When I Had You

February 10, 2017
By , tiffin, OH

I shoved the last of my suitcases into the car, gave my little brother a last hug goodbye, and got into the car. Then my mom sped off down our road on this sunny september day. Away from all of the blissful noises of kids playing outside, and away from everything I knew. I nervously put on my seat belt and my mom started to cry, which then made me cry. My mom looked at me like I was a kid again and it somehow made me feel safe. She choked back her tears and said, “Emily, everything will be alright, I promise.” I knew this would be a great experience. I mean, everyone loves college, right? Well, little did I know how my year would go.

The college I was attending was about an hour away from my home, so I lived in fairly close proximity to my family. However, I did not have a car because there was no point in me driving around my small campus, at least that’s what my dad had told me. So here I am, riding with my mom in the car while we keep on getting closer and closer to my new home away from home. I’m just tired of my mom crying, it was sort of exhausting. She was so upset though, so I decided to keep quiet. We soon reached our destination and my very sad, but pretending to be excited for me, mother helped me unpack my things. Soon it was time for her to go. Standing there, in my dorm room about to leave, my quivering mom completely broke down crying. Shakingly she stated, “Do not ever be afraid to call, no matter what. We aren’t ever too far away. I love you so much babygirl.” I hugged her and we said our goodbyes, and then I watched her drive off. Now I was all alone.

The next morning I awoke frightened because there was some random girl in my room! I was just about to page campus security when she exclaimed, “No! I’m your roommate! I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just decided to come a little earlier than I expected. Partly because my parents started in on me about not doing drugs or having sex. I got pretty annoyed, I mean I can take care of myself.” This girl seemed pretty straightforward, which I quite liked.

She had bright blue eyes, wavy blond hair, and perfect teeth. She was sort of intimidating, and it made me feel a little bit out of place because she was very pretty. I’ve always had a problem with feeling this way. Nervously I said, “Oh, well um alright. I completely understand. The day before I left my father did the same thing. I’m Emily! How about you?”

The girl, whom I now know is my room mate confidently said,“I’m Kendalyn! Honestly I have no friends here yet, so um maybe we could go hang out sometime and we could get to know each other, if that’s alright?” She looked a little desperate, so I thought maybe it would be a good idea to be friends with her. It’s just that I felt like I would be in her shadow, but she seems pretty  nice so why not?

I said enthusiastically, “Sure! I could use a friend around this place. Later I wanted to walk around campus. I heard there was a Starbucks if you’d want to come?” As we made the plans we started talking about family, friends, ex boyfriends, ya know everything girls usually talk about. I could see us becoming good friends.
Later on we started on walking around campus. There were so many people trying to unpack their things around their dorms. It was such a commotion. I was just glad I had mostly everything unpacked and where I wanted it. We finally found the Starbucks I was talking about and walked in. I immediately noticed this absolutely gorgeous boy. He had dark brown hair, and dark eyes that I could imagine made you feel all gooey inside as you looked into them. He was wearing khaki pants, the kind that I love and can never get my younger brother to buy, and a black T-shirt. Sitting at the table, he looked calm and sweet. He was the ideal idea of perfect.

Of course Kendalyn noticed that I was staring at him like a hawk. She looked at me, and told me, “You should go talk to him. If you don’t, I will.” She then winked at me and walked away. I had no choice. I worked up the courage and walked up to that table.

He looked up at me and smiled. I felt a sort of pinchy feeling in my stomach that indicated to me that I was probably going to throw up in front of him, but I still said, “Umm well this is so so awkward, but my friend made me come say hi to you.”

The very prince like boy grinned and said to me, “Hmm well why’s that? I’m Nick by the way.” I could sense some humorous sarcasm which is great because a sense of humor is always a plus. I was mainly just in total shock that he had replied to me.

“I’m Emily. It’s just that I found you cute and I swear she just wanted to embarrass me. I’m sorry for making this awkward.” I was freaking out inside and I felt like I could cry because guys just do not work out with me. My last serious relationship did not end well at all. Plus, I'm just average looking, and he’s gorgeous. He looked up at me, laughed, and told me that I was funny, but in a cute way. Nick proceeded to buy me my drink, even though he’s probably a broke college kid too, and we talked for about two more hours. Afterwards, he walked me towards my dorm and nervously asked if we could “maybe go out again sometime.” He looked nervous, as if I would say no. We exchanged numbers and he promised to call me. I don’t know how Kendalyn got back home, but I can only thank her for making me walk up to him. The whole night I only thought of him and how cute his laugh was. He made me forget about my past problems with relationships. I knew that he was going to be a huge part of my life. I just knew it.

