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Oliver James Morgan

When I think of you… I think of thunderstorms. They way your eyes danced across the crowds of people when you were only looking for one person to stand out. And how you always have such confidence, but I can sense a fear inside. Growing, a little boy crying to let him out. But you cant. He’s trapped. You say its hard for people to understand you. I think you use that as a defense. Like someone starts to figure out what’s going on in that mind of yours, but the second they get started you push them away, in fear that their figuring it out. Your are a strange person Oliver James Morgan. And promise me something… Don’t push me away, because I think I’ve figured you out.


Did you know that when your tired you slur your words? That makes me think of the time in 5th grade when we were on the bus getting ready to go to the zoo for our fieldtrip, And you fell asleep. I was so confused, an 11 year old boy so excited to go the zoo and you fell asleep. I later learned the reasoning for that is your parents were fighting the night before and they had kept you up. They divorced later on that year. I remember me asking you if you were afraid. And you simply said “No.” Two letters, one syllable. Conner let me ask you this. If you weren’t afraid… Then why were you shaking so hard?


Did you know that you are very damaged? I cant even begin to name all of the things that are wrong with you. Your heart is still broken from when Katherine cheated on you and tore your heart out freshmen year. That was the first time I’ve ever seen you cry. In your rant of self-pity. You confessed that you had let her take your virginity. I asked you if you regret it and you said “Not a moment”. If you didn’t regret it then why have you not dated another girl since. I don’t even remember the last time you’ve looked your father in the eyes and told him you loved him. I believe that you regret it because you believe it wasn’t right. And even though you can put up a good front you always seen you come flying back to me when you fall. I’m ok with that. I’m ok with holding you while you cry. Telling you its ok when you and I know its not and never will be the same again.


Did you know that you are completely oblivious? I remember in 3rd grade I had sent you a card from a secret admirer. It said “I love you like the ocean, I need you like TV, I think I’ve fallen for you, please catch me.” It had a single kiss on top of the letter itself. I snuck it into your cubby at nap time. And when you read it… You thought it was Katherine. You didn’t catch me that day. My heart and I were pilled driven into the Cement. In 8th grade I asked if you wanted to go to the dance with me. I was so excited when you said “yes.’’ I went to the beauty shop and got my hair done. I spent an hour on my makeup. I had also found the perfect dress. It was navy blue, it had a flower on my right shoulder. When you knocked on my door to pick me up… Ava was with you. I had asked you what she was doing here and you said “Well were just going as friends so I thought why not bring a date. Right?” Wrong Oliver. I had never been so embarrassed. When I got home I curled up into a ball and cried. You didn’t think you did anything wrong and you hadn’t. I was the stupid one.

And now I sit here on your porch wondering why I told you to leave. Maybe it was in one of my rants. But the thing is, even though you might be damaged. Completely screwed up in all your glory I still love you. I go to knock on your door. Right before I do your dogs start barking and you come out to see what’s going on. You look at me. And suddenly I see the hurt in your eyes. The dullness in your hair go away. And all that’s here is you and me and we are lost in the moment. The second I realize that its happing it is. You pull me in. I can smell your aftershave. Its strong against my skin. Sooner or later you lift down your head and I can see your blue eyes against your ivory skin. You say ‘ I didn’t leave because you told me” you paused, “I left because I thought that I was bad for you and you dissevered someone better than me” I realize in that moment that I am completely and desperately in love with your tried slurred worded, damaged, oblivious, and imperfect self. And you know.





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