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Underwater

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I was never with you in the first place, although I feel like I just went through a breakup.
"Ya, I've had a girlfriend for a couple weeks now..."
When I broke up with HIM I didn't even shed a tear. I was free. The world became a new place. I've never even held your hand and I feel as if a whole part of my heart has been shattered. A star in my sky has fallen to the ground...gone into flames...there's now smoke on the water. My heart is bitter and the ground is shaking. The Earth is caving in all around me. Once again, the world has become a new place. But now all I want is for it to go back to the way it was. With me being in love...and having no clue what's going on in your head. Then again...I'd rather be sad and know the truth than to be happy and be living a lie.
Well, do I really believe in that? I always tell people that I want them to be straight up with me. I'd rather them tell me nothing but the truth, even if it hurts. But, now that I know the truth....or at least I think I do...I want nothing more than to not know.
I was content with my imagination. For the longest time, I laid in bed every night falling asleep to the thoughts of you. I would put scenes together of you and me...possibilities of what might be one day. One night, I had a dream that you kissed me. The world was perfect. And then, I woke up. To be honest, I still lay there and think of you. But now it's different...
because I know I can't have you. Anything is possible and I don't know what's to come. I don't know what lies ahead. However I'm certain that for now, I can't have you.
One of the hardest things is to know that you love someone and not be able to tell them.
It's like holding your breath underwater. You're having a competition to see who can stay under the longest. You want so badly to come up and to take a fresh breath of air. But you can't...because you know that if you do, then you lose. I want so badly to come up out of the water. I want to look in your eyes and tell you exactly what I've been dreaming of in these summer nights. I want you to know that you're all I ever want. I don't need anyone else.
But if I tell you how I feel...if I come up from under the water...then I lose.
It's extremely difficult to hold this in. But if I let it out, then you'll be gone for good. I know that if I tell you then you'll just walk away. And right now, that's not a risk I'm willing to take. My resolution this year has been to step out of my comfort zone. To live a little more dangerously. To do things I would have never done before. To take risks. But with everything, there are limitations. There are things that will keep you from doing what you want. Most things come with some sort of rule book. And in this case...the rules say that I can't tell you how I really feel. I've never wanted to break a rule as much as I do now. I just want to release my feelings. I'm tired of keeping this in the shadows. So what do I do?
When you're in that situation...holding your breath for the sake of winning a competition...what do you do? You are waiting for the other person to come up out of the water first. You are waiting for them to give up before you do. Because then, you automatically win the race. You are then free to rise up and take that fresh breath of air. So, I think the two situations could be compared. I'm just waiting for you. It's been so long and each day...each moment...gets harder and harder. I keep wanting to give in. I want to take the first breath and lose the prize. But I just can't. Because then all of this was for nothing. So I have to wait for you. I'm waiting for you to come up out of the water so then, I can join as well. I will wait for you to realize that I'm all that you'll ever want. You won't need anyone else but me.





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