something about a couch or a room or any furniture.
¨Lucas don´t you know that I can't pick up a couch? I'm too weak!” you laughed, looking at Lucas as you talked. Why weren't you looking at me? Why did you keep looking at him?
Now that I start to think about it, I'm noticing the signs that I didn't see before. Im finally seeing the difference between actually loving someone, and just being one of those people that just go around with whoever, whenever.
¨You´re so cute Lucas!¨ you muttered smiling happily, ¨Sometimes, I wish we could hang out just me and you. Without anyone else around so we could be ourselves.¨
¨Me too Jessica, believe me, I really want to be with you.¨ Lucas whispered as I started to walk in the room. You guys didn't think I heard you and I told you guys I didn't because I didn't know what to think. I shook it off because I was too naive, but I should've known, I should've told you that I wanted to talk to you. Instead, you are gone. Gone without reason, gone without a goodbye, gone without telling me where.
Just gone.
It keeps playing in my mind, the one sentence where you told me, ¨Don't worry Mark, I'll always be with you even when we're miles away. Our love will keep us together.¨
Were you lying to me? Will our love actually keep us together? Because, as of right now I am really questioning if you were just saying that to reassure me that you are mine, or if you actually meant it. I found the next sticky note when I was snooping around Lucas’ house. It was on a jar of candy canes, your favorite candy.

I couldn’t let him win, not now, not ever. You are my one and only Jessica Smith, and I don’t know why you left me, or if you even did leave… I just wanted you back, so that’s what I’m going to do, and I’d rather die before I stop trying.
I left school early to find you, but instead I found my friend, or at least the guy who used to be my friend, Lucas Clark. He told me he knew where you were and he’d bring me to you but I didn’t listen to any of the lies he was telling me. As soon as I saw him I walked so fast it felt like I was a car. Clenching my fists, and starting to break a sweat, I walked up to Lucas, clump in my throat, and boom. It was almost like all of the angriness in my body had came up to the surface and I had finally let it all go. I had punched the guy who I once thought was my friend.
I went back to my bedroom, hoping to find you, or at least another clue. It’s already 7:45 P.M and there’s nothing but snow on the ground and a broken - hearted boy sitting on his bed. I wanted tried to find you Jessica, but it just led me back home.
Back to this spot.
Without you.
I couldn’t do it anymore, I needed to find you. I started pacing back and forth trying to make a plan but all I got was mad. I started tearing up my room, taking the sheets off my bed from in front of me, and slammed the lamp from behind me watching it shatter into a million pieces. Hearing nothing but the sound of the tree branches crackling against my window, and the smell of the chocolate chip cookies that my mom was making for us.
Too bad I wasn’t hungry.
After doing the damage to my room I found a photo of you, one that I hadn’t taken. One that must’ve been from today.

I knew where you were, I knew exactly where you were and who you were with. I sped over to Aurora Jane’s house and found you in her basement. But to my surprise you didn’t look sad, you didn’t even look like you missed me or wanted me at all. I didn’t know what to do, why had you left? Well, I was about to find out.
I walked over to you and Aurora and just stood there looking at the both of you, waiting for you to say something. But you just looked up and smiled, you didn’t even say anything you just stood up and hugged me. I wanted that hug to last forever. But I needed answers. I backed away from you and asked why you were here, if you ran away, and if Lucas had anything to do with this.
“I am here because Aurora told me I’d be safe here, and I didn’t run away at all. I was kidnapped. And yes, Lucas had everything to do with it.”
“I don’t understand, why would he do that? Did he hurt you? What did he do? What did he say? Why didn’t you fight back?” I asked hoping for an answer that I didn’t get.
“I did fight back, I really did. Well, I tried at least. Mark, Lucas tried to make me fall in love with him, he wanted me to be his forever. I couldn’t stay there so I ran from his house but he found me and I fought back but..”
Before you could finish telling me what happened five police cars showed up and asked for Jessica Smith to come outside. I was confused, I looked at you with a puzzled face, a million thoughts going through my mind. It all happened so fast, but I remember when you got pulled away. The policemen knocked your door down and quickly found you, found us.
“Jessica Smith, you are under arrest for murder of Lucas Clark. Anything you say can and will be used against you in court.”

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