September 5, 2012
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She sat there, stewing in the hellish world that she now called home. She hated the way that he made her feel, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t stop it. Every single day she would crave the contact from him but at the same time it made her feel and uncontrollable sense of anger and frustration. The idea that someone else was in control of her happiness with something as simple as the click of a mouse or the send of a text made her want to scream. She’d lay awake at night and tell herself that she wouldn’t let this happen anymore and that she could be strong without him. She usually was strong and had always had an unbreakable sense of willpower. He hadn’t just broken her sense of willpower, he obliterated it. It was the way that he made her feel angry and happy all at the same time, the happiness and anger would declare battle and usually the anger would win. She would vow to herself never to speak to him again and that she would cut him off from her life completely. No matter how hard she tried she could never quite master it. It would only take a moment of weakness for her to descend into the down spiral of the agonising routine of which she had grown to expect. She'd find herself giving in and talking to him which left her feeling worthless and empty but she still craved it, as if it was her drug, her nectar, her poison. She had fallen for this one, hook line and sinker. Endless battles would occur daily between her head and her heart telling her to give him up and then her heart would cry that it would be like trying to set fire to water.

That girl is me. I am the one that can’t let go. I am the one that hopes that one day things will be different. I am the one wishing, hoping and praying that things will change. I want so much to be strong and tell myself that he is no good for me but it is proving harder than first anticipated. This lie is wearing thin and even I am started to see the thinly veiled truth of love that lay behind it. I am the one who battles between her heart and my head. In that war, the only victim is my soul. It is left beaten and broken with no hope of healing as soon the battle would start all over again. Every day is exhausting and the night is no better. I lay in bed aching for sleep as it escapes me just as my willpower did the very day I met him. This is no fairy-tale and there is no sign of a happy ending in sight, just the endless and painful days of which I have been contending with ever since that fateful day. No amount of hoping and yearning will bring me the happy ending that I so long for, I know that but I can't help but think 'what if?' I am no actress and this is not a case of being over dramatic. There is a punishing void within me that can’t be filled; there is a sense of numbness and pain that I am unable to explain and it happens every time his face intrudes into my mind and my heart. I am under no illusion that he is wrong for me, it is the wrongness that makes everything feel so right. I find myself begging for the day that he feels the same but forever being disappointed.

It is as if my dreams are taunting me as they transform into nightmares they mock me as I fall in love for the night. I am no longer in control of who I am. He is the puppet master and my life is the tragedy that unfolds on stage for all to see as I crack and crumble before their very eyes. A word from him will send me into a panic and awaken my hibernating heart with an explosion of life. One day I hope that I will be able to break out of this and things will be different, for now I am locked in this hellish life and the cage of my longing. My time is running out, won't somebody please help me?

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Kat4ever333 said...
Sept. 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm
This is so beautiful! I can't explain how perfectly you decribed this feeling. Please keep this up, my eyes are tearing up because of how real this is. 
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