dear you
Will you ever love me? Or am i completely wasting my time? Are we even still friends anymore? Because I know friends do not blow each other off. I’m sort of a hypocrite, but I guess I can only count that as one of my many flaws. I’m not really sure what I’m suppose to do. I love you, but you do not love me. I’m just a friend, you’re more. I’m less. I’ll never be more. I want to be your number one, your only one, but I doubt that will ever happen. If it ever does though, I know that I do not deserve you. You are perfect and special and I’m just a shallow and boring person. I really having nothing going for me. I hope one day you can see past my flaws. I hope one day that I can see past my flaws. That will be a wonderful day. But for now, my flaws and fears are written plainly on my face. I question everything. I’m always paranoid; paranoid I’m not good enough; paranoid I’ll never be good enough; paranoid you will never love me, because you never will love me. I know that, but I dream that you will change your mind. One day maybe I’ll understand everything. I really have nothing to be upset about, but sometimes life hands you lemons and you’re fresh out of sugar. And when that happens what do you do? You suck it up and deal with the bitter sour that kills you inside. One day we will all know the answers to everything. Probably not tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week, or the next 50 years; but one day we will. And I’ll know why this happened. And I’ll know why you happened. And I’ll know exactly what you are thinking every second of the day, exactly what you were thinking every second I texted you, or you heard my name, or you saw my picture. Do you ever think of me when I’m thinking of you? Because I always think of you and I would like you to always be thinking of me. Maybe one day that will happen, maybe it already does happen. I doubt it, but one can only dream. I’m dreaming, and again, it is about you. That’s usually how it happens. I need to forget. I need to live again, to stop living in my dreams and to wake up to reality. Did you think of me tonight? What happens when you see my name on your phone? Do you fear that she will see it? Do you get annoyed by my persistence? Am I annoying? I don’t want to be annoying, but I just can not get enough of you. It’s only 9:30 and I’m tired. I’m sick and tired of this. You’re crushing my hopes. I have no self-esteem and yet there you go again. But you don’t really know that, because I’m so good at hiding it. I’m really good at hiding it. I hide it so well, behind those words that I say, the hypocrite I am. I say “I don’t care” yet it bugs me so much. Why can’t I just let it be? What am I waiting for? It will never happen. It is useless and I am hopeless. Maybe one day I’ll find someone who will appreciate me, who will love me unconditionally, knowing exactly when I am upset, when I’m lying, when I care too much. Maybe one day I’ll find someone who I don’t HAVE TO put makeup on for, but will WANT TO just to remind him that I care. I do care. I care everyday. I’ll never forget you though. So I hope you remember me. Remember me, and just like Taylor Swift says, if fate tears us apart, when your kids look at the pictures, please tell them my name. Tell them about me, about us. Tell them why you thought, at one point, that I was special, that I mattered. I hope I still do matter. I don’t think I do though. That’s okay. One day you’ll realize what you could have had. I may not be gorgeous, I may not be skinny, but I know you, I understand you, and we have that connection. I thought we made a connection. Why is that connection disappearing? Are you disappearing? I’m scared I’m disappearing, from your mind. Don’t let me go. I’m holding onto your hand, but it’s like your letting me slip, fall. What will I fall into? Maybe I’m suppose to fall. I don’t even have you and yet I feel as though I’m losing you. I don’t even have you. You’re not mine. I’m not yours. I wish I was yours. I wish you could say “She is mine.” Mine. Mine. Mine. I’m selfish. I’m greedy. I just want to be happy. I’m tired of being kicked aside. I feel like I’m always kicked aside. Maybe I need a few changes in my life. Maybe one day you will see what could have been. Don’t tear us apart please. I love you. I really do.