Are you ok?

November 3, 2012
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Am I ok? No, I’m not ok. I’m so ready for you to drop me. I’m so ready for it that the tiniest thing you do wrong is going to throw those walls up like a switch. I’m trying to step closer to you but I’m so scared. I’m trying to sort out exactly what it is I’m scared of, but the truth is there are so many things flying through my mind that I can’t look at each one long enough to figure out what it is. I’m watching you reach out your hand, palm up, beckoning. I want to take it, I want to so bad, but the more I trust you the more it’ll hurt when you leave. You’ve done everything right so far, and that scares me even more. Your smile is too perfect, your words seem too rehearsed. I want to run away from you, but I want to run to you at the same time. To fall into your arms, and just... let whatever this is happen. I know which one is easier, and I know which one I really want. I hate how fast you’re working your way into my mind, but I hate how slow as well. I’m scared to go too slow because you might walk away before I’m ready, and I’m scared to go too fast because you might leave, and then where would I be? Every time I don’t talk to you for more than a few hours I get so angry with myself for letting this happen, then we start talking and suddenly everything’s fine. How do you manage to do that?
I’m scared how fast I’m learning to trust you, and how much I trust you already.

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