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Soft Lips. Hard hearts
Ryden leans against the doorframe with his right shoulder, staring at me with his intense eyes. Those intense eyes that I’ve never been able to shake off me. There’s something about his eyes .. The way you can always tell what his thinking. He can say so much with not having said anything at all . I continue to stir my tea while I add sugar to it. Fully avoiding eye contact with Ryden. There’s something about the intensity in his eyes that is different than before. Its soft. Which only makes me wonder what he has going on in his mind. I grab my tea off the counter and walk myself over to the door frame, leaning myself opposite of Ryden. Still avoiding eye contact with him, yet feeling his eyes on me. I buried my face into the steam from my tea, inhaling the slight scent of raspberry. I feel a soft touch on the side of my cheek. A touch that sends chills up my spine and my thoughts in a blur. I look up from my tea cup and Ryden has now moved the door frame to standing right before my face. I can’t avoid his eyes now. I’ve always thought Ryden was a good looking guy, but sometimes it stuns me. He isn’t just good looking. His handsome. With his tanned clear skin, hazel green eyes, soft full lips, defined jaw line, the little bit of stubble, a button nose and short tousled chocolate brown hair. I understand why women always swoon when their around him. It’s hard to not show how I’m swooning over him now with his lips in such close proximity. I’d only have to lean forward a few centimeters to reach his lips and plant a kiss…. But I cant do that. I shake those thoughts out of my head. Stop! I tell myself. You can’t feel this way about him. Not Ryden.
“ you know, you have freckles on your nose ? “ he told me, while tracing the slope of my nose. I did know that I did. I tried telling Lisa this many times, but she would always tell me their just blackheads.
“ I know “ I mummer out. Holding my breath as he creases my cheeks.
He continues to stare at me with that strange soft intensity in his eyes. I’ve never seen Ryden like this. Quiet and tongue tied for words, that’s usually my job in this friendship. But just the fact that his standing here before me makes me happy. I’ve missed him. The kind of missing a person that makes your heart hurt. My body missed him, the way he hugs me, touches my skin with his soft hands. The weeks he was gone, had felt as though he took a piece with me too. I’d see something or think something, and would immediately want to walk next door and tell him. Only to realize that he wasn’t there. I think that’s the hardest part of missing someone, the fact that their not there when you want them too. I take a big gulp of my tea, realizing it’s cooled down. I look back up at Ryden, who has an overwhelming sadness in his eyes. He must’ve seen the confusion written on my face because the overwhelming sadness was wiped from his eyes. A small, soft lopsided smile appeared on Ryden face. I take another sip of my tea.
“ I love you “ he said in the softest voice.
I choked on my tea, which he sees. He leans in to kiss me but I back away stumbling on the door frame, spilling my tea on him.
“ I - I’m so sorry, oh my god, “ I stammer, backing away from the accident scene. I stare at Ryden whose sweater and jeans are covered in my tea. Thank god it wasn’t hot. His trying to take in what had just happened you could see it in his face. You could see it in mine too. What did he just say to me? Ryden takes his sweater and walks over to the foyer and puts it on the stair railings. I walk to my kitchen and rest my hands on the island, letting my thoughts rush around.
He loves me? How does he love me ? The way a brother loves a sister, the way a friend loves a friend ? There’s a bigger question that’s linger in the air here. Do I love him ? What kind of question is that ? Of course I love him. I love him with all my heart, I cant even imagine my life without him now. There aren’t days that go by that I don’t think of him, that I don’t want to see him. But was I IN love with him ? My palms begin to sweat. Ryden walks back in the room, I could feel the change in the air.
“ what was that back there ?! “ He said with a mix of anger and confusion in his voice.
“ I don’t know, what was it ? “ I replied.
“ you spilled your tea on me “
“ you said you loved me ! “ the anger raising in mine. But I’m not all entirely sure why there is. I have no reason to be angry, I didn’t get tea spilt on me. I had someone confess there love for me, that’s not something to be angry for, Is it ? Ryden remains quiet.
“ do you love me ? “ I asked him, body shaking.
He stares at me with sadness in his eyes, taking a long pause before he answered me. I wasn’t sure if he was figuring out what to say or if he didn’t know what to say.
“ it’s the reason I left town. I couldn’t understand .. I didn’t know what I was feeling, “ he paused. His hands slide into his jeans pocket as he continues “ You kind of just snuck up on me. Its always been there you and me, I just never knew it. It wasn’t until the night at the beach that I realized .. “ he trailed off just staring at me. I angle my body towards him
“ realized what ? “ I asked.
