The Colosseum

January 23, 2014
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The only light I saw wasn't the light shone from above that led my way to heaven, nor the light that came from my guardian angel's halo. Funny as it seemed, it was just this bright light from my phone monitor that burned my soul through my eyeballs. As I read the words "You have done enough for me, you don't need to do anything for me anymore," and "Demi, I don't want you anymore," I was brought back to Memory Lane, then to this very secret cabin of our own at the end of the road. It hurt more than just a headache because our laughter and our kisses were right inside my head but they were all broken into pieces, as if my skull was the Colosseum built in ruins.

While everyone got a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year for their holiday, I got dumped by you - twice - and this is how you completely f**ked up my Christmas.

The second worst thing in life is to be told that "I have stopped loving you," and who would have thought that there is actually something that comes before it? And who would have thought that the first worst thing in life came straight from you, to me? It could be worse, I thought, when you dumped me with "I have stopped loving you". And in fact it could. It hurts to know you don't love me. It hurts even more to know you don't want me to love you anymore.

I got myself trashed on Boxing Day. It was the craziest night because I spent a night at a boy's, which I had never done before. He was a friend but you hated each other because I heard one of you slept with another's ex-girlfriend and then you got into a huge fight about two years ago. If you're curious about whether he had sex with me that night, I'll tell you here: no, we didn't do it, he just held me to sleep because I couldn't stop crying; because that night, I was convinced that you didn't love me anymore, and you no longer wanted to be loved at all.

I woke up in his arms in the morning, wishing I were in yours. I cried again because I missed you a lot. But my chest felt nothing and the Colosseum at the back of my head became a tourist spot. I imagined people taking artistic photos of it and how they would post the photos on their blogs to brag about having to visit one of the Greatest Wonders. Me, I was one of the world's Greatest Wonders.

He sent me home after making me eat. I wish you were here to see me wolf down the food from the plate because you once told me that I would be cuter if my face was chubbier. I crashed on my bed for a few hours. The alcohol in my system was drowning me. It made me dream of going swimming with you in the pool. In my dream, you threw me into the water and I screamed - not in a way that I was crying for help - but in a way that I was excited to be thrown into the water by you because you jumped in too and swam with me. You taught me to hold my breath then, and you said we should compete against each other to see who could hold our breath longer. I kicked myself up to gasp for air at the 45th second but you pulled me under again and gestured that I should stay under water. I came up again after drinking a mouthful of pool water and I flipped out on you for that. You came up above and explained that I could have done better if I was forced to hold my breath under water, for breathing was our basic survival instinct and that I could have beaten you in the competition. You were trying to show me how to live, but all this time, you hadn't realized I was drowning.

Mom woke me up for dinner. It was already at night. My head was spinning but it didn't hurt. I almost went blackout when I got out of bed. It was as if the tourists were inside my head, flashing their camera lights at the beautiful Colosseum built around my skull. It took me two minutes to stand firm.

Yesterday morning, I woke up in tears. I missed us a lot.

I went out for dinner with my non biological brother. He talked about his crush. He talked about food. He talked about music. He talked about books. I talked about you. I talked about you. I talked about you. I talked some more about you. And then I had decided to shut up because Derek was leaving and it could be our last meal together in two months. So we talked about vampires. And we talked about this homosexual support group. I liked talking to Derek because I didn't have to please him the way I pleased you. I didnt have to treat him like a kid like I did when I was around you. I liked talking to him because I knew he liked me just the way I am. It was him taking care of me like I was his little sister and I never had to ask for attention. Maybe he was one of those who had seen the thing I had built inside my head. Maybe he was one of those who took pretentious photos of it but all this time he might have noticed the beauty in me, just like the other tourists.

He sent me home. And I cried again but it was a happy-cry. My head felt heavy so I lay on my bed thinking about myself. I imagined crushing my own bones into dust and if it was blown to Rome, it would have been the world's most destructive sandstorm. Yet, the Colosseum would stand. And it was when I remembered that Rome will forever be in ruins - but because it is in ruins, it has become one of the Seven Wonders. The Colosseum will always stand broken - but it will always stand beautifully broken.

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