Another Letter | Teen Ink

Another Letter

March 26, 2014
By Jflood77 SILVER, Flemington, New Jersey
Jflood77 SILVER, Flemington, New Jersey
7 articles 0 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you want to be happy, be." ~Leo Tolstoy


Dear Rose,

As my eyes drift wearily into clouds, where the clocks don’t have hands, and wind blows up from the ground, I wish I could still feel your breath on my neck. I don’t really dream much since you’ve gone. If I do it’s not before long that I solemnly awake. Waking up stings, like sugar in an open wound. I wake up with headaches now. Maybe I drink too much. I’ve been trying to drink you away for months now. I can’t seem to forget our past. Even though you do not know me anymore and I am not alive in your world, you are still living in mine. The ink that stains my skin is a constant reminder of my mistakes. So is walking on the beach, listening to music, going to restaurants, or watching movies. I haven’t been able to enjoy food’s taste, or Earth’s color. Bird’s songs or wind’s touch, I do not feel or hear any of them. I am lost, my love.
I don’t drive any more. I take the bus. Having an empty seat and reaching for your hand when you’re not there has become too much for me to handle. Besides I like the bus, it’s calming, very quiet. The other day I saw two teenagers. They were in love Rose. So in love. They looked a lot like us. I had to get off and walk to work.
I am ashamed because it made me miss you and I couldn’t bear your memory at that moment. I fall asleep sometimes at work. I don’t sleep well on the couch. The empty space where you would lay is haunting. I don’t use the full bed because it’s like you’re still there. I don’t know what to do hunny. I’m losing myself. I’ve been invited out to dinner, and movies and bars for a year now. I can’t seem to make it out of the house. I don’t think you’d wish to see me like this dear. I want to be everything I was when I was with you, but I don’t think I can. There’s a ceiling I can’t seem to get past.
My spirit is fading. I don’t think I’m dying, but I am certainly ready to. I can’t live without you. And no. This isn’t an exaggeration. I always thought that people who said that were just stupid teenagers, but here I am, an adult and I feel that my life has lost all meaning. I am without purpose. I am a bird without wings, a fish without fins. I am sinking darling. I need to pick myself up, I know you’ve seen me do it before. I wanted to be that man for our children and our grandchildren. To teach them to never give up. I will tell you now what I have never had the time to tell you before sweetheart. You are the wind in my sails. You are the ground beneath my feet. You are my strength. You are what keeps me moving forward, but now I have nothing. No children to be strong for, no wife to be faithful to. It has been an entire year and I still can’t figure out why you left me here. I don’t know why! Why? Why did you leave me here all alone? I needed you here to balance me. And as I place a rose atop this stone, engraved with your name I sob hysterically. Yes, I feel like a girl from a teenage love story. My shirt is soaked from my own tears.
I promised myself I’d write to you after every year to see if I’d progress. To show you I am still the man that you left here. It’s not working. I’m still so lost.

With Love,

James



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