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Time Spent Wishing

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I analyzed Robert’s face carefully. His head was bowed in misery. His eyes were filled with pain. I could see tears welling up beneath his tired blue irises. His jaw was clenched with fury. His straight, short, dark brown hair was pretty much everywhere. He had run his hands through it so many times by now it was sticking up in all directions. His light eyebrows were pulled together out of confusion.

He looked up at me now. Our gaze met for the longest time. I saw a single, salty, cold tear run down his pale cheeks. He did not move. He didn’t even flinch when I reached out to wipe the tear away. I could feel the electricity run between us as my hand touched his cheek. I could have sworn I saw his eyes light up infinitesimally. I looked carefully. It was gone. His eyes were filled with despair.

“Why?” was the only thing that escaped his lips, as barely a whisper.

I thought about that question for a while. I looked deep into his eyes. The light snow between us provided a barrier. How did it end? I asked myself. I remembered back to the day I decided this wouldn’t work.

Robert and I had been maintaining a fairly good relationship. We had gone to the movies and watched the romantic sappy movies all the couples go to. We had a picnic by the lake where I laid in his lap and we looked at clouds. We had kissed under the mistletoe. We had slowed danced. We had spent entire days together, just sitting around, holding hands, talking about anything and everything and sometimes nothing at all. I had fallen asleep in his lap once. He had brought me roses.

So what went wrong? Well, nothing, really. The only problem was, we were 13. I, myself, had decided we shouldn’t commit ourselves to one another before we had gone out and experienced life. I meant this in the sense that we were too young to have a long-lasting relationship. We were teenagers. We were supposed to ask someone out and get rejected. We were supposed to date for absolutely no reason. We were supposed to do a lot of things.

Not many people understood my logic. In fact, I had a feeling even Robert didn’t understand. I knew he still loved me. He did not have to say that. All I wanted him to know was that I loved him back. No matter what, I would always love him. I just wanted him to have an experience. I wanted him to go out and live. I wanted him to love someone else.

“Go, Robert,” I pleaded quietly. The snow continued to fall between us. It was getting heavier. It was almost as if it was a barrier between us, getting thicker and thicker. “Go find someone else. Go live a little. Don’t think about me. I’ll be fine.” We both kept our gaze. Our eyes never left each other. All I wanted to do was tell him I love him. I tried to show it with my eyes as much as possible.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say it. It was too much for me. If I let those feelings loose, I don’t know what would happen. I wanted to make this as easy as possible. If I said it, it would just complicate things. It would make things worse. It was… impossible. All I wanted was for him to know I loved him.

The snow picked up, now a full-blown blizzard. I could not see him anymore. I could feel his presence, but I was never sure if he was still there anymore. I sat there for the longest time.

After what seemed like hours, but could have been days, I heard footsteps. They were walking away. The footsteps got quieter and quieter, until they were completely gone. I knew he was gone. I knew he wouldn’t come back. I wish I told him. I wish he knew.




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This article has 2 comments. Post your own!

Hades said...
Dec. 22, 2009 at 3:04 pm:
that was soooooooooooo sad
 
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Ildi S. said...
Oct. 13, 2009 at 4:25 pm:
awww that was soo sad my eyes are watering it was really good! i wish it had a happy ending
 
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