When Can I Stop Living in My Head?

January 25, 2014
I knew the truth from the look in your eyes. You were always looking at me and I tried to search for something. I just didn’t know what I was looking for. You confused me, just like I confused myself with my thoughts. I couldn’t understand why you did what you did to me, but I made up scenarios in my head; scenarios that seemed reasonable but just didn’t fit you.

Every day my thoughts were maddening. I couldn’t contemplate what was happening. You were always there in my mind, controlling my thoughts when I wanted to escape. Then I thought to myself, what if I don’t want to escape? What if I didn’t want you to leave my mind? I didn’t want to erase any little memories I had of you.

Then one day I summoned up all the courage I had and walked right up to you. “Hi...” you said with an awkward smile, like you were confused why I was standing in front of you. “Can we talk after school?” I asked, trying to look into your eyes, and not at the floor. “Uhh...sure. Why?” “I need to tell you something.”

“Oh yeah?” you smiled. I couldn’t help it. I smiled back and said, “Yes. I’m gonna go to class now. See you later?” “Yeah. Meet me by my locker.”

“Okay, I replied, and walked away. I was shocked at the bravery I had and an excitement took over me as I walked into my first class and sat down. I couldn’t wait until after school and I wondered what you were thinking. The class seemed to take forever but when it ended I sped out the door. As I was walking down the hall we saw each other and for that brief moment I felt something I’d never felt before.

I swear I could hear my heart beating through my chest. It felt like just us in that hallway. Everyone vanished and there was you, looking at me. It was almost as if time slowed down. Then I came back to the real world and you were gone and I was walking away.

My classes seemed to slow down just to make me wait more. Finally, the announcements came on and I couldn’t even listen (not that I ever did). We all put up our chairs and moved towards the door. The bell rang and I walked out, excited and nervous.

Eventually, I found your locker, but you weren’t there. So I waited for a few minutes, and there you were. “So what do you want to tell me?” you asked. “Well you already know I like you. You make me smile and laugh. You just make me feel happy all together.”

“I’ve never felt the way I feel about you. I can’t stop thinking about you and it’s driving me crazy. You drive me crazy. You confuse me. I thought I understood you but then you changed...and now you’re the same again.”

“What do you mean?” you asked. I blushed and looked at the floor. “You remember that one day we didn’t have school and you were texting me and I said you were acting really different?” “Yes,” “You were different, so much different, and I liked you like that.

You had longer conversations with me and continued with them the next day. You flirted with me, and don’t try to deny it. And for about a week you stayed like that. Now you’re back to your usual self where I feel like you just get annoyed by me. Why is that?”

You looked at me and said, “ You wanna hang out some time? Then I’ll tell you why.”
“Yeah, I’d like that.” I smiled and you smiled back. “Good. I’ll text you, okay?”
“Alright,” I replied and walked off happier than I’d ever felt before.

Then I woke up. It was all a dream, just some trick my mind had played on me. I was so happy and now everything was ruined. Those things would never happen, no matter how much I wanted them to. I closed my eyes, wanting to go back in the dream again, to feel what I felt, but I couldn’t and now all I had was the vivid memory of the dream implanted into my memory.

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