It was when you wore that oversized, navy jumper above you knee length skirt that I knew I was screwed. I remember the look on your face the said you didn’t quite understand why I was laughing to myself after seeing you dressed like that.
The thing is, I wasn’t laughing at you.
I was laughing at my hopelessness and the final acceptance that I had fallen.
Being completely honest, I was in denial for the first few months. But my realisation was gradual as much as it was inevitable. I started noticing the small things like how I most looked forward to the lessons you would be in. I realised how my eyes lit up every time I saw you, but most of all, I couldn’t help but notice how I made that little bit more effort to seem cheerful in front of you.
I never did say anything about it to you because I knew you deserved better than me.
But, the day I’d found out that you liked… her… well, I can’t explain that feeling. My stomach flipped seeing the way your face became brighter when you thought of her, and my heart squeezed seeing happiness filling your eyes when you spoke of her. All I wanted was for you to be with her. But at the same time, I wanted your happiness to be because of me.
Naturally, as every person does, I began the process of comparison between myself the girl you ‘possibly like’ and, eventually came to the conclusion that everyone eventually comes to. I decided that, in every way, she was better than me. Although… I mean… in all truthfulness, she is actually better than me. Wish she wasn’t.
As selfish as I was, I encouraged you to follow your heart, with regards to her, just so I could see you smile and laugh when you told me all about your attempts of bonding with her, and looking for possible signs that she still liked you.
(Although, my heart did dropped a little when you told me you LOVED talking to me because I was like your personal ‘guidance counsellor’.)
In the end, I decided that it didn’t matter to me if you liked her. In fact, it didn’t matter to me who you liked, just as long as I could still see you smile. Even if it was from a distance.