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I came home today a little less depressed. I sucked in drama class. Everyday I’m losing my touch until there won’t be anything. Cute little Yonnie will just be “Yonnie who?” It’ll happen; everything I don’t want to happen always ends up happening. And I never get used to it. My writing is starting to suck too. I’m just losing it all.
Ren still won’t kiss me. Or even tell me he likes me. He smiles in my face and runs his hands through my hair but he seems as if he just wants to be friends. I don’t know if I can do that, I don’t want to just be his friend. But of course, I’m going to play along- I always do.
In class today, we laughed. And it was real laugh- not an “oh my God” Yonnie is so weird laugh- but a genuine laugh, and I liked it, until Fern showed up and ruined everything with her perfect red hair and blue eyes. Ren likes girls with perfect hair and pretty eyes. My hair is dirty brown and my eyes are plain. There’s nothing special about them. Ren’s eyes are the prettiest dark brown and they seem endless. Ren’s perfect eyes are perfect for Fern’s perfect eyes. And it makes me sick.
Ren is weird, but I like weird-Because I’m weird too. He likes to inhale smoke and watch as it slowly comes out, and he makes O’s with them and he looks so relaxed. He loves the sky when it’s doing something, just like me. When the sky is dark and grey and the rain comes down hard we smile because the sky is doing something and the day won’t be boring. Ren is sleepy in the morning and hates test days. Ren is a not normal boy and I like that.
I am scary weird. I like black but I also wear pink. I like when the sky is really dark and the lightning seems as if it could strike you at any second. I like staring into fire and I see pictures in the clouds. I love scary movies but Titanic made me cry. I love adrenaline rushes but I screamed on a ride at Six Flags. I hate pep rallies but I’ve always wanted to be a cheerleader.
Fern has red hair and blue eyes. Fern wears pink and doesn’t see anything in the clouds. Fern saw Titanic and she didn’t cry. Fern didn’t scream on our field trip to Six Flags. Fern is a cheerleader. Ren and I will never be together.
Ren pinched my hand today. While we were talking and he seemed as if maybe he really liked me, or enjoying the conversation-he always makes it hard to tell. It wasn’t a hard pinch but it was close. He stopped suddenly and asked, “Can I pinch you?” and I of course said yes. I didn’t even think about it, I just paused for a second because everything he says takes a moment for me to register.
I held out my hand with confidence. And he pinched it slowly. I flinched because it hurt, and I said “ouch”. Fern wouldn’t have said ouch. Ren laughed when I said ouch and I was confused. Why was he laughing? Did he think it was cute, or was he laughing because he thought I was a baby? But I said ouch and he laughed. And I was confused.
I rubbed my hand and showed him the mark he left in my hand. “Look at what you did,” I said. And I showed him the mark he left in my hand. He smiled and kissed his fingers and moved towards my hand. I felt Fern watching us and I felt bold. Ren rubbed my mark with his fingers and my entire arm tingled. And then he smiled. He smiled. I smiled back but I didn’t know what to say. Luckily the bell rang and we both bolted out of our seats. I headed towards first period with my hand tingling the entire way.
Ren pinched my hand; and it hurt.
Fern saw us. But he didn’t ask to pinch her hand.
I wonder if he’ll ask to pinch her hand tomorrow.