I Still Know, You Know

January 5, 2013
I still have it you know, that bear you bought for me on Valentine’s Day. I’d thought you’d forgotten about it. I’d spent the day angry with you, until you showed up at my house, faced down my overbearing father, just to give me the adorable, pink gift you’d forgotten somehow at your place.

I’ve always found your forgetfulness endearing.

I still remember it you know, the day you asked me to be yours, now and forever until eternity. I can taste the memory of sweet cream ice cream you’d treated me to that day, and the cool breeze that chilled my skin and made you sneeze halfway through your proposal.

I can still feel it you know, the warmth of your lips on my skin, and the safety I felt in your strong embrace as we lay in our bed whispering secrets of the future. Our future. The future we’d create together for ourselves.

I still mourn, you know. Since that day fifteen years ago when we buried you next to your father and grandfather. I’d had to hold our daughter and comfort our son as they cried and sobbed and their kids looked on confusedly, not fully understanding the fact that you were gone. They ask me incessantly for the next week and a half when you’d be coming back to tell them stories of our youth.

You never realized the impact you’d left on our lives. All of our lives.

Now here I am, resting in the same hospital. Waiting. Ironically, I’m in the room right across from the one you’d fought for your life in. Lung cancer. Heh. I remember the fights we’ve had about your smoking. You never listened to me because you were so stubborn. It’s always awed and annoyed me. Sometimes the feelings meshed simultaneously.

You know... I’ve been thinking a lot ever since I was admitted here. And I’ve realized I’ve lived a full life. I was able to have healthy children, I was able to see them graduate and grow up and get married, I was able to see them have healthy children, but best of all I was able to see all that with you, my soulmate, by my side.

I still miss you, you know. I’ve never stopped. I miss the good times and the bad times. The arguments and the sweet, sweet reconciliations. Our love has transcended even death, I believe, and now I’m going to see you again. Up there. With our Father.

I still love you, you know. Like you said, now and forever until eternity. The bear you bought me... I have it in my arms, but I don’t really feel it’s soft fur anymore. It’s becoming a little hazy now. Except I can see a small pinpoint of light that’s slowly, slowly coming closer. I don’t think it’s the hospital light. It’s too warm and sweet to be the hospital light. I think I’m smiling.

I know that I’ll be with you soon. I can feel it in the slowing beat of my heart. We’ll be able to hold each other and eat sweet cream ice cream, and you can tell me about what it was like spending all this time with God.

I can see your face coming through the light. You look as you had the day you asked for my hand. And your smile is the same too. Oh, how I’ve missed that smile...

I’m lifted into your embrace. It’s felt like ages since I’ve been this warm. I’m able to laugh and dance and smile with you again.


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This article has 2 comments. Post your own now!

JayRue said...
Jan. 13, 2013 at 7:17 pm
That was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Your prose is so elegant and graceful. Keep up the good work!!!
...PensiveGurl... replied...
Jan. 21, 2013 at 8:46 pm
Thanks so much ^^
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