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I wish I knew where you were at
Breathe. Slow and steady. I lay on my side, facing the couch. I pull the covers over my head, maybe if I hide from the darkness I can hide from the memories as well. it doesn't work. I sigh and roll of, throwing the blanket off and grab a pillow instead, slamming it down on my face I sigh.
I wish I could forgot, but as soon as I close my eyes there it is again...there you are again. god.. you were so beautiful. I don't know if the word "beautiful" is right to describe a guy but that's what you were. tussled brown hair that never looked the same, green eyes and full sculpted lips. but it wasn't even your looks that drew me in... that drew everyone In, it was you,the way you could make even a stranger trust you with just a smile. you were so charming... and smart. I used to love to here you read to me, always Ernest Hemmingway. He was your favorite. I would give anything to be back in your bed as you read to me until I drifted off into a blissful sleep.
I wish I knew where you were at.
do you remember the first time you told me you loved me? it was probably the happiest moment of my life. we were laying on your bed talking. I thought you were asleep when I whispered it. a faint "I wish you loved me" in the dark. I didn't want to admit it but I had fallen head over heels for you the first time we met. I kissed your chest, I had no idea you were awake but then I heard you. "I do" I looked up slowly not knowing if you were talking in your sleep. you did that sometimes, you would say the silliest things but I would stay up for hours listening to you babble on, but your eyes were open.
you put your head up and smiled that sweet smile, teeth shining in the dark at me. I was so surprised "say it... I want to hear the words" you took my face into your heads and pulled me closer so our foreheads touched. "I love you"
I thought was going to be the first day of forever for us. but I was wrong. do you remember our first fight? it only lasted ten minutes... I couldn't stay mad at you. you had just got home from work...you had to walk in the rain because you didn't have a car and the first thing I did when you got home was yell at you for something stupid... I don't even remember what It was now. but it was the first time you had ever yelled at me and I cried. I never wanted to disappoint you. you said sorry right away and promised to never hurt me again. but here I am now.. in the worst pain.
do you remember our first time? we had been together for almost 2 months...not a long time at all but I had already knew that I love you. you were going to be my first even if I wasn't yours. it was prom night. I had broke my shoe, complained about our dinner and it was raining, we didn't even stay at prom for more than 2 hours, but I didn't care. it would be the first time I spent the night with you. we drove home in your friends mom's car with him and his date. they went into your brothers room and we went to yours. I was so nervous. you assured me that we didn't have to.. but I knew what I wanted and it was you. you asked me if I was sure so many times, it makes me laugh now, I just wanted you to get it over with. it was so... passionate. the next morning all I could think was that I want to spend every night with this man. I was totally and completely in love with you.
I still am.
I wish I knew where you were at. you left me 2 weeks ago. not by choice though. that's what I cant live with. its one thing for you to leave and want it. maybe I could have gotten over you faster. if I told myself every night that you left because you wanted to, you found someone better because trust me you deserve the best, maybe I could live with that. but I cant say that because the truth is you didn't want to leave. you were taken.
do you remember that night? I do... it replays in my head ever time I close my eyes. you weren't supposed to be there. I know that. it was my fault. I was home alone and I was so scared, but I knew one phone call and you would be by my side. i heard the knock on the door and i knew it had to be you. i was in my bed room changing so i just yelled for you to come in. it occurred to me that you got there fast but it didn't really click in my head that it was possible too fast. "babe?" he had yet to find me. i walked out into the living room and i felt someone grab my waist.
at first i thought it was you trying to be playful but when i rested my hands on top of yours i realized something was wrong. it wasn't you. i turned in horror. i didn't know the man... i had never seen him in my life but for some reason he choose me. i started to scream but he covered my mouth and threw me on the floor. i was so scared. he had me by the throat telling me to keep quite, but i couldn't. i kept screaming and fighting. the first hit was the worst. it stung and i could feel my eye swell as soon as his fist made contact. the second one came right after hitting my cheek bone, i whimpered... i don't remember how many times he hit me, i was slowly fading into unconsciousness but i remember when you came in. the pressure suddenly lifted off of me as you slung him to the ground beside me. you hit him over and over and over again but he was strong.
i remember the knife. at first glance it looked like an ordinary pocket knife, but it wasn't. it was large with a sharp tip and toward the bottom it was rigid. on the bottom was a skull. that is what stuck out of you. i didn't want to look anymore but i couldn't move. eight, that's how many times the knife struck you in the chest. there was so much blood. you stopped moving, i think that's when the man got scared. he thought you were dead. he didn't even take the knife out of your chest before the ran out leaving the door open.
i remember crawling to you. each movement sending a intense pain up my spine but i didn't care. i needed you, i needed to be beside you. your breathing was so shallow, i know you didn't have long. you could barely keep your eyes open but you turned your head toward me and smiled. white teeth and perfect lips stained with blood. i didn't want to believe this was happening.
do you remember the last thing you said to me? "i ...love...you"
do you remember when you stopped breathing? i do. in that moment i lost the only thing that meant anything to me.
I wish I knew where you were at.