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Never Gonna Let Go
She slipped the note in my jacket pocket before leaning in to whisper "I trust you."
She had to walk away then. Like so many times before I ached as she left. She had to though. My mom was here to take me 'home'. She didn't know she was actually taking me away from my home. She didn't know anything.
I sighed as I got in the car.
"Did you have a good time?" mom asked.
"Yeah, I wish I didn't have to go."
"The way you talk, you'd think it was the end of the world. It's not like you won't see your little friend at school tomorrow." she said, rolling her eyes and shaking her head.
I shrugged. How was she supposed to know that it was the end of my world? That I wouldn't see 'my little friend' tomorrow? That I would never see her again? She didn't know anything.
When I got home I went straight to my room and locked the door. Mom wouldn't bother me if it was locked. She respected my privacy. Sometimes a little too much. I sat on my bed and opened the note Skye had given me. My hands were shaking... I almost didn't want to read this knowing it would be the last thing she would ever write.
I want you to know that I love you. If there's a way to obtain memory after death I want only my memories of us. But I cant live like this anymore. In secret. Unknown. I can't go home to a family that hates me anymore. I can't hide how I really feel about you. And I can't go to school putting up with holy rollers damning my existence. I wish I was strong enough to hold on. But I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I don't see my life getting better. And I don't want to stick around just to be disappointed. I'm tired of holding on to nothing. I want release. I want to rest. I'm sorry I met you. Not because I regret our love, but because I know this is just gonna set you back. It's gonna postpone your life. Please start as soon as you can without me. I wish I could take you with me without taking your life.
With All The Love I Posses
How could she say that? Any of that? Was I not worth holding on to? I crumbled the note and threw it away. I punched my wall. Start without her? She's the only thing that keeps me going! Doesn't she think I've ever felt like giving up? But I didn't, because I knew that if I had nothing else left in this world, it wouldn't matter as long as I had her. Because she makes even the most pathetic life worth living! But apparently she doesn't feel nearly as strong for me as I do for her. I can't live knowing I had a chance to save her and didn't. I can't let her do this. She trusted the wrong girl.
I burst out of my room and ran downstairs. I picked up the phone and dialed Skye's number I had memorized by now. Straight to voicemail. I slammed the phone down and headed out the door.
By the time I had reached my car my mom yelled after me, "Where are you going?"
Really, she was gonna nag me now? I yelled back, "I... I left something with Skye I need back."
She went inside. I sped out the driveway. On the way to Skye's house I thought about what I was going to say. I recited old poems I'd written for her, and considered calling the cops a few times. But it wouldn't help to recite old feelings. And it would just piss her off to call the cops. By the time I reached her house I still didn't know how I was going to convince her to stay. My mind went blank when I reached her door. Like a mind-controlled zombie, I slowly knocked on her door. My heart thumped along with the footsteps I heard. I jumped when the door swung open to show her dad's face. He was an ugly guy that was always drunk, always hateful. I wanted to shove him out of the way because as of now, he was the only thing keeping me from saving his daughters life. From saving my life.
"What do you want?" he grumbled.
I knew he wasn't going to let me inside so impulsively I shoved him out of my way and ran up the stairs leading to Skye's room. I slung her door open. I frantically looked around her room. I saw her crouched in a windowsill staring out.
She turned around, gasped, then stood up.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
I took a few seconds, valuable seconds, to situate myself. I calmed my breathing and cleared my tight throat. Then managed to tell her "You can't... I can't let you do this."
She sniffled, her way of holding back tears. She looked down and said "It's not your choice to make."
I ran over to her and pulled her to me, we began to sob. My voice cracked as I said "Please, I can't live without you. You are my life. You are the only reason I hold on. Can't you hold on for me?"
She sighed "I just feel so helpless... like things are never going to change. I've only held on this long because you said things will get better. Well they haven't and I don't think they ever will!"
I pulled back to look in her eyes. They were dark blue and ringed in smeared mascara. I wiped the tears off her cheeks, making her shudder. I kissed her so deeply that I hoped she could feel my burning desire to have her in my life. When we pulled back she stared back in my eyes. She wiped my tears and smiled.
I begged "Please don't go."
She cupped my face in her hands and we touched foreheads.
She kissed me quickly and sweetly before saying "I'm not going anywhere."
I pulled her back into a hug. I had no plan of ever letting her go.