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Ironic Love

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The first time I slipped on a banana was on my first date. Pretty symbolic if you ask me. I mean you’re supposed to fall for someone and I literally did. I fell right on my ass into a puddle as the gentleman who took me out stood there laughing. Right in the middle of foreign trees that were hanging down so their long branches blessed us like angels. I got up, dusted myself off, and walked towards what I prayed was a hose and not a snake. I sprayed him until the botanical garden staff came over and told us we had to leave the premise. We ran for it. Jumping behind mysterious plants with weird things sticking out, unhappy “volunteers”, and strollers. We refused to be caught. We found refuge behind a large tree until the staffers were gone. It was a banana tree. Irony followed us around I guess.

No I didn’t continue dating the fellow for a long time. We went on two more dates after that. The usual routine. Somewhere cool, somewhere fun, dinner and a movie. The botanical gardens was a bust since we got kicked out. Our second date, we went mini-golfing and let me tell you, I have never been more competitive. Another symbolic date if you ask me. If you find the perfect guy or gal, it’s a hole-in-one. I was on a date with the not-so-perfect guy putting some pretty perfect hole-in-ones. He was over par on every single hole. I didn’t feel bad at all. Shows how lady-like I am. I kicked his ass and felt no shame. Payback for laughing at me. He kissed me at the end of that date. That’s right. I was drenched in sweat and had BO coming out of every pore. Right in the middle of a putt-putt park, with all the young children and families looking right at us, the b*****d pulled me in and laid one on me as I tried my best to lean away. I had so many thoughts racing through my head but all that was being portrayed was utter disgust. He went for the long shot with a putter.

The next day at school my best friend Eli walked up next to me. He had set the two of us up.

“So how were the daaaates” he gave a girlish grin and a quick punch to my shoulder. I shoved him into a locker.

“God. Ya know Eli, typically when you set two people up you try for compatibility. I have no idea what you were trying with him and I, but it's just not happening” I said way too defensively just to show I meant business.   Eli laughed and stopped walking. He pulled my arm so I was facing him.

“He kissed you didn't he?” Eli chuckled “After some gross activity? Yeah. That's his move” Eli slowly started to lean against the wall. I fixed the strings on his hoodie and hit him in the chest.

“You set me up with a guy who you knew was going to try to kiss me when I felt gross? Ugh. I'm the worst person to do that to!”

“Calm down Cam.” He pulled my baseball hat over my eyes . “He's going to take you to the movies next. Just eat a ton of popcorn and keep the arm rest down. If it gets really bad, text me and I'll call pretending to be your dad ok?” Eli always came to my rescue like that. Anytime a boy was giving me issues, Eli was there to step in. I gave his arm a squeeze, said thanks, and went home. Apparently a message had been left for me from the boy asking about seeing a movie

God how does Eli do that?!

I was hesitant to go on another date. He wanted to see a movie and go to dinner and I said sure. The movie theater was dull and unexciting. We saw a horror movie. Knowing full-well he would try something, I got the biggest popcorn with extra salt and butter and chowed down on it throughout the whole movie. My hand was all greasy but he still grabbed it. He held my hand and I could feel his fingers slip and move around from all the grease and sweat. I sat there scoffing about how predictable these movies were. He cowered in a ball, I laughed at stupid jump scares. He tried to cuddle into me to hide from the movie, I sat there unreceptive and slowly scooched away. I was so over the predictable relationship. I was so done with him that I got up to “run to the ladies” and walked home.  I never talked to him again but his friends told me his side.

“I don’t know what you did, but he is under a spell man. Completely head-over-heels in love”

“Yeah dude. He can’t stop talking about you and the great dates you went on and all this crap”

“Look man, he said that you were the greatest girl in his life and that he couldn't wait to take you to prom.” His friends were all idiots but at least I got information out of them. I didn't know what to do. This “relationship” was completely one-sided. I felt bad at first. But then I realized he was the one not picking up on the cues. Then the video happened.

It was three weeks after the movie date. The whole student body received a link to a
live-feed. There was the guy I walked out on. With a huge grin on his face. It looked like he was in a photography studio on the third floor. Everyone was confused what was happening when he opened his smug little mouth.

“Let me tell you all the greatest love story you have ever heard. I met this girl two years ago at sophomore picnic. She was gorgeous and hanging around some boys, tossing around a football. Ever since, I’ve made it a goal to take her to prom. Thanks to the help of her good friend, I started to talk to her. And then date her. I took her to the botanical gardens and it was lovely. We strolled through the park, held hands, goofed off, and enjoyed the day together. Then we went to mini-golf and shared the most magical kiss. At the last hole, she turned around after a hole-in-one, glowing in the sun. We walked towards one another and kissed. About three weeks ago we went out to the movies. It was so romantic. We watched and cuddled and held each other for comfort over the terrifying film. She was, unfortunately, feeling sick and had to go home. But here we are today. So. Without further ado, my promposal. To the most beautiful girl in the school, will you go to prom with me? Miss-“

“Ladies and gentlemen, please excuse the interruption” the loudspeaker crackled on and  Eli’s voice rang through. “Will the owner of a green dodge pick-up truck please report to the main office. Again, the owner of a green dodge pick-up truck please report to the main office” I ran to the office and gave Eli the biggest hug. He saved me from embarrassment. The principal apparently had no idea what was going on and had seen the live-feed and sent maintenance upstairs to retrieve the “vlogger”.

  Eli and I walked outside to my car. When we got there, I saw the cover I had on the
back was open and there was something inside. Confused, I walked slowly towards it. There was a box of skittles and a sign that said I couldn't tell if you had picked up on my plan, but going without you would be pretty bland. Prom? I turned towards Eli and he was holding a bouquet of roses.

“You really think I would set you up with someone that bad? C’mon Cam. You know me better than that” I gave him a bear hug and thanked him for the awesome flowers and candy. I couldn't believe that the guy I've known since we were in diapers was standing there with flowers for me, asking me to senior prom.






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