Weeks, and then months passed. I had been going out with Nick for 8 months now. During our time in the school year, him and of course Kendalyn, became my closest friends. Although Nick and I were each other's best friend. He knew just about every important thing about me, and I knew the same about him. I was convinced that he'd be someone I could tell my family about.

One time, we started talking about our past. It turns out we both have had some difficulties with relationships. I told him the story about my old boyfriend, who I’d been dating for my whole junior year in high school. What ended things was when he went to a party, and he hooked up with one of my closest friends at the time. Turns out, he had been cheating on me with her for a few months at that point. When we broke up, the last thing he said to me was something like, “people always want what they can’t have.” That was the stupidest thing I had ever heard. I didn’t want him anymore, he didn’t deserve someone like me. Looking at me with pity in his eyes he told me the story about his ex girlfriend, whom name is Kelsey. Apparently they had been dating for about ten months when they broke up. They had broken up because she had been ditching Nick to hangout with other people, which included some guys. Nick had started to become jealous and clingy, even though they were super close to each other. Soon after that they had started to argue about stupid little things that didn’t matter, and after awhile they both agreed that they shouldn't be together. This all had happened three months before he left for college, which worried me. He told me that he missed her quite a bit and regretted them breaking up before he met me. However, he reassured me that she was his past and she had a new boyfriend anyways. He insisted that he only wanted me and that he had moved on. I completely believed him. I absolutely adored him.

As of this coming Friday, there would be one week left at college until Summer break. I was dreading it because that meant I only had one week with Nick until we both had to go home. We promised to visit each other as much as we could, since we only lived about an hour away from each other. I was secretly nervous because I just had a gut feeling that he would find someone new. This last week here we had nothing to do but pack for home. Nick and I decided to make the most out of it.

Monday through Wednesday, we had to finish packing, so we weren’t with each other. I did have some girl nights with Kendalyn though, which was much needed. Soon after I started dating Nick, she had started to date a guy named Cole. He was fairly cute, but also kind of nerdy, which was surprising at first because I did not expect her to date someone like that. Since we both had boyfriends, we barely had girl on girl time. On Wednesday, we went shopping and packed up some more. She was leaving the next day, so we started to get emotional, which then made me think of things I didn’t want to think about.  I confided her about my nerves that Nick wouldn’t want me next year. I mean, me and Nick were perfect, almost too perfect. We never had arguments, and it made me feel like he would eventually get tired of it. I was also scared because of Kelsey. They were each other’s first loves, and you don’t forget about things like that. Kendalyn looked at me and said, “I can see why that scares you, but I really believe that he loves you too. What you guys have is amazing. And you’re amazing. Just trust him, and if you ever need to talk, just call me and I’ll be there.” She always had a way of calming my nerves.

The next morning, Kendalyn left to go home for the Summer. It put me in a sad mood so Nick promised to come over and cheer me up. About an hour later, he showed up with a pizza and some movies. We spent most of the night talking and laughing while watching funny movies. Eventually I had to go to the bathroom, but when I walked out he was texting someone on his phone. I thought that maybe it was a friend, but honestly he mainly talked to me. Who was it? I walked back up to the couch to sit with him and he put his phone away, and welcomed me back into his arms. I told myself that I was just being paranoid and snuggled back up to him.
The week came to an end and we both had to go home. My mom came and got me first so Nick and I had to say goodbye for now. Nick held me tight and kissed me one last time. During this I started crying. As he was hugging me like a bear he claimed, “Emily, I love you so much. I will text you everyday and we can call each other whenever, so don’t cry. I’m always here for you, okay?”

“I love you too, so much. Don’t forget about me. Thanks for such a great year. I’ll see you soon loser.” And with that I got in the car and my mom drove away from the place I’ve grown to love. That place was Nick.
Soon I arrived home, and a couple of my old friends were already at my house to see me. Everything was the same, yet so different. I used to feel so full of joy when I saw my friends back home, and don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing them. I just missed Nick so much already. It wasn’t that we haven’t spent a few hours without each other for the past eight months because we have. In fact, we’ve went days without seeing one another, but this was different because I knew I could possibly be waiting months before I’m with him again.

We had three months of Summer break, and the first couple months were great! I facetimed Nick a couple days a week and we talked on the phone all the time. All my worries sort of diminished. I woke up one day and walked down to my kitchen to get the usual breakfast, cereal and orange juice. I was still sleepy and oblivious to everything around me. Then I heard someone familiar talking to my brother in the living room. Was I crazy? Maybe I was just hearing things. My heart started to race as I peeked around the corner. Nick was in my house! I didn’t even care about my appearance at this point. I ran into his arms and he gave me such a long needed hug. I was overwhelmed with happiness. Apparently he had made surprise plans with my parents to show up and see me. Then he would take me with him to stay a couple days with him and his family. Our families talked to each other and had agreed since we were both over age. I felt ecstatic as I ran up the stairs to my room to pack.

