It was a cold late December evening. So cold, that no one had ventured to take down their Christmas lights outside, the kind that made your nose turn into an icicle if you were out too long. I was snuggled in a warm cozy living room, amongst friends of past and present enjoying the chatter and small talk to the best of my ability. Over by the grand piano that stood in the corner sat my best friend. She had been there through thick and thin, never drawn into the pettiness of high school. Next to her was my soul companion, my best friend in the world, one that I know I could not live with out. He had been by my side since we first met. I felt a pang of remorse knowing that this was precious time now. He was home from college and had come to visit especially to see me. I realized too late that he was the one. He had a girlfriend now, for about a year and a half. I smiled over at him as he nodded to me. He loved me and I had realized his love as well as my own too late. Over by the two sat a boy I have known for years but not very well until lately. Quiet and shy he was listening to the conversation in the room. He looked over at me with knowing eyes and I smiled at him. Deep underneath his reserve was a passion that was beyond compare. This boy here had missed his soul mate too late as well. I ached inside with this bittersweet knowledge of these two. Across from him, sat a boy who had been shunned most of his life by a girl. The girl, who in her petty pride and selfishness led him on, though she did not care one darn bit about him. He was sitting on the couch and was talking away, a new thing for me to take for granted. He had changed at college. He had realized finally, she “wasn’t the one”, moved on, and was thriving on resolve, something I wish I had. Across from him was that same girl. She was laughing away goofing around with the “girlfriend.” That girl had been my best friend, I had laughed with her, cried with her, and we knew all of each other’s secrets. That was no more; she had gone and burned our friendship with a torch. When I looked at her anger, hurt, and questions, but mostly heartbreaking pain arose. She glanced at me and turned to “the girlfriend.” The girlfriend of my best friend; I had never liked. I had tried to for the sake of her boyfriend, but I knew I could never like her. I looked over at him again at the piano, how could he love her that way? I probably would never understand. I turned to the girl next to me that had tapped me on the shoulder. The girl who tried so hard to fit in that throwing aside the friends she had was not a problem. She asked me something and I answered. She was the girl who would confide with you and then go, and talk behind your back. I looked around the room, in between these people were a couple of faces that I knew but I did not know really. All seemed to be enjoying themselves, talking and getting along. I just sat and watched, yes, it hurt that I was not still friends with everyone. However, there was a larger ache. He was not in the room but I could feel his presence and he was in the conversation that these people spoke. The very person, who took away most of my happiness, left me with what little bit to live on and walked on to newer horizons. I had loved him, he had loved me, and he went and tore it from me because he was scared. I was throbbing to get it back, to be able to enjoy fully this moment like these people. However, I could not; it was not possible. He had ruined my relationship with people; I could not get out of the dark dungeon he threw me in, while he sat in his tower with the jar that held my heart. Time had closed up the big chasm in me but still left me empty. It was almost as if I was the Tin Man without a heart.
August 24, 2012