I never really focused on loving myself when I was younger, and I guess that translated into my love life, into our relationship. Growing up I had this idea planted in my head. An idea about love. I thought that my self worth depended on whether or not I was loved by someone else. I was convinced that to be whole someone had to love me. I guess my biggest mistake was searching for someone to love me before I even loved myself. I was always searching for my “other half.” Perhaps I hoped my other half would make me whole, that having someone who loved me would magically make me feel like I mattered, and so I fell in love with the idea of being loved.
The first time we kissed I felt something that I hadn’t felt with any other guy. I felt a spark.
It was about 6 months after our first kiss. I realized things were starting to get serious. This wasn't another one of my impulsive hookups; it was a real relationship. I was so unsure of myself; my mind became clouded with what ifs. What if I'm too attached? What if I'm not attached enough? What if he leaves me? What if?..
I tried my hardest to look past my self doubt, but it wasn't easy. I wanted to do whatever I could to hold on to you. To hold on to the way I felt when we were together; to hold on to the wholeness.
Eventually the what ifs faded away and all I could think about was how much you meant to me. I started to realize what everyone meant when they said it's the little things that matter the most. I loved the little things. The way you always wanted Chinese on Fridays. How you furrowed your brow whenever you thought too hard... The way you made me feel. It almost seems absurd, how much time we spent together. I guess that's what people do when they love each other. They become inseparable.
3 months later you were promoted, which meant you were moving to Boston.Alone.
A couple weeks had passed. I was missing you like crazy. Between our monthly visits all I did was think about the next time we'd see each other. When we were together, all I thought about was how long it would be until I saw you again. It didn't take long for the what ifs to return. What if he's met another girl? What if he's forgotten about me? What if he wants to break up?
I wanted to hate you so much when you left me, and I guess I did for a little while. I was terrified of returning to the emptiness I felt before we met, so I blamed you. I blamed you for getting promoted and leaving and making me feel empty again and... God, I was so selfish.
I could feel myself slowly cracking.
Do you remember when I called you that one night in February? I was feeling cold in every way possible, and it felt like your voice carried its warmth right through the phone. It was only temporary, though. The second we hung up, the cold returned.
I felt so alone. You were 4 hours away and the roads were blanketed in white.
I called up Sean and asked him to meet me at my house. He was the last guy I was involved with before you. I hoped he would make me feel important, just like you did. I was wrong. As I watched him walk out of my front door all I could think about was you. How you walked out that door a few months back, leaving for Boston. I felt like the walls were caving in on me. I'll never forgive myself for what I did that night.
Three days later you greeted me with what would be our last kiss. There was no spark.
I told you about Sean. About sleeping with him. I wish I could erase the look of betrayal in your eyes. The walls began to collapse. Without saying a word, you walked out, slamming the door. I wanted to run after you. To take it all back. It was no use. You were never coming back.
I didn’t realize it then, but you were already whole, and I was trying so hard to take and take from you without ever giving. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for using you because I wanted to feel like I was whole, too. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry for the way I treated you. I was so focused on fixing myself; I didn't realize I was crushing you in the process. I didn’t know it then, but you only provided temporary relief for the pain I was feeling on the inside.
I don't expect anything in return. I just want you to know how sorry I am for what I put you through. I wish you nothing but the best.
All of my love,
Searching for My Other Half