The car ride to house flew by. Time always seemed to move too fast when I was with him. We pulled into a driveway of a huge house. It was beautiful, much like him so it wasn’t very shocking that he lived there. I met his parents, whom both actually seemed to like me! We got settled in and went swimming in his backyard. I was so comfortable around him that being in my bikini didn’t make me insecure. I loved how comfortable he made me feel. When we were screwing around in the pool he told me that since I would only be there for the two days, that we would hang out with some of his friends the next day. Now that made me a bit nervous.
The next morning, I woke up to him just staring at me. It was sweet, but kind of creeped me out. I’m not a very cute sleeper. We eventually got up and got ready for this very nerve racking day. Nick told me that we were going to hang out with his friends at a restaurant. We arrived there, and I noticed a small group of guy friends who had a couple girls with them. I assumed they were their girlfriends. One guy was average height with blond hair and freckles. His other guy friend was much taller than Nick and his other friend, and had black hair. He seemed more serious than the other guy. With them, there was a girl that was short and blond with glasses. She looked very nice and she smiled at me. The other girl was about my height, except she had pitch black hair and dark brown eyes. She wore black glasses, which I could definitely not pull off, and she did not look very happy. There was something about her that put me off.

When Nick and I walked up to them, he introduced me to them. The blond boy was Clay, and the dark haired boy was Daniel. They joked around with me about choosing to date Nick and it made me feel welcome. The only thing that was weird was that no one introduced me to the girls, although the blond was obviously Daniel’s girlfriend since they were holding hands. But the girl that looked kind of sad just looked into the distance. I looked up at Nick and it looked as if all color had left his face. I asked him if he felt sick, and he said his stomach hurt.

We had gotten our food, which was delicious. I was enjoying pretty much everything. It turns out the blond girl’s name is Rachel. She talked to me quite a bit and we’d gang up with the guys together. Everything was going great until the girl with the glasses accidentally spilled her drink. Rachel exclaimed, “Kelsey, you just spilled that all over my purse!” Everything suddenly got quiet and I put the pieces together. I felt the color drain from my face. This can’t be happening. It just can’t. Nothing made sense. Nick had an ex girlfriend names Kelsey. Nick was also acting weird and the girl hadn’t even said one word to me. I felt sick to my stomach and rushed to the bathroom.

I stayed in that stall until I could gather myself. Nothing made sense to me. I was so confused. Why didn’t Nick just take us back to his house if Kelsey was there? Why didn’t he tell me it was her instead of lying to me about feeling sick? In fact, why would he even feel sick if he was over her completely? I put myself together and walked out of the bathroom. Rachel and Kelsey weren’t there. Apparently they had went home when everything went down. We said goodbye to Clay and Daniel and left.

The car ride back to his home seemed like it dragged on forever. At one point, Nick’s phone buzzed and he looked at the screen and put it in his pocket without replying. “Aren’t you gonna get that?”, I asked while holding back my tears.  He looked upset, but I could tell that he was scared to say something about it and hurt me even more. I then worked up and asked something I’ve been to scared to ask. “Was that Kelsey?...You’ve been keeping in touch with her for awhile haven’t you?” He then looked at me and tears fell from his eyes. I took that as a yes.

Everything sucked and it had started to rain, which made everything worse. It was silent when he said, “I’m sorry Emily, I just didn’t want to hurt you. I needed her at one point in my life, and she was there for me when no one else was. I admit that nothing felt the exact same without her. It felt wrong to just leave her hanging. I didn’t mean to bring you into this mess, I just didn’t want to lose you either.” I asked him what that meant, and he told me he was sorry. He had broken up with me just like that. He wanted to stay in touch, but that was not going to be possible because it would just break my heart even more knowing that he was with another girl. The girl he chose over me. The girl I would forever be envious of. I just couldn’t handle it.

I couldn’t even fathom how such a perfect week could turn so bad in an instant. It felt like my whole world was crashing in around me. As soon as we got to Nick’s I packed up and he drove me home. He insisted that I should stay until morning, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to curl up in my own bed and cry in peace without him staring at me and feel sorry for me. When we arrived at my home I was still crying. I spent most of the ride thinking, I realized that I never really had him. He wanted someone else all along. He started to cry, which he had no reason to. He’s the one who broke up with me, he is the one who chose her over me. Nick looked at me with those once calming brown eyes, which now reminded me of a thunderstorm, and hugged me tightly one last time. It was at that very moment that I realized my ex boyfriend before Nick was right all along. People do always want what they can’t have. Including me.

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ckeeling said...
Feb. 15 at 10:07 pm
Love it, especially the theme "you want what you can't have"
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