He bite his lip “that you’re everything I wanted .“
The night at the beach. I remember it so clearly. It was the night that I realized I wanted Ryden in my life for the rest of it. A knot twist in my stomach of the thought of that night, because of the way I felt. It feels like it was a totally different person there at the beach, feeling those things. All I feel now is the throw up climbing its way up my throat. I swallow it down.
“ that night you were talking about having the world in your hands, you were glowing while talking about traveling the world and writing. But then you started talking about your parents and their divorce, how you never wanted to be like them. All I did was hold you and promise you wouldn’t, even though I knew the only way I could keep that promise would be if I was with you. “ He paused again, this time taking a few steps towards me. I pray he doesn’t come any closer, I don’t think I could handle it.
“ it was that thought that made me realize, I did want to be with you. “ he finished. His eyes searching for something in my face that would return his feelings, and I could see he wasn’t finding it. He probably never will. I am no longer hiding the anger and confusion on my face. I felt all of my emotions at one. The anger boiling in my blood with the sadness making its way up my throat. I don’t understand why I’m so angry with him, when your best friend tells you that he thinks his in love with you I don’t think threes a reason to be mad. Ryden takes a few more steps towards me, I back away backing up into my kitchen counter.
“I don’t want things to be different “ he says calmly.
Things to be different ? How could they ever be the same now ? How do you go back to being just someone’s friend when they openly admitted they love you ? I don’t think that’s possible, at least not for me . Maybe that’s just me being selfish .
“ I don’t think things will ever be the same .. “ I reply . “ I just don’t understand where this is coming from ? “
I could see the confuse rise in his face. He looked at me as if I asked him why the skies blue.
“ really ?! You don’t know where any of this is coming from ? that’s probably the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard from you “ he said to me, anger rising in his voice.
I hit a nerve. I once again pushed something I shouldn’t have . F*** .
Ryden doesn’t take a few steps this time, he full on walks towards me, an arms length away .
“ Can you seriously look me in the eyes and say that you’ve felt nothing for me these past months ? “ he asked. With his eyes piercing down at me once again . I could tell he was scared at what my answer would be by the look upon his face once he finished his question. I stayed a brick wall, emotionless. I don’t know what to say . Do I tell Ryden everything I’ve been thinking ? All of my thoughts toward him and the feelings ? But the underlining question was what feelings ..
“ I - I have thought things .. I’ve wondered things “ I stammered, but continued “ but that’s all they were, thoughts. I never knew that any of them were real . “ I stopped. Just for a moment and looked up . Only to find that those piercing green eyes were no longer piercing, in fact they lacked everything they once had. Those green eyes I’ve once seen shine were dull and full with hurt. What was I doing ? Everything Ryden saying to me is everything that I’ve thought.
“ is it real ? “ I asked, my voice shaking.
“what ?” he asked with a annoyed tone.
“ what you feel ?” I said as I scanned his eyes for something, anything. It was only a few seconds before he turned away from me . I’ve hit a nerve. AGAIN. He keeps his back faced towards me but I could see he was leaning against the countertop, hands as support.
“ is anything Vi ? “ he paused. “ I don’t know what’s real or not anymore, I’m slowly losing everything that I’ve cared about and I have no one to blame but myself. And then here I go, trying to cling onto you. Because through all of it you’re the ONE thing that makes sense to me. You know when there’s a big rainstorm and it can be so cloudy, so gloomy outside, and its raining so hard you can hear it yet the sound and the sight of it calms you ? You’re my rainstorm, you calm me . “ he stopped and turned around to face me. “ I’ve done a lot of shitty things in my life time and its crazy how somehow I can up being with someone like you. So maybe my feelings aren’t real, maybe its just my insecurities projecting on you trying to cling onto the one good thing I have… Or maybe everything that I’ve been feeling, everything that’s happened between us, it’s all real and you wont admit it. So is it real, Vi ? What you feel ? “ he finished with a beaten look upon his face. We stared at each other in silence, Ryden was waiting for an answer. But before he could open his mouth to push the issue further and before I could reply, I found myself putting my lips on his.
I found my hands going down his broad muscular shoulder, skimming my finger tips down the line of his spine. Ryden's fingertips were left on where he traced my collarbone. His kisses were soft and sweet on my stomach. I inhaled him. The sweet scent that was Ryden. It was so blissful how perfectly our bodies intertwined and tangled together. The way it felt as though my body had always known how to move with his. We were a mess together. I was the sand on the beach that always stayed in place and waited for the waves to crash onto me, and he was the waves. Crazy, unpredictable and warming. I was the sand waiting, and he was the wave that crashed into my life. A crash that sprayed water on my eyes and opened them. And my heart. I was his, and he was mine. For the first time in my life I felt whole, I knew where I belong. Being in his arms was exactly where I was suppose to be. I finally felt what I longed for. Love.