The problem with falling in love is that it never really ends. Especially that first time. All of a sudden all the songs on the radio are about you. All the romance novels were expressions of your “never-ending love,” descriptions about how "her lips found yours like a moth drawn to flame.” It’s all the same. Every damn time. But for some reason, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Even after it’d been months since I’d heard her voice.
What’s wrong with me? Jesus. I have a girlfriend now too, like, how ridiculous is this? This whole thing. It makes me feel terrible. I’d hold her too me- Bethany is her name- and I’d close my eyes and pretend it’s her. No matter how much I pushed it away, everything reminded me of her. It hadn’t even been a relationship. It was just an overblown obsession. But I read online somewhere that the brain can’t be infatuated with someone for longer than four months- or maybe it was five- something like that. If it extends past that then it’s “love," that’s what the article said anyway.
Bethany- don’t even get me started. She’s perfect. Charismatic, smart, interesting, beautiful… but, that’s the thing. Maybe she’s too perfect. A mirage- a result of dehydrated-heart-syndrom. Lost in the dessert, searching for what I could never have. Modern day Romeo and Juliet. We didn’t even date! I have Bethany. Bethany is amazing. But she, she wasn’t perfect. She knew it, too. She played on her flaws and turned them into silver linings. A writer, like myself. Bethany doesn’t do much writing. She’s not really into that kind of thing but, she LOVED it. I could sit down with her and discuss a single page from a single book for an hour if I wanted. “To Kill A Mockingbird- page 102- GO,” and that’d be enough to fuel an entire discussion.
I saw her at the mall the other day. I hardly recognized her, but I knew her eyes from the days I’d spent staring into them. She was with a group of friends- I assumed a group of friends. All I managed to get out was a “hey,” but by the time I’d snapped out of it she was gone, didn’t leave a shoe for me to pick up either. A one sided love story- how depressing is that?
Bethany won't ever understand. I can’t tell her. I tried to explain it once but ended up wrapping myself in a lie about a magical parallel universe where I was over it. Now she thinks it was just a fling, that it was nothing serious. Hilarious. If only it was that simple.
Right person, wrong time.
That’s what the articles online say.
“How to get over someone you could never have been with,” “How to not be so god damn obsessed,” “What to do when you still love another girl.” My search engine must be getting incredibly tired of my emo-bipolar tendencies. It seems like it’s been more frequent lately. What am I supposed to do? The last time I searched “Ways To Get Over Caroline Mathews- The Girl That Took My Heart And Unfortunately Was Unable To Kindly Return It Because She’s Moved On With Her Life And I’m Still Stuck At The Metaphorical DMV (Department of Mentally-Unstable Virgins),” nothing showed up.
I don’t think I want to move on from Caroline Mathews. Maybe that’s the problem.